Venting I suck at talking to women

[Sarros]

I met this girl that works at a local card shop I frequent. She needed a ride back home so I offered. We stop by an IHop, eat, play card games and talk. I think we're hitting it off, flirt a bit, then we part ways.

I offer to give her a ride home and have dinner again 2 days later on Discord. She said she doesn't want to inconvenience me and that she won't be able to hang out because she has work early in the morning. I tell her it's not a problem and that I just want to help her out because I like her. She tells me she just wants to stay friends, that's fine.

After tourney that day, the guys and I go to the same restaurant that she's at. When I see her, I feel a pain in my chest. She's with the guy giving her a ride, they're also playing card games. I don't say anything, I just wave in passing.

I cry on the drive home. Admittedly an overreaction to someone I barely know. I still feel like I got lied to. I decide to let her know the next day how I felt over DMs.She says it's a red-flag and off-putting how jealous I am. I try to tell her I'm not jealous, I just felt like I was lied to since she said she wouldn't be able to hang out after work.

I realize, hours later, it doesn't matter whether or not she could hang out. Since she was with another guy anyway. I want to blow my fucking face off. How can I be so goddamn cringe. I just want my ghost to crawl out of my mouth and stomp the flesh suit of my body into the dust.

 

[Saponification]

I too have zero success with women. I have no social skills and a crushing social anxiety that make meeting women practically impossible for me. The only girl who ever looked in my direction was an emotionally unavailable girl who left me in a very vulnerable state. She gave me lots of attention and made me feel good and then ghosted me, along some other shitty things she did. I fell for her twice. It hurt me so bad that it made me hate myself and women in general even though I know I shouldn't base my entire perspective on women based off one person.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Sometimes women will do this kind of thing for their own self validation, if that makes any sense. If makes them feel good about themselves just knowing they can make someone interested. It validates their attractiveness to themselves. Sadly, that's all they want out of the situation. I'm not defending them, just saying how some are. Not all are like that. Find one who isn't.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I have the same problem.... However, since I'm suicidal it doesn't matter anymore.

 

[esistzeit]

Bro, this pain I know it way too well...
My biggest regret in life, that I'll be thinking about up to my last breath, is how I'll die without ever having felt the love of a woman. It hurts so fucking much
By the time I learned how stuff worked the damage was already too great and I too weak to do anything about it.
If you still have time, courage and will within you to try and fix this, read: "The Tao of Badass" by Joshua Pellicer and the site girlschase.com by Chase Amante. You will learn a lot about women and how they think. They're the real deal.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

And, oh yeah, I forgot. There's an old adage that I wish I had known back in the day. It's too late for me now, but maybe not for you.

"If you ever want to be truly happy, never make a pretty woman your wife".

 

[esistzeit]

And, oh yeah, I forgot. There's an old adage that I wish I had known back in the day. It's too late for me now, but maybe not for you.

"If you ever want to be truly happy, never make a pretty woman your wife".

What is the reasoning behind that adage? Do you know? Genuinely curious.

 

[Georg]

I met this girl that works at a local card shop I frequent. She needed a ride back home so I offered. We stop by an IHop, eat, play card games and talk. I think we're hitting it off, flirt a bit, then we part ways.

Thats the thing. She was probably never flirting with you and it was just a normal (good) conversation. Many men just overestimate such situations.

 

[banger12]

I think you misinterpreted the situation at the start to be more than it was. And yeah it's shitty that she lied to you but there's no point in turning that into a confrontation. Still, I can relate to not being good with women. It doesn't bother me anymore lmao but it really used to.

 

[sugarb]

For future reference, DMing her how you felt was a bad idea. Once you realize what's going on in a situation like that just stop communication as soon as is reasonable so you don't accidentally send an emotionally charged message. Just worsens things.

I'm sorry that happened, though.

I used to have issues like that, but since then I've begun conditioning myself into aromanticism / disliking physical touch. Just figured it's not worth the drama and struggle, especially since I'm probably killing myself anyway, my chances as an autistic are poor to begin with, and I'm mentally ill and prone to getting cold towards people. I hope to eventually snuff out that sector of my brain entirely so I'm satisfied with taking care of my own sexual needs and getting platonic love from friends/family.

In all honesty it's a bit gruesome and dehumanizing but as a means of easing my discomfort on a day to day basis it's pretty good.

What is the reasoning behind that adage? Do you know? Genuinely curious.

