StarNomad
Member
- Jul 27, 2020
- 11
Never posted to any forums since possibly 2004, I have engaged in live chats from time to time. I guess I look at it this way, there is no way out other than to ctb, I haven't heard this saying for many years, to simply 'catch the bus' which could be just as easy as being in an accident or fate calling someone to the other side. Like many of you, fate has left me to make a choice at some point to select a preferred act of Sue Uh Side and of course we all prefer it to be peaceful. One thing that we all have to deal with is where are the
others, where are the people like me that wish to find a group or a community if you will that feels this world clawing at them and have this need to talk to others that are in the same boat. I have had that need since I was in grammar school, now days that would be called middle school. I am a middle aged man that has had the unrelenting desire to check out of this miserable reality since childhood. Even with that you can put that desire on the back burner, youth gives you that option, you can lie to yourself most effectively when you are
young, everything to really worry about is so far away, until far away is right in front of you. I always knew I wouldn't have children, it wasn't in me and it isn't in many people. Of course to be a proper human in the United States this is a big 'no! no!' for sure. The "far away" came in the early nineties, my middle brother had his first child, who is now 26 years old, when this happened back in 1994, it hit me hard in the stomach and has only gotten worse when my youngest brother popped one into the world back in 2001. So from then on
starting in 1994 to now the family dynamics is like a rope around my neck. So it is a constant friction and a constant storm of nieces and nephews exploding from childhood into young adulthood. So you might ask why does this affect me to the negative. It affects me because I have been dependent all of my life, I still live with my parents & the oldest nephew, on top of that I have M.S. which was diagnosed in 2010 & starting in late 2017 has been showing its ugly head. I tried talking to others online that have M.S. but most wanted to talk about their kids and slowly they would pull away because I would eventually talk about Sue Uh Side. I did meet others online with M.S. that were talking about ctb but were fearful that would somehow come back on them.
So years go by that there is no one in my reach that I can talk openly about this, I am left with only thoughts of finding a peaceful way to die and the realization that I would most
likely be alone when I did it. One thing I will always believe is that no one should ever have to be alone when they go from this realm to the other, they should have someone they can leave together with. Of course all to often we hear of those that are forced to do it alone with what is complete horror and despair for sure. So I am at a crossroads just like many others before me, what a sad and dreadful pain we all feel carrying this around for most of our lives. So I am reaching out to the others that suffer from this situational crisis,
from this existential crisis that are more often than not made fun of online, it is not something that should ever be made fun of, it is crippling and thoroughly devastating. So I want to hear from others that feel this unfathomable pressure of being on the outside looking in only because they don't fit in the family dynamic box. What I want to find right now is some kind of small community of people that are 100% for the right to die and can talk about it with no judgement and find out how they bend the societal rules in their favor so
they do not suffer from 1,000 cuts. So thanks to all that read this and hope to hear from those that can relate. For people like me and those that can connect to this kind of pain, it is the world we cannot connect to, the system has to many sharp edges and cuts us thoughout our lives. So there is no felief other than those that feel the same, that is what I need, to live with people that are like this, like in a community formed of those smoothing the edges out so people like us can live and go on, that would be a dream come true.
I wanted to mention something that might interest others, that would be something that can be left behind as proof of our existance, a time capsule if you will. I have done this when I was younger, I was able to use PVC pipe to create a sealed enviroment for whatever I was going to bury. Of course it was a like about 5 years ago I discovered that PVC off gasses and will corrode whatever is inside. I have been trying to find a way around this problem. I like PVC because it can last many hundreds of years buried under the ground. You can use
ABS pipe but it becomes weaker over time and can crack, which defeats the purpose of keeping the contents dry and secure. No matter what you use always use desicant to wick away any moisture that can build up. One way I was going to prevent the off gassing was to coat the inside of the PVC pipe with polyurethane to create a barrier between the oxygen and the PVC, let it dry with several coats, then seal up that which you wish to preserve. Round pipe is good for storing things that can be bent and even CD, DVD and Blu-ray disc cylinders. Just use bigger width pipe for items that are square shaped. Of course all pipes must have end caps bonded to each side of the PVC pipes to create the sealed enviroment and coat polyurethane on the inside of the end caps as well. I have included this to this post because some people may wish to leave some evidence of their existance in this physical plain of reality we feel so far removed from. This may or may not mean anything on the other side, but while you are here it may mean something to you.
