I set a date.

[worthless.one]

June 1st will be when I CTB. I'm waiting until after my sister's graduation to do it. The last thing I want to do is ruin that for her. I'm putting in my two weeks notice at work this week and my last two weeks of the month I'm just going to live how I want. Eat how I want. Drink. Do what I want without worry.

The current guy I'm dating will be gone the last two weeks of my life, and won't be back until after I'm gone. I won't have to worry about him picking up on anything or seeing any of my signs. I will go home to see my family the last week of my life (for my sister's graduation) and give them so much love. I'm going to be giving my stuff away this whole month to people I know will appreciate it. I have already written most of my notes and have been feeling so good and secure about this decision while writing them out.

On June 1st I'm going to dress up very nice and do my makeup in the morning. When my roommate goes to work, I'm going to set up some rope over the bathroom door and take some pills that I know will knock me out. I'm going to put a pillow case over my face so my roommate doesn't have to see my face after the hanging. I'm going to do a low suspension hang on my knees in the bathroom. I've practiced and really like the way it feels so I think I should be good. I think I'm going to mail or leave the notes for my roommate to hand out.

I'm less scared and more excited when I think about leaving. I'm so ready. Things just never get easier like I've been promised and I have a feeling they never will and it's just a lie we are told so people don't have to deal with us CTB. Any advice on preparation would help or just well wishes.

I'll gladly keep you all updated during the month if you're interested

 

[uiop]

Best wishes, friend.
If you don't mind, will you be willing to share your story?

 

[Escaper Boy]

Can I write a farewell poem?

Canary

Dear Canary, where have you been
In cage you longed for happy bean

Dear Canary, where would you be
Flying away to joyful tree

Dear Canary, set yourself free
Home is waiting across the sea

 

[TheDevilsAngel]

Good luck i hope you find the peace and happiness you deserve x

 

[Ashpac]

Things just never get easier like I've been promised and I have a feeling they never will and it's just a lie we are told so people don't have to deal with us CTB.

So very true.I found that out the hard way too.
Youve made a brave decision, I hope you it works out for you.

 

[Empty Smile]

Peace and love... Hope your journey helps you find peace.

 

[psykotiskt]

Good luck and have a safe journey to nothingness!

 

[TAW122]

I hope you are able to find peace and succeed in what you are doing. Also, that is very considerate of you to consider your family especially your sister's graduation. Finally, keep in mind that CTB'ing takes a lot of courage and conviction and you are really brave to go through with it.

 

[soda_pressed]

I wish you all the peace in the world You sound like a very considerate person for waiting for your sister's graduation.

 

[headinghome]

June 1st will be when I CTB. I'm waiting until after my sister's graduation to do it. The last thing I want to do is ruin that for her. I'm putting in my two weeks notice at work this week and my last two weeks of the month I'm just going to live how I want. Eat how I want. Drink. Do what I want without worry.

The current guy I'm dating will be gone the last two weeks of my life, and won't be back until after I'm gone. I won't have to worry about him picking up on anything or seeing any of my signs. I will go home to see my family the last week of my life (for my sister's graduation) and give them so much love. I'm going to be giving my stuff away this whole month to people I know will appreciate it. I have already written most of my notes and have been feeling so good and secure about this decision while writing them out.

On June 1st I'm going to dress up very nice and do my makeup in the morning. When my roommate goes to work, I'm going to set up some rope over the bathroom door and take some pills that I know will knock me out. I'm going to put a pillow case over my face so my roommate doesn't have to see my face after the hanging. I'm going to do a low suspension hang on my knees in the bathroom. I've practiced and really like the way it feels so I think I should be good. I think I'm going to mail or leave the notes for my roommate to hand out.

I'm less scared and more excited when I think about leaving. I'm so ready. Things just never get easier like I've been promised and I have a feeling they never will and it's just a lie we are told so people don't have to deal with us CTB. Any advice on preparation would help or just well wishes.

I'll gladly keep you all updated during the month if you're interested

You seem to have a loving family, a boyfriend, a job, some sort of life… Why are you considering suicide?