The reasoning is 1. pretty privilege results in a worse spouse 2. more likely to leave you. Idk how true it is but that's the reasoning

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

She didn't lie, she said she wanted to be friends, she didn't say didn't give any indication that she was interested in you. Being nice to a man doesn't mean a woman is interested, far from it.

You shouldn't have messaged her that, you should have respected her wishes when she told you she wanted be friends. She will now see you as creepy, because you over stepped boundaries by telling her you're jealous, and you're helping her because you like her ( it implies you're only doing it for that reason)

It is up to her who she hangs out with, if she doesn't want to hang, you have to accept that and move on.

 

[Glenferd666]

I met this girl that works at a local card shop I frequent. She needed a ride back home so I offered. We stop by an IHop, eat, play card games and talk. I think we're hitting it off, flirt a bit, then we part ways.

I offer to give her a ride home and have dinner again 2 days later on Discord. She said she doesn't want to inconvenience me and that she won't be able to hang out because she has work early in the morning. I tell her it's not a problem and that I just want to help her out because I like her. She tells me she just wants to stay friends, that's fine.

After tourney that day, the guys and I go to the same restaurant that she's at. When I see her, I feel a pain in my chest. She's with the guy giving her a ride, they're also playing card games. I don't say anything, I just wave in passing.

I cry on the drive home. Admittedly an overreaction to someone I barely know. I still feel like I got lied to. I decide to let her know the next day how I felt over DMs.She says it's a red-flag and off-putting how jealous I am. I try to tell her I'm not jealous, I just felt like I was lied to since she said she wouldn't be able to hang out after work.

I realize, hours later, it doesn't matter whether or not she could hang out. Since she was with another guy anyway. I want to blow my fucking face off. How can I be so goddamn cringe. I just want my ghost to crawl out of my mouth and stomp the flesh suit of my body into the dust.

You did nothing wrong. That girl doesn't seem worth it.

 

[esistzeit]

The reasoning is 1. pretty privilege results in a worse spouse 2. more likely to leave you. Idk how true it is but that's the reasoning

Well, I respectfully disagree. If you know what you're doing they'll never leave you. Men are the leaders in a relationship; if it falls it's his fault. There are men having successful relationships with beautiful women everywhere so clearly it's not impossible. It's simply a lack of understanding.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I'm sorry you had that experience, I think the problem doesn't lie with you. She clearly led you on for whatever reason, some people like to lead others on because it makes them feel desired and they enjoy that. No one would do what she did unless they were interested or unless they were faking interest so they could feel desired. That's not "just being nice", that's bs.

I actually think you did well by sending her that DM saying you felt lie to. You're within your right to tell her how you feel, then she is within her right to react how she wants. Sending that DM would never resolve things but I don't think you were expecting to resolve things either, it seems to me you wanted to show her you're not an idiot and that she hurt you.

You dodged a bullet, if she acts like that, then all she wants to do is play people. Let her be, she'll realise what she did once someone else does the same to her.

 

[Mirrory Me]

Damn, that sucks. I think you just got bad luck with a person who isn't your type anyway. :/

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Women will often look for ways to create space or options in the early phases of courtship especially. It's nothing to do with you. It's just that many people get squirrely when they feel like they're being zeroed in on. You can do everything right or even be ideal for that particular person and they'd still do that.

It's difficult though because if you're oriented around a particular person and don't feel the need to exercise your own options, it leads to a bit of a mismatch. It's best not to put all your eggs in one basket I suppose, even though that's easier said than done.

I think the best thing is to take some time away from her and try to talk to other people. It's hard when you're not feeling it, but this is a byproduct of you not taking your own space. Been there many times myself, and logically I know better, but we're all a bit naive when we catch feelings. Good luck to you.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

The only thing she lied about is saying she couldn't hang because of work the next morning, and it sounds like she just wanted to let you down easy. She was upfront about just wanting to be friends. And since she was upfront about just wanting to stay friends and nothing more, I probably would have just dropped it and not sent any messages. Sometimes it's best to just let things go.

And it sounds like you aren't bad at talking to women. When I read the title of this post I thought it was going to another one where a guy never talks to women. You seem pretty capable. It just that sometimes in dating there are lessons to be learned and it can suck.

 

[sugarb]

Well, I respectfully disagree. If you know what you're doing they'll never leave you. Men are the leaders in a relationship; if it falls it's his fault. There are men having successful relationships with beautiful women everywhere so clearly it's not impossible. It's simply a lack of understanding.

I don't believe marrying a pretty woman is a worse idea than marrying a less pretty one, that's just what the reasoning is.

