Venting I should’ve prepared better…

[inpursuitofpeace]

I didn't prepare well and now I'm kicking myself for it. Currently suicidal. I'm so exhausted from living this way. I'm trying to keep going as I'm three weeks away from a major accomplishment. But I don't know if I can make it that long. After my last suicide attempt (none from these methods), I safety proofed my house well, as I was making an attempt to stay alive. But now, I'm heart broken, dealing with so many hardships, anxious and having many panic attacks. I'm so overwhelmed and suicidal but now I don't have any good ways to KMS because I didn't prepare ahead of time with my method of choice. I don't know what to do. This is kinda a cross between suicide and recovery. I didn't know where to put this post. But I needed to vent. If I knew that my life could get better, sure, I'd live. At the same time, I just really want to die but it'll likely fail, as have the other attempts. I'm just so fed up with the hurt. I don't want to be here anymore but I don't have any good tools to ctb. I don't want to end up living with irreversible damage from attempting but I just don't want to be here anymore. On the recovery side, I've thought about going the hospital but I don't want to be judged. Some of the ER docs are major d-bags!!! (Literally can't give that statement enough exclamation points.) I would also feel super crappy (I don't know if we can swear here) about asking someone to watch my loved one while I went to the hospital. I mean, if I died, someone would find them in the morning and they would be fine alone for a few hours until someone came. But if I'm in the hospital, that's days to week(s) if someone watching them and I would feel even more awful for seeking help. I feel like a train wreck. I want to die but don't have the means to die in a way that I feel comfortable with and wouldn't leave me with irreversible damage if I tried an alt. method.

 

[FuneralCry]

That really does sound like a tiring situation to be trapped in, I certainly hate how we exist in a world where there isn't the option to just free ourselves from it in peace and without risks. The thought of suicide going wrong really is something that is so horrific to me, I don't believe that suicidal people deserve to be punished by going through failed attempts and suffering even more in the process but anyway best wishes.