 

[Lady black]

Wish you good luck. Seems like you will have a nice hanging. Hope it will work for you. It´s nice that you take a pillow case to hide your hanged face.

 

[elcade]

good luck may you find some peace

 

[worthless.one]

Best wishes, friend.
If you don't mind, will you be willing to share your story?

I don't mind, but I'm not sure exactly what you mean by that.

Can I write a farewell poem?

Canary

Dear Canary, where have you been
In cage you longed for happy bean

Dear Canary, where would you be
Flying away to joyful tree

Dear Canary, set yourself free
Home is waiting across the sea

This is so beautiful. Thank you so much.

You seem to have a loving family, a boyfriend, a job, some sort of life… Why are you considering suicide?

Many reasons. I have been suffering from and diagnosed with depression, bi polar disorder, anxiety, and BDD for about 20 years now. I've tried medication, therapy of all sorts, diet+exercise- nothing has worked to combat it and these things are only getting harder for me to deal with.

My family exists but they only talk to me when things like a birth, wedding, graduation, or funeral is happening. None of them call to chat or see how I'm doing. No one visits, I always am the one to reach out or travel to them so it's not like their love is being shown.

My current boyfriend is pretty much using me for many things. One of the jobs I work has many people he admires and he has shown that he is more interested in being friends with them than loving me. He flirts with other girls all the time and says I'm ok but not the best girl he has been with. I feel I deserve this sort of treatment so I stick around. Right now, I'd rather have fake love than none at all.

I work 2 jobs and it's exhausting. One really pulls out the BDD in my brain since there's a lot of emphasis on having to be pretty and comparing myself to other women. I work a lot and long hours just to stay afloat. I have terrible debt, horrible rental history (I'm living with a friend right now out of the kindness of her heart and not on a lease due to an eviction and poor credit), and I still have to pay a decent amount out of pocket for my current therapy situation. I feel I can't ever get ahead because of my past mistakes. I royally screwed myself during my early 20s because I never thought I'd live long enough to experience the consequences.

I'm tired of having to be a burden to those who show me any sort of compassion because of what a mistake I am. I don't want to keep being a negative impact on this planet or in this society.

 

[uiop]

I don't mind, but I'm not sure exactly what you mean by that.



This is so beautiful. Thank you so much.



Many reasons. I have been suffering from and diagnosed with depression, bi polar disorder, anxiety, and BDD for about 20 years now. I've tried medication, therapy of all sorts, diet+exercise- nothing has worked to combat it and these things are only getting harder for me to deal with.

My family exists but they only talk to me when things like a birth, wedding, graduation, or funeral is happening. None of them call to chat or see how I'm doing. No one visits, I always am the one to reach out or travel to them so it's not like their love is being shown.

My current boyfriend is pretty much using me for many things. One of the jobs I work has many people he admires and he has shown that he is more interested in being friends with them than loving me. He flirts with other girls all the time and says I'm ok but not the best girl he has been with. I feel I deserve this sort of treatment so I stick around. Right now, I'd rather have fake love than none at all.

I work 2 jobs and it's exhausting. One really pulls out the BDD in my brain since there's a lot of emphasis on having to be pretty and comparing myself to other women. I work a lot and long hours just to stay afloat. I have terrible debt, horrible rental history (I'm living with a friend right now out of the kindness of her heart and not on a lease due to an eviction and poor credit), and I still have to pay a decent amount out of pocket for my current therapy situation. I feel I can't ever get ahead because of my past mistakes. I royally screwed myself during my early 20s because I never thought I'd live long enough to experience the consequences.

I'm tired of having to be a burden to those who show me any sort of compassion because of what a mistake I am. I don't want to keep being a negative impact on this planet or in this society.

That's what I meant by sharing your story. It's truly heartbreaking not being able to find true love, especially a love whose willing to accept both you and your mental illness. I would say that I wish you would consider a different route, but, as with much people on this forum, I am also suicidal.

