Hello to any passersby. Thanks for being here. I just don't know where to start really. I'm 20 years old and I think I have a decent future ahead of me but I just don't think I can do it anymore. It's so hard to explain huh. I feel like I've been depressed and suicidal since I was perhaps 14. Suicidal thoughts plague my mind, however they seem to be the worst at night. Thoughts have slowly built up over these past months intensely. I didn't think I'd actually reach that point to where I'd attempt. I remember aimlessly wandering some nights on train tracks, but this was impulsive and I knew that, eventually I would realize it and go home.
I thought that these impulsive attempts were just a cry for help and I really didn't want to die. But what changed my mind was a motorcycle accident I had last November. After the impact with another car and when my body stopped rolling I remember the intense felling of how unfair it was that I was still alive. In that moment I knew that I really did want to die. I had planned to ctb via SN last month but was stopped before I took the SN and put on a involuntary psych hold. I had everything ready ; SN, meto, antacids and propranolol. I felt so scared and I called a friend to say goodbye after I had taken a small sip to see how it tasted. I didn't expect the police to show up so soon.
After my psych hold I had felt okay for a while, but I think I was just lying to myself. The feeling was still there but I was suppressing it. I've been just taking night drives crying and that has been helping to get me tired enough to fall asleep. Tonight though I got ticketed for speeding. Haha. I don't know if I'm going to reattempt soon, but I feel like I will reach another boiling point. Everyday I feel the heat begin to rise again. The worst part of all of this is how ungrateful I think I'm being. My life is fine. I have great friends and family. A future career, but it all seems so meaningless. I don't know. Thanks for taking your time to read this. I hope we all find peace soon.
I thought that these impulsive attempts were just a cry for help and I really didn't want to die. But what changed my mind was a motorcycle accident I had last November. After the impact with another car and when my body stopped rolling I remember the intense felling of how unfair it was that I was still alive. In that moment I knew that I really did want to die. I had planned to ctb via SN last month but was stopped before I took the SN and put on a involuntary psych hold. I had everything ready ; SN, meto, antacids and propranolol. I felt so scared and I called a friend to say goodbye after I had taken a small sip to see how it tasted. I didn't expect the police to show up so soon.
After my psych hold I had felt okay for a while, but I think I was just lying to myself. The feeling was still there but I was suppressing it. I've been just taking night drives crying and that has been helping to get me tired enough to fall asleep. Tonight though I got ticketed for speeding. Haha. I don't know if I'm going to reattempt soon, but I feel like I will reach another boiling point. Everyday I feel the heat begin to rise again. The worst part of all of this is how ungrateful I think I'm being. My life is fine. I have great friends and family. A future career, but it all seems so meaningless. I don't know. Thanks for taking your time to read this. I hope we all find peace soon.
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