Also- what are you talking about? Men aren't always the leader. Most couples I've seen don't even have a leader. And it's ridiculous to say it's always the male partner's fault if a relationship fails. You can be the perfect partner and do everything right in a relationship and still get dumped/cheated on, regardless of gender. "Knowing what you're doing" can't remove the other person's agency lol

 

[esistzeit]

I don't believe marrying a pretty woman is a worse idea than marrying a less pretty one, that's just what the reasoning is.

Also- what are you talking about? Men aren't always the leader. Most couples I've seen don't even have a leader. And it's ridiculous to say it's always the male partner's fault if a relationship fails. You can be the perfect partner and do everything right in a relationship and still get dumped/cheated on, regardless of gender. "Knowing what you're doing" can't remove the other person's agency lol

There is a thing called "gender role". On the vast majority of cases, men will lead and women will follow (naturally there are exceptions in which men want to follow a woman that likes to lead, but this is the minority). To phrase it better, if a relationship fails, it's the fault of the leader (whether it's the man or the woman). If your forest tour guide leads you into a snake pit and you get bitten, is it your fault? If a standard relationship fails it's because the man is failing to play his role; he's not acting accordingly, which forces the woman to act out of her role, which in turn sets the whole thing out of balance. On both sides, cheating comes from dissatisfaction, be it sexual, emotional or "financial". If you know your role in a relationship, and you know how to act upon it, your partner will never be dissatisfied and will never cheat. Of course, you could be dealing with a deranged person. But if you're a wise enough to know these things, you probably know better than to date them in the first place.

But you don't have to believe a suicidal stranger on the internet

 

[EvisceratedJester]

And, oh yeah, I forgot. There's an old adage that I wish I had known back in the day. It's too late for me now, but maybe not for you.

"If you ever want to be truly happy, never make a pretty woman your wife".

If there was an old adage that stated "If you want a good relationship then stick your right foot in a pot of boiling water", then would you tell the OP to remember to stick his right foot in a pot of boiling water?

Having a pretty wife has nothing to do with being happy. Happiness from a romantic relationship would come down more to other factors, such as attraction (physical and emotional, esepcially emotional), compatibility, good communication skills, trust, being in a good financial situation, and so on. What is your adage even based on?


@Sarros She probably wasn't lying when she said she just wanted to be friends. She wasn't interested in you. Her lying was probably either just her trying to turn you down gently or she may not have been lying as sometimes plans do end up changing unexpectedly. Either way, you should not have gone into her DMs.

 

[lamargue]

i actually think it is possible for men and women to be just friends. a lot of women seem to be unaware of how much sway they hold over male fantasies, which are inevitable. but this is no fault of women. not everyone is so empathic, which is true of both sexes. it would be ideal if men could curb their delusions; it's certainly possible, but very often can bleed into male thought in implicit ways, thereby contributing to the development of habits which aim to bridge this gulf (i.e surpassing the 'friend zone')

and i wouldn't say it's depersonalization either. it's merely a misunderstanding of the wants that both sexes hold. i would say that in the future you need to be more cautious of the kinds of fantasies/expectations you can unconsciously form in your own mind, as these tend to overshadow any real intent that you may try to perceive. try developing as many platonic friendships with women as possible, without sex in mind (if you can, of course). that way, things should be able to develop naturally with any particular woman, if there is a strong indication that your wants align with eachother

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

It's the worst feeling in the world for sure. Reading your story made my stomach turn as well.

Woman are biologically wired to be turned off by weakness. That is just the sad truth. You have to be perciveved in their eyes as carving your own path for yourself. Don't ever even remotely give them the notion that your are simping. Even if they like you back. I apologize for using that word and not neccessarily calling you one. It's just the only word I know that explains what women do NOT want.

Just keep your mind and heart set on your life goals and I can assure that you luck with women will increase significantly. Let them come to and compete for you.

 

[jexiste]

Hey, so honestly a tragic result of binary gender relations is this sort of situation. My suggestion is to just initially commit to friendship towards someone regardless of gender and if feelings develop then start opening up about it. I respect your honesty by immediately expressing your feelings, that's very genuine of you.

Something which is important to understand and empathize with, however, is that women commonly aren't able to form platonic friendships with men because initial interactions with a man tend to be immediately followed by romantic interest.

This pattern is very alienating. Be open to the possibility of having a female best friend. Try to imagine it from their perspective. Romantic interest takes time to form. Let it happen organically. And don't default to anger if they don't reciprocate. You might be missing out on a potential deep friendship by defaulting to a romantic intention.

