LongTimeComing
I'm a saint, got a date with suicide
- May 23, 2019
- 58
I thought I'd share my experiences of my first suicide attempt because it might be useful to others.
So, over a week ago I overdosed on codeine and muscle relaxers. I came across much more than I had when I posted the thread asking if it would work and it should have been lethal. I would give exact measurements, but the bottles have been thrown away. I did not vomit, even without anything to prevent it, but my stomach rumbled A LOT. I felt peaceful and relaxed as I drifted away while listening to a playlist I made of some of my favorite songs. I had scheduled a goodbye email to my ex at a time I assumed I would be dead and upon receiving it in the morning, he called the police for a welfare check. Somehow, I was able to actually wake up and they didn't know I actually attempted and thought I just threatened it. After having every emergency service called to my house, I was sent to the hospital and stabilized. When I was stable, I was transferred to inpatient. I slept for almost 3 days straight and surprisingly, I was there for only a week. I got put on some new meds, went to the group therapies, met some strange people, and made some wonderful new friends. They also diagnosed me with bipolar without psychosis, which baffled me because after all my years of therapy and evaluations, I was told I just had severe anxiety and, recently, depression. Though conditions weren't the greatest (as is will all hospitals) I actually enjoyed my stay and most of the people there. I started to feel confident, hopeful, and excited to go back out and make the most out of life. However, the moment I was discharged, I was overwhelmed. Being back into the real world, it seems so daunting and confusing. I really don't know how I feel; I'm scared, lost, and can't stop shaking. I'm overthinking again, but I don't feel the same; I feel very numb and don't know how to move forward. I've spoken to the friends I made in the ward as they've been released and they're all feeling the same. We were in a safe and care-free space where we focused only on ourselves and were happy for what felt like months. Being thrown back into reality really sucks. I still want to die, one of my friends still wants to isolate, and another still wants to use meth. I haven't been able to tolerate music/things I used to enjoy watching, eating is still a difficult chore, and I still can't fathom having a future. I think all this place did was numb us enough to not act upon our impulses; I'm still deciding if that's a good or bad thing.
So, over a week ago I overdosed on codeine and muscle relaxers. I came across much more than I had when I posted the thread asking if it would work and it should have been lethal. I would give exact measurements, but the bottles have been thrown away. I did not vomit, even without anything to prevent it, but my stomach rumbled A LOT. I felt peaceful and relaxed as I drifted away while listening to a playlist I made of some of my favorite songs. I had scheduled a goodbye email to my ex at a time I assumed I would be dead and upon receiving it in the morning, he called the police for a welfare check. Somehow, I was able to actually wake up and they didn't know I actually attempted and thought I just threatened it. After having every emergency service called to my house, I was sent to the hospital and stabilized. When I was stable, I was transferred to inpatient. I slept for almost 3 days straight and surprisingly, I was there for only a week. I got put on some new meds, went to the group therapies, met some strange people, and made some wonderful new friends. They also diagnosed me with bipolar without psychosis, which baffled me because after all my years of therapy and evaluations, I was told I just had severe anxiety and, recently, depression. Though conditions weren't the greatest (as is will all hospitals) I actually enjoyed my stay and most of the people there. I started to feel confident, hopeful, and excited to go back out and make the most out of life. However, the moment I was discharged, I was overwhelmed. Being back into the real world, it seems so daunting and confusing. I really don't know how I feel; I'm scared, lost, and can't stop shaking. I'm overthinking again, but I don't feel the same; I feel very numb and don't know how to move forward. I've spoken to the friends I made in the ward as they've been released and they're all feeling the same. We were in a safe and care-free space where we focused only on ourselves and were happy for what felt like months. Being thrown back into reality really sucks. I still want to die, one of my friends still wants to isolate, and another still wants to use meth. I haven't been able to tolerate music/things I used to enjoy watching, eating is still a difficult chore, and I still can't fathom having a future. I think all this place did was numb us enough to not act upon our impulses; I'm still deciding if that's a good or bad thing.
