Venting i should have died that day

[meddle]

16th of may 2024. i should have died that day. and it all would be over already. would spare me from more suffering. or can i really say that i suffer? i have perfectly normal life. but even with all the good stuff im still unhappy. it makes me feel as if there truly is nothing left for me

i despise myself so much. im such a pathetic coward. why is it so hard to kill yourself, even with peaceful reliable option? people are hanging themselves, throwing themselves out of the windows, selfimmolating... all i had to do was drink some salty water. and i couldnt do it. because im too much of a pussy. cant do anything right, not evet ctb. i hate myself so much for it. seems like i dont have the guts to do it. of course i was found and saved. because i didnt plan everything properly. and because im a coward

wish i was braver. would have saved me the suffering

 

[SoLowHollow48]

Well, I just have to stop by since I see you occasionally commenting on other threads as well. First of all, halt. What do you mean you're a pathetic coward? You're face-to-face with the decision to completely disappear or to remain; every time you're active on this site. I think that alone is already brave. Most peeople would bottle that shit up and explode decades later--with a family, a wife/husband, a long-time pet, trusted friends, neighbors, etc.

You came here, face that shit head on. You even made atttempts to kill yourself. That takes massive balls.

So, I think, if you don't want to self-immolate, chug SN, or suspend from the ceilings, something must be holding you back. And although I can't say that I'm sad that something is still keeping you breathing (because I don't know the problems you have in your life), I'm sad that it forces you to stay when you don't want to.

I guess what I'm saying is that, set aside all of those attempts, go somewhere that makes you happy/calm (Six Flags, the beach, the mountains, some empty building, etc.), and just sit there emptily like an idiot. In my country, we call that "bengong". You just sit somewhere, stare into the sunset or a beautiful ruin of an unfinished apartment complex and just stay there until your head is quiet. Something would usually come out of it.

It's like shower thoughts with extra steps.

You gotta figure out why you don't want to first. Are you still undiagnosed and you want to be diagnosed psychologically? Are you still wondering that there are other ways to live where you don't have to be unhappy? Is death really the only peaceful option where absolutely nothing can happen anymore? Are you concerned that after you killed yourself, the others will blame themselves and ruin their own lives because of it?

So many things to be considered.

 

[F@#$]

I remember taking my dads pistol to the basement to shoot myself. I was 19 over 20 years ago and I regret not pulling the trigger every fuckin day.

 

[meddle]

Well, I just have to stop by since I see you occasionally commenting on other threads as well. First of all, halt. What do you mean you're a pathetic coward? You're face-to-face with the decision to completely disappear or to remain; every time you're active on this site. I think that alone is already brave. Most peeople would bottle that shit up and explode decades later--with a family, a wife/husband, a long-time pet, trusted friends, neighbors, etc.

You came here, face that shit head on. You even made atttempts to kill yourself. That takes massive balls.

So, I think, if you don't want to self-immolate, chug SN, or suspend from the ceilings, something must be holding you back. And although I can't say that I'm sad that something is still keeping you breathing (because I don't know the problems you have in your life), I'm sad that it forces you to stay when you don't want to.

I guess what I'm saying is that, set aside all of those attempts, go somewhere that makes you happy/calm (Six Flags, the beach, the mountains, some empty building, etc.), and just sit there emptily like an idiot. In my country, we call that "bengong". You just sit somewhere, stare into the sunset or a beautiful ruin of an unfinished apartment complex and just stay there until your head is quiet. Something would usually come out of it.

It's like shower thoughts with extra steps.

You gotta figure out why you don't want to first. Are you still undiagnosed and you want to be diagnosed psychologically? Are you still wondering that there are other ways to live where you don't have to be unhappy? Is death really the only peaceful option where absolutely nothing can happen anymore? Are you concerned that after you killed yourself, the others will blame themselves and ruin their own lives because of it?

So many things to be considered.

thanks for your long and thoughtful reply truly this site has the most empathetic man i ever met online

i know why i dont want to go. these reasons are (not in particular order, i do not know which reason is more important): 1) i dont want my loved ones to feel bad. because they love me, my ctb will ruin them. im an only beloved child, my parents are already 55-60, so they wont have another child. if i die then they wont ever get over it. 2) im so afraid of dying. i know that there is nothing to be afraid of, that you just cease to be, like the switch goes off... but i hadnt experienced that, no one had. its irreversable, permanent and just... so scary i comfort myself with the thought that i am not a coward, its just we, humans, are biologicaly hardwired to fear death to ensure the survival of our species. but... some people still manage to ctb

i have a pretty normal life (i mean no shit life syndrome. well as nonshitty as can modern life be, lol). i have a parents, a boyfriend, an apartment, diploma and work. and im still not happy. i get professional help. they diagnose me with recurrent depression, i take ad, go to therapy. and i still am disappointed, sad and tired. having all those things and still not finding joy makes me feel as if there is truly nothing left for me. its just... im losing any hope that the treatment will ever help me. im slowly coming to a conclusion that i should pretend that everything is normal and quit my attempts of becoming a happy person. i shall endure as long as i can and inevitably ctb at the end (if i will ever have the guts, haha)

I remember taking my dads pistol to the basement to shoot myself. I was 19 over 20 years ago and I regret not pulling the trigger every fuckin day.

im so sorry to hear that how old are you now? how many years have passed?