Venting I still feel destined to suicide

[willitpass]

That feeling I've had since I was 12 that no matter what, no matter when, where, how, or why, that I will die by suicide. It feels so fucking strong. I've been doing a bit better lately, and I start ketamine very soon and I'm feeling hopeful about it. But ketamine is typically a temporary fix. It won't cure me forever, it will give me a brief period of respit if it works. My depression is extremely likely to come back just as it has time and time again. Depression is going to kill me.

 

[divinemistress36]

Ketamine helps get you away from reality for a bit like another dimension

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Ketamine helps get you away from reality for a bit like another dimension

definitely this. my first treatments were 6 in two weeks, then every 4-8 weeks until I couldn't afford it and here I am. it's different state to state and dr to dr on whether or not it's covered/the price etc. I hope it's covered for you WIP I hear your sentiment and feel the same thing for myself. I know my death will be by my own hand.

 

[willitpass]

definitely this. my first treatments were 6 in two weeks, then every 4-8 weeks until I couldn't afford it and here I am. it's different state to state and dr to dr on whether or not it's covered/the price etc. I hope it's covered for you WIP I hear your sentiment and feel the same thing for myself. I know my death will be by my own hand.

It's been approved by my insurance already. Even if it does what they hope it will for me, it still won't be a forever thing. The clock is ticking and discharge planning has already started for me. I don't have much longer left in residential, so if ketamine isn't helpful enough to make me not want to die then I will likely CTB instead of heading to the airport upon discharge. If it isn't successful then this is my last shot. I will tell them it worked, get them to let me go, and never make it home. I cannot do this anymore.

 

[fallingtopieces]

i hope it is impactful. maybe it is the gift of today. not having to live in the past, or in the future, for whatever amount of time that is.