I should have a wonderful life but I have been suffering in my head my whole life

[Azul]

I'm 25 male
I feel ashamed by myself, since I shouldn't have any reasons to suffer. Never had any problems with my family, my parents are good people, they are extroverts and have a lot of friends, I was really good at school and I don't think I experienced any trauma (except for some minor things, like been a little bullied and ostracized for my weirdness at high school, have overcome that) but still... My mind is fucked, I change moods a lot, I struggle at having any relationships with other people, I don't feel the need to have a SO and barely feel the need to have sex (I usually feel aroused by situations that don't involve sex) but fear the future when my parents won't be there and I will be totally alone, suffer from severe anxiety and depression and OCD (have been officially diagnosed by a doctor), have self esteem issues and some day I spend all the time with feels of extreme guilt about random things and struggle to do anything, feeling extreme anxiety and shame about stupid things. People often see me as weird and asocial, and that feel of weirdness have often pushed me to change my identity to please other people... I imitated and studied other people in order to "fit in", I don't know how to explain... But now I feel like I don't have an "identity". I have ever been struggling with keeping a job. If I could I would stay all the time alone doing things I like but I know I would feel a total failure. I feel way better if I haven't seen and talked with anyone during the day.

Tl;dr I didn't suffer any trauma or abuse but still I experience a living hell in my head, I despise me for this and my parents shame me about this since I should be a normal person, don't know what to do and I'm planning to ctb soon, currently gathering info for methods

P.S. sorry for the poor English, it's not my mother language

 

[Luchs]

I'm 25 male
I feel ashamed by myself, since I shouldn't have any reasons to suffer. Never had any problems with my family, my parents are good people, they are extroverts and have a lot of friends, I was really good at school and I don't think I experienced any trauma (except for some minor things, like been a little bullied and ostracized for my weirdness at high school, have overcome that) but still... My mind is fucked, I change moods a lot, I struggle at having any relationships with other people, I don't feel the need to have a SO and barely feel the need to have sex (I usually feel aroused by situations that don't involve sex) but fear the future when my parents won't be there and I will be totally alone, suffer from severe anxiety and depression and OCD (have been officially diagnosed by a doctor), have self esteem issues and some day I spend all the time with feels of extreme guilt about random things and struggle to do anything, feeling extreme anxiety and shame about stupid things. People often see me as weird and asocial, and that feel of weirdness have often pushed me to change my identity to please other people... I imitated and studied other people in order to "fit in", I don't know how to explain... But now I feel like I don't have an "identity". I have ever been struggling with keeping a job. If I could I would stay all the time alone doing things I like but I know I would feel a total failure. I feel way better if I haven't seen and talked with anyone during the day.

Tl;dr I didn't suffer any trauma or abuse but still I experience a living hell in my head, I despise me for this and my parents shame me about this since I should be a normal person, don't know what to do and I'm planning to ctb soon, currently gathering info for methods

P.S. sorry for the poor English, it's not my mother language

This sounds like an exact mirror of my life. I was born into a wealthy middle-class family in Europe, had great extroverted parents, no traumas, did good in school and yet I'm fucked up.

 

[Azul]

This sounds like an exact mirror of my life. I was born into a wealthy middle-class family in Europe, had great extroverted parents, no traumas, did good in school and yet I'm fucked up.

What do you feel at the moment

P.s. what does the emoji-reaction with open hands mean?

 

[BipolarExpat]

P.s. what does the emoji-reaction with open hands mean?

It's a virtual hug

 

[HGL91]

I'm 25 male
I feel ashamed by myself, since I shouldn't have any reasons to suffer. Never had any problems with my family, my parents are good people, they are extroverts and have a lot of friends, I was really good at school and I don't think I experienced any trauma (except for some minor things, like been a little bullied and ostracized for my weirdness at high school, have overcome that) but still... My mind is fucked, I change moods a lot, I struggle at having any relationships with other people, I don't feel the need to have a SO and barely feel the need to have sex (I usually feel aroused by situations that don't involve sex) but fear the future when my parents won't be there and I will be totally alone, suffer from severe anxiety and depression and OCD (have been officially diagnosed by a doctor), have self esteem issues and some day I spend all the time with feels of extreme guilt about random things and struggle to do anything, feeling extreme anxiety and shame about stupid things. People often see me as weird and asocial, and that feel of weirdness have often pushed me to change my identity to please other people... I imitated and studied other people in order to "fit in", I don't know how to explain... But now I feel like I don't have an "identity". I have ever been struggling with keeping a job. If I could I would stay all the time alone doing things I like but I know I would feel a total failure. I feel way better if I haven't seen and talked with anyone during the day.