 

[Sarros]

Thanks to everyone replying to the thread so far. I'm reading every comment and absorbing everything. A resounding piece of advice I'm given, and not just here, is that I should attempt to form a platonic relationship before any romantic intention. This was sort of a wake-up call, and reminder of something that I should have already known for myself first-hand. My first and only relationship was founded on a platonic friendship. Though, some part of me doubts if this kind of approach is so widely applicable in pursuing relationships?

The other piece advice being that I should not have said what I did about being hurt and kept it to myself. I agree whole-heartedly. The regret is palpable. I think I might take a break from visiting the card shop for awhile, though it deprives me of one of the few hobbies that make my life worth living temporarily.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

If there was an old adage that stated "If you want a good relationship then stick your right foot in a pot of boiling water", then would you tell the OP to remember to stick his right foot in a pot of boiling water?

Having a pretty wife has nothing to do with being happy. Happiness from a romantic relationship would come down more to other factors, such as attraction (physical and emotional, esepcially emotional), compatibility, good communication skills, trust, being in a good financial situation, and so on. What is your adage even based on?


@Sarros She probably wasn't lying when she said she just wanted to be friends. She wasn't interested in you. Her lying was probably either just her trying to turn you down gently or she may not have been lying as sometimes plans do end up changing unexpectedly. Either way, you should not have gone into her DMs.

You know you're just a real ass, wanting/needing to be argumentative with everyone. For whatever reason you think your shit doesn't smell. Anyone who has a thought that differs from your narrow construct of how you think the world is, or should be, needs to be instantly attacked and corrected with your self-centered blather in order to validate your own miserable existence. I seen so many of your postings on other's threads and it's clear that you just can't help yourself at attacking others at any chance you get. What a miserable way to live one's life. I bet your co-workers just LOVE you lol. I can only imagine the water cooler talk when you're not around. I've had enough of your worthess blather, which is fitting, actually, and, henceforth, will just be placing you on ignore since you have not one darn thing to say worth reading. You're just not worth it. I've met a lot of people in life who think they're better than all others. After meeting you I can honestly say that you're not better than anyone else. In fact.....well, I'll just leave it at that.

 

[AliceTheGoon]

When women like you, they're not subtle. Mixed messages are not mixed at all. When I was younger I had some sort of three strikes rule but all it did was put the woman in an uncomfortable spot two more times than necessary.

 

[sugarb]

You know you're just a real ass, wanting/needing to be argumentative with everyone. For whatever reason you think your shit doesn't smell. Anyone who has a thought that differs from your narrow construct of how you think the world is, or should be, needs to be instantly attacked and corrected with your self-centered blather in order to validate your own miserable existence. I seen so many of your postings on other's threads and it's clear that you just can't help yourself at attacking others at any chance you get. What a miserable way to live one's life. I bet your co-workers just LOVE you lol. I can only imagine the water cooler talk when you're not around. I've had enough of your worthess blather, which is fitting, actually, and, henceforth, will just be placing you on ignore since you have not one darn thing to say worth reading. You're just not worth it. I've met a lot of people in life who think they're better than all others. After meeting you I can honestly say that you're not better than anyone else. In fact.....well, I'll just leave it at that.

Is everything ok with you? This is a bizarrely over the top response to a fairly innocuous post politely disagreeing with someone. Not trying to be rude it just seems abnormal given how you normally act

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Is everything ok with you? This is a bizarrely over the top response to a fairly innocuous post politely disagreeing with someone. Not trying to be rude it just seems abnormal given how you normally act

No, it's not. The member in question repeatedly attacks anyone who has differing ideas than theirs. Has been going on for months. They think their opinion is the only valid opinion and that their intellect is above anyone elses. Many of their postings have been erroneous in the advice they've given and even dangerous in some. When confronted about the "mistakes" in their advice and shown proof thereof, the hunker down and refuse to admit their fallacy and continue to spew the same nonsense and rubbish. As bad as that is, it's the constant attacking of others, not just me, when someone elses opines don't match that of them. It's slways done in a condescending manner. It's one thing to disagree with someone, it's quite another to attack someone and belittle them and their ideas in the process and that's what they do. I'm sick and tired of reading their drivel, so I decided to take the high road and just ignore them henceforth. There's nothing wrong with me (except the suicidal issues). If you like "those" types of people so much, YOU be friends with them. I don't like people who think their shit doesn't stink. This is all I'm saying on this topic, which isn't even a topic anyway.