My tentative date is August 1. I may push it back, or not CTB at all. Only time can tell. I look forward to death though, wanting to see what happens to my consciousness. If you do decide to go through with it, hopefully I'll get a chance to meet you on the other side. Again, you have my best wishes. I hope your CTB will give to you what you need to be happy.

 

[headinghome]

That's what I meant by sharing your story. It's truly heartbreaking not being able to find true love, especially a love whose willing to accept both you and your mental illness. I would say that I wish you would consider a different route, but, as with much people on this forum, I am also suicidal.

My tentative date is August 1. I may push it back, or not CTB at all. Only time can tell. I look forward to death though, wanting to see what happens to my consciousness. If you do decide to go through with it, hopefully I'll het a chance to meet you on the other side. Again, you have my best wishes. I hope your CTB will give to you what you need to be happy.

"what you need to be happy" somehow I don't think there will be any realization of emotion once you are dead....

 

[worthless.one]

That's what I meant by sharing your story. It's truly heartbreaking not being able to find true love, especially a love whose willing to accept both you and your mental illness. I would say that I wish you would consider a different route, but, as with much people on this forum, I am also suicidal.

My tentative date is August 1. I may push it back, or not CTB at all. Only time can tell. I look forward to death though, wanting to see what happens to my consciousness. If you do decide to go through with it, hopefully I'll get a chance to meet you on the other side. Again, you have my best wishes. I hope your CTB will give to you what you need to be happy.

Thank You. I truly appreciate the kind words and support. I hope you find peace whatever you decide.

 

[uiop]

"what you need to be happy" somehow I don't think there will be any realization of emotion once you are dead....

You are right; I should have elaborated. I use the word happiness in a figurative sense. To me, happiness means to just forget and be forgotten.

June 1st will be when I CTB. I'm waiting until after my sister's graduation to do it. The last thing I want to do is ruin that for her. I'm putting in my two weeks notice at work this week and my last two weeks of the month I'm just going to live how I want. Eat how I want. Drink. Do what I want without worry.

The current guy I'm dating will be gone the last two weeks of my life, and won't be back until after I'm gone. I won't have to worry about him picking up on anything or seeing any of my signs. I will go home to see my family the last week of my life (for my sister's graduation) and give them so much love. I'm going to be giving my stuff away this whole month to people I know will appreciate it. I have already written most of my notes and have been feeling so good and secure about this decision while writing them out.

On June 1st I'm going to dress up very nice and do my makeup in the morning. When my roommate goes to work, I'm going to set up some rope over the bathroom door and take some pills that I know will knock me out. I'm going to put a pillow case over my face so my roommate doesn't have to see my face after the hanging. I'm going to do a low suspension hang on my knees in the bathroom. I've practiced and really like the way it feels so I think I should be good. I think I'm going to mail or leave the notes for my roommate to hand out.

I'm less scared and more excited when I think about leaving. I'm so ready. Things just never get easier like I've been promised and I have a feeling they never will and it's just a lie we are told so people don't have to deal with us CTB. Any advice on preparation would help or just well wishes.

I'll gladly keep you all updated during the month if you're interested

Sorry to quote you again. Do you have life insurance through work? If so I would advise against quitting your job.

 

[worthless.one]

You are right; I should have elaborated. I use the word happiness in a figurative sense. To me, happiness means to just forget and be forgotten.

Sorry to quote you again. Do you have life insurance through work? If so I would advise against quitting your job.

No. Neither of my work places have any form of insurance.

 

[Macc Lad]

"I'm waiting until after my sister's graduation to do it. The last thing I want to do is ruin that for her" !!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Worthless_nobody]

My current boyfriend is pretty much using me for many things. One of the jobs I work has many people he admires and he has shown that he is more interested in being friends with them than loving me. He flirts with other girls all the time and says I'm ok but not the best girl he has been with. I feel I deserve this sort of treatment so I stick around. Right now, I'd rather have fake love than none at all.

Im in the exact same situation and have the same feelings. It breaks my heart you are going thru this too. I have not set a date yet but I know my time is coming. For me the fact that im not truly loved (except by some family) makes it a bit easier i guess to extract myself from this world. I know that my "bf" will not really care about my ctb and he has plenty of other women to move on to. My best and most sincere wishes to you and may you find everlasting peace.

