dead lightbulb
consciousness is a curse
- Oct 8, 2022
- 52
I failed an attempt this weekend and it went horribly. My father found me because ofcourse after an hour of staling and finally building up the courage to hang myself he walks up the stairs. I don't have a door so if he takes a quick glance into my room he'll see me attempting to hang myself. So I turn off all the lights and scramble to hide but ofcourse I forget the rope which is still up. So he walks in turns on the light and immediately ask what I'm doing. I say it's a project for biology. He just stares at me smugly and yells at me so I get into a blind rage and tell him to get out of my room. I eventually leave my room after my siblings find out what's going on. They don't care. They just tell me to stop seeking attention. So I hide in my garage all night coke up early in the morning to sleep and the rope is gone. For the past days I've had my phone taken and haven't been to school. But today I got it back and I went to school late but I went. And I'm only wondering what I'm still doing here as I type this. It's so hard to attempt when I have no door. And I live with a lot of people who are constantly peeking into my room. I don't have a car to drive to a location I live in the middle of suburbia. I found the jump rope from my first attempt but I'm scared that the next time I find the courage to attempt I'll be found while I'm still alive and be brain dead for the rest of my life. IM JUST SO SURROUNDED ALL THE TIME. I want to fly to a different country, one with lots of natural beautiful scenery, and kill myself all alone in a small cozy cottage while blasting my music. But my only option is the garage door or my dirty closet. I mean atleast I have access to what I need. I'm thinking of attempting tonight because I can't go back to school tomorrow it's the most miserable thing to put my mind through without break, 8 hours of complete tension. But that's all for now. Hopefully I can try again soon and succeed, and this can be my second to last post here. I made a post here Saturday and it received a lot of love so thank you everybody for that .