Tl;dr I didn't suffer any trauma or abuse but still I experience a living hell in my head, I despise me for this and my parents shame me about this since I should be a normal person, don't know what to do and I'm planning to ctb soon, currently gathering info for methods

P.S. sorry for the poor English, it's not my mother language

I can strongly relate. I feel better away from people (People here make me happy though). But then feel like a failure. I also imitated people to fit in, and feel like I don't have an individual identity anymore. I'm scared for when my mom gets sick or passes. My grandmother functioned well until age 90 though, so that comforts me.

 

[Azul]

I can strongly relate. I feel better away from people (People here make me happy though). But then feel like a failure. I also imitated people to fit in, and feel like I don't have an individual identity anymore. I'm scared for when my mom gets sick or passes. My grandmother functioned well until age 90 though, so that comforts me.

Have you been diagnosed with something? I have ever been really afraid to have mild autism or something, but at this point I would be more likely to accept that. At least I would feel less ashame about myself since it would be something I can't control. I have really tried improving my life but nothing works, have been living with suicidal thoughts for years but now I'm actively trying to achieve that... I don't want to live this way no more

 

[HGL91]

Have you been diagnosed with something? I have ever been really afraid to have mild autism or something, but at this point I would be more likely to accept that. At least I would feel less ashame about myself since it would be something I can't control. I have really tried improving my life but nothing works, have been living with suicidal thoughts for years but now I'm actively trying to achieve that... I don't want to live this way no more

I haven't been diagnosed with autism, but I wouldn't be surprised if I had it. I struggle so much with change. I like routine. I've been diagnosed with depression though.

Even as a kid, like, you know when groups of kids would gather in a circle at lunch or recess and just chat? I'd always be slightly outside the circle, and whenever I'd try to say my opinion or talk, people would talk over me, or ignore me.

Now as an adult, with all the trauma from being bullied at work, I'm so afraid of trying to rebuild my life. I've had times where I've been very successful, but I burn out after a couple years because I struggle to balance everything and I'll get such bad panic attacks, I can't even think straight to add 2+2 together.

 

[oopswronglife]

You should never feel shame for suffering and being a victim of pain unless you have truly caused that suffering by harming another for gain etc or are simply playing games for attention. Even then you are not lost and can redeem yourself if that is the case. Nobody should compare themselves to justify their legitimate pain. Poor in a war torn country or a super wealthy elite...its still pain. You may have more resources to fight with....but money doesn't buy a new brain or body. Insanely, disgustingly rich people (something I dont think should even be allowed to happen) die long painful deaths at times. It's a great equaliser in the end.

 

[Azul]

You should never feel shame for suffering and being a victim of pain unless you have truly caused that suffering by harming another for gain etc or are simply playing games for attention. Even then you are not lost and can redeem yourself if that is the case. Nobody should compare themselves to justify their legitimate pain. Poor in a war torn country or a super wealthy elite...its still pain. You may have more resources to fight with....but money doesn't buy a new brain or body. Insanely, disgustingly rich people (something I dont think should even be allowed to happen) die long painful deaths at times. It's a great equaliser in the end.

What makes me suffer the most lately are these "guilt trips" in which I fixate on something wrong about my life for some period and everything loses its meaning, severe anxiety begins and for days or weeks I feel like a "sting" in my guts and joints, and a general excruciating sense of hopelessness. Everything seems unreal and I begin to feel a sense of paranoia vs people and distrust everyone

 

[Stan]

Sorry that you feel this way. Nobody knows about the human brain enough to give a qualified answer. Certainly gives the 'nurture vs nature' people a lot to talk about. Perhaps the truth is somewhere in the middle. For me its sometimes more important to know where you are rather than how you got there, it may give some clues or it could be a complete red herring. But thinking about it too much can heap a whole world of unnecessary angst on you.

 

[Luchs]

What do you feel at the moment

P.s. what does the emoji-reaction with open hands mean?

Hopelessnes

 

[Thetimeisnow]

I feel exactly the same. Nothing of note to complain about, and yet.... here I am.