 

[throwaway777]

nothingness

yes pls

 

[Alec]

June 1st will be when I CTB. I'm waiting until after my sister's graduation to do it. The last thing I want to do is ruin that for her. I'm putting in my two weeks notice at work this week and my last two weeks of the month I'm just going to live how I want. Eat how I want. Drink. Do what I want without worry.

The current guy I'm dating will be gone the last two weeks of my life, and won't be back until after I'm gone. I won't have to worry about him picking up on anything or seeing any of my signs. I will go home to see my family the last week of my life (for my sister's graduation) and give them so much love. I'm going to be giving my stuff away this whole month to people I know will appreciate it. I have already written most of my notes and have been feeling so good and secure about this decision while writing them out.

On June 1st I'm going to dress up very nice and do my makeup in the morning. When my roommate goes to work, I'm going to set up some rope over the bathroom door and take some pills that I know will knock me out. I'm going to put a pillow case over my face so my roommate doesn't have to see my face after the hanging. I'm going to do a low suspension hang on my knees in the bathroom. I've practiced and really like the way it feels so I think I should be good. I think I'm going to mail or leave the notes for my roommate to hand out.

I'm less scared and more excited when I think about leaving. I'm so ready. Things just never get easier like I've been promised and I have a feeling they never will and it's just a lie we are told so people don't have to deal with us CTB. Any advice on preparation would help or just well wishes.

I'll gladly keep you all updated during the month if you're interested

Good luck, I hope it will be very peaceful and I hope you'll find a place where you will finally be happy and free. And hope it's good for you. All the love! Would really want to hear your updates if you would do us a favor of keeping us updated.

 

[worthless.one]

I put in my 2 weeks notice today. I chickened out last week and it's my first day back to my main job. I was very nervous but things feel more permanent. I've given a few boxes of clothes and books to a few different friends of mine and just told them I didn't want these things anymore. No one seems suspicious. I wish I could fast forward time and have it be June 1st already. :(

 

[worthless.one]

Today I'm so excited. I'm excited that I'll be gone soon. It's still before noon where I'm at and I've been reminded so much already this morning as to why I don't deserve life.

Do you have a friend who gets the best fortune? I do. One of my really good friends is one of those girls who everyone loves and thinks is beautiful and seems to have everything in this world just fall into place for her. I love her to death. She's been nothing but kind to me, but I hate that her life treats her so well. She's the perfect example of why I shouldn't exist. I want to be happy for her, but all I feel is anger and resentment. I feel awful because I want to reciprocate her kindness. I'm not strong enough to do so.

I got to spend time with my mother on her 50th birthday this past weekend and I'm so glad I got to experience that. I really hope it's a good memory for when I'm gone.

I've been crying a lot more thinking about my departure. I wish I wasn't like this. I wish my life wasn't like this. I wish hope was a real thing for me and I wish I could just live a good and happy life. I can't though and my life isn't deserving of good. I can only numb myself and prepare for the final times I have.

 

[Allpainnogain]

June 1st will be when I CTB. I'm waiting until after my sister's graduation to do it. The last thing I want to do is ruin that for her. I'm putting in my two weeks notice at work this week and my last two weeks of the month I'm just going to live how I want. Eat how I want. Drink. Do what I want without worry.

The current guy I'm dating will be gone the last two weeks of my life, and won't be back until after I'm gone. I won't have to worry about him picking up on anything or seeing any of my signs. I will go home to see my family the last week of my life (for my sister's graduation) and give them so much love. I'm going to be giving my stuff away this whole month to people I know will appreciate it. I have already written most of my notes and have been feeling so good and secure about this decision while writing them out.

On June 1st I'm going to dress up very nice and do my makeup in the morning. When my roommate goes to work, I'm going to set up some rope over the bathroom door and take some pills that I know will knock me out. I'm going to put a pillow case over my face so my roommate doesn't have to see my face after the hanging. I'm going to do a low suspension hang on my knees in the bathroom. I've practiced and really like the way it feels so I think I should be good. I think I'm going to mail or leave the notes for my roommate to hand out.

