NSFW I spend so much time on here because of the actions of others I’m close with.

[dreaming_of_pearl]

Somone said I spend too much time here, I should probably clarify why I do. Obviously I have bpd autism that whole mess.
(If you arnt aware of how bpd works just imagine the feeling of your strongest emotions dialed up to 12 24/7 and you can't make it go away you keep thinking about it)

Litterally everything in my life triggers a huge sadness or anger spiral it's how I feel 90% of the time. The anger eventually delves into sadness so it's mostly sadness.

Not oh I'm so upset sad, it feels like I just watched somone close to me die. I got brought that so many times throughout the day NOT being on here. And when I'm not on here I'm not allowed to talk about it because I'm making everything about me and being a bad person.

Example I'm on here rn because there's this person let's call him Dan for example. The night me and my GF met we ended up fucking it was my first time and very special for me. It was only a short amount of time because we were exhausted beyond belief. She at the time had a crush on this guy named Dan who came to our Airbnb and had sex with her for a long time. She told me how she felt him on the plane after. I remember how I felt that night I knew I was easily replaceable by anyone. Some stuff happened and she never dated him he pulled a dick move. And she got close with me and dated me.

No matter how long it's been randomly I'll be reminded of that night and how I felt I remeber it super vividly for being beyond baked to a concerning amount. Sometimes she opened up to me about what happend but it only makes me visualize it more. Each time it happens I get sick I get taken back to that night sometimes it's hindsite anger not at her she did nothing wrong imo. It's anger twards Dan he is still a mutual friend of ours he looks down on me for being the way I am being emotionally unstable I hate his existence a lot the anger delves into sadness usually I would genuinely cut myself or do some kind of mutalation but I wanna make my girlfriend happy so I don't and I come here instead.

But unless you have bpd you can't imagine the physical pain. I can't even touch myself alone because I remeber it and want to mutate my genitalia to make the mental pain stop.

The mental pain is so painful it hurts physically I get sick and dizzy it replays in my head over and over I can't get away from it no matter what I do coping mechanisms don't do shit I can remember it all and it makes me want to stop existing I'd rather cut off all my limbs then experience another second of this.

I love my girlfriend and I don't ever want to let her think that she did bad things or she makes me sad she dosent it's Dan I hate not her. I'll never forgive him I know he looks down on me that he could make her have such a good time and I'm not that good at sex.

So yes this is why I'm here 24/7 stuff like that something reminds me of the most painful moments of my life. If I'm not here I will be causing harm to objects, myself, others, and my gf dosent want that. Most people cannot understand how this feels having bpd is like being an emotional burn victim. I don't have a safe space to vent this is my safe space. I just want others to accept that this is my safe space.

 

[dumblosergirl]

Don't worry. I usually spend a lot of time on here too and I told friends before and they said I should stop but they don't understand that it's a safe place where there's people like me. I am also borderline and you describing your situation kinda made me super upset imagining that kind of scenario. I hate feeling the intense emotions that I do. It's mostly that of anger. I even get upset when my friends hang out with other friends. Like it's a normal thing to have other friends, but I think it's the end of the world. I hate it.