others, where are the people like me that wish to find a group or a community if you will that feels this world clawing at them and have this need to talk to others that are in the same boat. I have had that need since I was in grammar school, now days that would be called middle school. I am a middle aged man that has had the unrelenting desire to check out of this miserable reality since childhood. Even with that you can put that desire on the back burner, youth gives you that option, you can lie to yourself most effectively when you are
young, everything to really worry about is so far away, until far away is right in front of you. I always knew I wouldn't have children, it wasn't in me and it isn't in many people. Of course to be a proper human in the United States this is a big 'no! no!' for sure. The "far away" came in the early nineties, my middle brother had his first child, who is now 26 years old, when this happened back in 1994, it hit me hard in the stomach and has only gotten worse when my youngest brother popped one into the world back in 2001. So from then on
starting in 1994 to now the family dynamics is like a rope around my neck. So it is a constant friction and a constant storm of nieces and nephews exploding from childhood into young adulthood. So you might ask why does this affect me to the negative. It affects me because I have been dependent all of my life, I still live with my parents & the oldest nephew, on top of that I have M.S. which was diagnosed in 2010 & starting in late 2017 has been showing its ugly head. I tried talking to others online that have M.S. but most wanted to talk about their kids and slowly they would pull away because I would eventually talk about Sue Uh Side. I did meet others online with M.S. that were talking about ctb but were fearful that would somehow come back on them.
So years go by that there is no one in my reach that I can talk openly about this, I am left with only thoughts of finding a peaceful way to die and the realization that I would most
likely be alone when I did it. One thing I will always believe is that no one should ever have to be alone when they go from this realm to the other, they should have someone they can leave together with. Of course all to often we hear of those that are forced to do it alone with what is complete horror and despair for sure. So I am at a crossroads just like many others before me, what a sad and dreadful pain we all feel carrying this around for most of our lives. So I am reaching out to the others that suffer from this situational crisis,
from this existential crisis that are more often than not made fun of online, it is not something that should ever be made fun of, it is crippling and thoroughly devastating. So I want to hear from others that feel this unfathomable pressure of being on the outside looking in only because they don't fit in the family dynamic box. What I want to find right now is some kind of small community of people that are 100% for the right to die and can talk about it with no judgement and find out how they bend the societal rules in their favor so
they do not suffer from 1,000 cuts. So thanks to all that read this and hope to hear from those that can relate. For people like me and those that can connect to this kind of pain, it is the world we cannot connect to, the system has to many sharp edges and cuts us thoughout our lives. So there is no felief other than those that feel the same, that is what I need, to live with people that are like this, like in a community formed of those smoothing the edges out so people like us can live and go on, that would be a dream come true.
I wanted to mention something that might interest others, that would be something that can be left behind as proof of our existance, a time capsule if you will. I have done this when I was younger, I was able to use PVC pipe to create a sealed enviroment for whatever I was going to bury. Of course it was a like about 5 years ago I discovered that PVC off gasses and will corrode whatever is inside. I have been trying to find a way around this problem. I like PVC because it can last many hundreds of years buried under the ground. You can use
ABS pipe but it becomes weaker over time and can crack, which defeats the purpose of keeping the contents dry and secure. No matter what you use always use desicant to wick away any moisture that can build up. One way I was going to prevent the off gassing was to coat the inside of the PVC pipe with polyurethane to create a barrier between the oxygen and the PVC, let it dry with several coats, then seal up that which you wish to preserve. Round pipe is good for storing things that can be bent and even CD, DVD and Blu-ray disc cylinders. Just use bigger width pipe for items that are square shaped. Of course all pipes must have end caps bonded to each side of the PVC pipes to create the sealed enviroment and coat polyurethane on the inside of the end caps as well. I have included this to this post because some people may wish to leave some evidence of their existance in this physical plain of reality we feel so far removed from. This may or may not mean anything on the other side, but while you are here it may mean something to you.