I'm less scared and more excited when I think about leaving. I'm so ready. Things just never get easier like I've been promised and I have a feeling they never will and it's just a lie we are told so people don't have to deal with us CTB. Any advice on preparation would help or just well wishes.

I'll gladly keep you all updated during the month if you're interested

Best of luck to you. I so admire your bravery.

 

[lynn14]

Do you have a friend who gets the best fortune? I do. One of my really good friends is one of those girls who everyone loves and thinks is beautiful and seems to have everything in this world just fall into place for her. I love her to death. She's been nothing but kind to me, but I hate that her life treats her so well. She's the perfect example of why I shouldn't exist. I want to be happy for her, but all I feel is anger and resentment. I feel awful because I want to reciprocate her kindness. I'm not strong enough to do so.

I've been thinking about this a lot. Some people really are just born with horse shoes stuck up their asses, and are destined to have basically happy lives. Even when they appear to make mistakes, they never seem to suffer negative consequences, their cup just runs over and they seem to bounce back in ways that have just been physically impossible for me.

So much of life is determined by circumstances which are thrust upon us which we have some control over, but not enough control to stop us from becoming damaged and broken.

What you said struck a chord. I feel jealous of people for whom life isn't a constant ache and pain. What I find most difficult to accept about my personal situation is that, in many ways, certainly not all ways (not even close), but certainly in some ways, I did have certain things going for me. I could have done better with the lot I was given, but I also could have done worse. All of those regrets are water under the bridge, they do weigh on me heavier on some days than on others. But now it all is what it is. Now, the only thing keeping me going is my family, frankly. Since you described your family as being standoffish it probably will be easier on them than it would be if you were closer. So that is good.

Parts of me are already dead, and I mourn them even though I'm still alive. It's just the rest of me that needs to die before I can have peace.

Ended up being a bit ranty, I could relate to your situation in certain ways.

I'll be thinking of you until the end.

 

[JadedGray]

I put in my 2 weeks notice today. I chickened out last week and it's my first day back to my main job. I was very nervous but things feel more permanent. I've given a few boxes of clothes and books to a few different friends of mine and just told them I didn't want these things anymore. No one seems suspicious. I wish I could fast forward time and have it be June 1st already. :(

Good luck. There's no shame in waiting until the time is right.

 

[Partial-Elf]

I want to express concern about the pills that will knock you out. You shouldn't need them–if you hang properly you should be very unconscious in under twenty seconds. IMO, the pills just add a potential source of failure and unnecessary risk.

 

[worthless.one]

I want to express concern about the pills that will knock you out. You shouldn't need them–if you hang properly you should be very unconscious in under twenty seconds. IMO, the pills just add a potential source of failure and unnecessary risk.

I'm taking them to make myself too weak incase fear takes over and I second guess my decision. Also to weaken my body incase anyone finds me and tries to revive me. I want my body to feel too exhausted to move.

 

[Partial-Elf]

I'm taking them to make myself too weak incase fear takes over and I second guess my decision. Also to weaken my body incase anyone finds me and tries to revive me. I want my body to feel too exhausted to move.

Depending on the medication, it might be helpful to take one to reduce survival instinct. But taking enough that you're near passing out from medication while approaching the noose introduces significant risk for failure. It's also worth noting that you'll lose consciousness so fast when hanging properly–if you can get the noose right and maintain the will for 20 seconds max you will be on your way. No need for your body to feel heavy if you can make it that long.

You shouldn't attempt hanging if there's any chance of people finding you. Instead of them struggling to revive you because of pills, they'll struggle to revive you because you will have just essentially gone through a stroke and had major parts of your brain die off due to lack of oxygen. Then if you're revived, you'll have to live on as a vegetable or with other major loss of function if not fully to that point. You can read some horror stories about this.

Obviously, it's your choice and you should do what you want. I just want to make sure you understand the risk for failure that the drugs pose, as well as the importance that you leave no chance that you're found. Not a coin flip, not a dice roll. No chance.