People like telling me "you should know for yourself". Well, you know what, look at my life path and decisions that I made. Every single moment I just decided according to my best knowledge and resources at that moment. Just like now, writing this post ist the best I came up with. I did have other ideas today and yesterday, but there has always been some reason for me to disregard them - lack of confidence, energy, etc. - the usual resources, and I didn't know any better. Determinism, I don't see any other way of explaining my situation, I can, if needed explain how it all led up to this point, but most certainly I can't revert the decisions made, even though I easily agree that one or another caused all the mess I'm in, which makes me want to ctb. Provided a different environment and state of mind, I certainly will make better decisions in the future. Do I take all the responsibilities from myself this way? Yap, pretty much. If one day I'll be ready to overcome SI and ctb, then there will be things happening prior which will lead up to that.
This mindset is what comforts me recently. My second major psychosis destroyed a huge amount of what I've been working to build up after my first one 17 years ago, especially because this time it remained untreated, since my strange ass brain learned to hide it this time and there were just too many cercumstamces approving my decisions and kept me from doubting myself. I was so blinded, it didn't even listen to words of reason from those who care. And yes, it was triggered by that one fat joined I shouldn't have smoked, cause the symptoms came back almost right after plus encouraged me to smoke more and turn to other stuff, and I can say that only now in retrospect. And why did I do it? Well, in that very moment, I felt like the last episode is do long ago, I must be healed and the situation seems perfect and I did smoke once in a while and nothing happened. Well, these are all the things I was thinking? I felt happy in these days, recovering from a heartbreak. I also achieved one of my dreams right before, I was in a foreign country. All these factors and many others contributed to that decision and as much as I want, I can't revert it. And now, well, with all the circumstances leading me up to here I want to see now what else life can provide me to not ctb. The only thing that's really stopping me is my mom still around and she really doesn't deserve this, she did and went through so much and never gave up on me, even now, when I'm practically homeless. I already came up with a rather easy yet painful method for myself (drowning and it's technicalities). When my pain is enough, I'm all set, even if I'm homeless at that time. Until then, in ready to accept all the pain that comes. How much more is there, life? God? What do I know about God, during the psychosis I thought I WAS God and even posted it on social media (this wasn't even what destroyed me).
So, even though I SHOULD know better, I obviously don't when the situation asks for it. Call me stupid, socially stupid, if you want and I can start talking about genes and childhood. So, God, Universe, whatever it is that is throwing stuff at me. Whatever is the grand plan behind all of this, let it happen, do I really have a choice to alter it? Just be easy on my mom, my niece, my sister and the rest of my closest family. Make it such that I'm less of a burden and not ctb. If, on the other hand I choose to one day, then ... cercumstamces. Give me better ones and I promise to try.
That was my vent, thanks for reading.
This mindset is what comforts me recently. My second major psychosis destroyed a huge amount of what I've been working to build up after my first one 17 years ago, especially because this time it remained untreated, since my strange ass brain learned to hide it this time and there were just too many cercumstamces approving my decisions and kept me from doubting myself. I was so blinded, it didn't even listen to words of reason from those who care. And yes, it was triggered by that one fat joined I shouldn't have smoked, cause the symptoms came back almost right after plus encouraged me to smoke more and turn to other stuff, and I can say that only now in retrospect. And why did I do it? Well, in that very moment, I felt like the last episode is do long ago, I must be healed and the situation seems perfect and I did smoke once in a while and nothing happened. Well, these are all the things I was thinking? I felt happy in these days, recovering from a heartbreak. I also achieved one of my dreams right before, I was in a foreign country. All these factors and many others contributed to that decision and as much as I want, I can't revert it. And now, well, with all the circumstances leading me up to here I want to see now what else life can provide me to not ctb. The only thing that's really stopping me is my mom still around and she really doesn't deserve this, she did and went through so much and never gave up on me, even now, when I'm practically homeless. I already came up with a rather easy yet painful method for myself (drowning and it's technicalities). When my pain is enough, I'm all set, even if I'm homeless at that time. Until then, in ready to accept all the pain that comes. How much more is there, life? God? What do I know about God, during the psychosis I thought I WAS God and even posted it on social media (this wasn't even what destroyed me).
So, even though I SHOULD know better, I obviously don't when the situation asks for it. Call me stupid, socially stupid, if you want and I can start talking about genes and childhood. So, God, Universe, whatever it is that is throwing stuff at me. Whatever is the grand plan behind all of this, let it happen, do I really have a choice to alter it? Just be easy on my mom, my niece, my sister and the rest of my closest family. Make it such that I'm less of a burden and not ctb. If, on the other hand I choose to one day, then ... cercumstamces. Give me better ones and I promise to try.
That was my vent, thanks for reading.
