Venting i should be happy

[DestinyRot707]

i know this is a pretty common feeling, but im so mad at myself right now. something objectively good, that i KNOW im happy about, that ive wanted for years, is finally happening and i feel miserable. im stressed and anxious and i understand that im fine with that, but i feel so deeply hopeless and sad and i cant accept that because something GOOD is happening. it shouldnt matter if im good enough for it, or worth it, or deserving of it, none of that should matter because a good thing is coming my way and i cant look at it with anything but dread. im probably never going to get a chance like this again, im probably never going to get the opportunity to be so happy again and im wasting it by being sad like this. this isnt even a "life is hard and kinda sucks" thing where maybe im blaming myself a lil too much this is entirely my fault and i dont know how to stop. i was supposed to be able to wear shorts and tshirts in public and not have anyone notice anything bc it was all supposed to be faded pink or unassuming white but i just cant stop ripping myself open fresh and red and i know none of this is going to fade fast enough. back when i had a month and a half it was fine, when i had a month it was fine, when i had half a month it was fine, i have less than 2 weeks now and its not fine and i just wanna be normal in all the right ways and weird in my normal ways and be the me they know and care about for long enough and then go home and collapse then but it feels impossible to hold myself together for a week straight when i cant even manage to hold myself together for a day. im so fucked and i have no excuse because i should be happy.

 

[Twistedliesinside]

I fight the urge to self-sabotage every good thing. Anything positive makes me react with negative thoughts. Once in a life time moments have me thinking about how my own mind is ruining my life. I'm not living for myself. I have to believe that this mindset can be corrected and the trauma processed. I feel like I must not be grateful for anything. I don't deserve anything, because of the way I'm thinking... but I know that can't be true, because I'm so grateful for everything, I care so much that I ruin everything for myself, because it's not about me, even if I should learn to live for myself.

I think sometimes it's best to free yourself from all expectation. There's nothing you should or shouldn't be or feel.

 

[Valky]

Don't be so hard on yourself.

It is not your fault that you don't have the mental capacity to handle things like this at the moment. You didn't chose to feel bad, so don't punish yourself for it :)