Venting I screwed up, but I don't think I deserve this

[PurpleMorality]

I screwed up my relationship really badly. I'm such a selfish person, and I really hurt my girlfriend emotionally. She was trying to help me with my screwed up sleep, and I was deluding myself into thinking that everything was fine with my sleep. Well, I kept oversleeping work and got in trouble. If I'd listened to her, everything would be fine with work.

But I don't think I deserve the way she's treating me. I'm not allowed to have emotions at all right now. If I express a negative emotion, I don't have the right to feel it because everything would be fine if I'd listened to her. If I express the wrong positive emotion, how dare I feel positivity when she's hurting because I didn't take her seriously and she's scared for our livelihood.

She put her hands on me the other day. It's not the first time. She has DID, and someone else was fronting. She only remembers the first time she put her hands on me, which was years and years ago. She doesn't remember any of the other times. She physically hurts herself a lot of the time when her emotions are high, and this time when she was hitting herself with her cane and I tried to stop her, she shoved me back into the corner while screaming that she hadn't given me permission to move.

Most of the other times she's put her hands on me have been in front of one of my metamours, who has been able to stop her from continuing and help her calm down, but this time it was just us. Everyone else had gone to bed. Well, until her screaming at me woke one of my metamours up, and she came down to calm her down. I don't think my metamour realizes that my girlfriend put her hands on me this time. That I wasn't just standing in the corner because, idk, I wanted to or something.

I screwed up and I deserve her anger, and maybe even the weeks of yelling. But I don't think I deserve this.

My girlfriend says home doesn't feel safe right now. I'm not allowed to feel the same way. I'm not allowed to have feelings about any of this. But damnit, right now home doesn't feel safe to ME because I am constantly being screamed at and I don't know if she's going to put her hands on me again.

Just a bit ago she was yelling at me because I'm not training the dogs right. I left the house because I needed to get out. She yelled at me not to leave, so I have no idea what's going to happen when I go back home.

One of the reasons I still stick around is for her. Because her greatest fear is one of her partners dying. But is it even worth it if she's going to treat me like this? I haven't been the greatest partner, and she's been quite clear about that, but she "loves my dumb ass anyway." But is there a fucking point if this is how she's going to treat me? I don't feel safe. At best I'm walking on eggshells, waiting for the next outburst.

I don't even blame her, not really. She has serious mental health issues, and I've known that for the entire 6 years of our relationship. She has serious trauma. I understand why she is the way she is, and normally I can handle it.

I don't think I can handle it right now. I'm genuinely afraid to be around her. I'm not normally afraid of her, even when she's in a bad mental health spiral.

If this is how things are going to be for the foreseeable future, what's the point in sticking around the world living in fear of someone I love just because things might get better at some point?

And writing this out makes her sound like a horrible person. She isn't. I know the way she's treating me right now is unacceptable. I know putting your hands on your partner in violence is physical abuse and I know that the constant screaming at me and punishing me for having emotions is emotional abuse. I'm aware of this. I also know she's not in full control of herself. I just don't know how much to blame her for how she's treating me right now.

I feel like, if I had everything I needed for the way I'd like to ctb, I'd probably do it now. I don't have everything I need, though. I know I can comb through the threads here until I figure out how to procure SN, but I just don't have the energy and brain power to do so right now. So it's kind of a moot point. Pretty much all the other methods with high success rates freak me out. So I guess I'm sticking around for now.

 

[scary]

You're right Purple, you don't deserve to be treated like that. Your girlfriend is mentally unwell, and I feel for her, but there comes to a point where mental illness is no longer an excuse.

Is she able to get any help at all for her DID or other mental health issues? like medication or therapy? I know DID can't be "cured" but is there anything that can alleviate the symptoms? Her putting her hands on you is unacceptable and the way you're describing it, it sounds like its going to get worse overtime. I don't believe she's a bad person either, but your own physical and mental health should be priority.

I pray that your girlfriend is able to get the help she needs, DID sounds like a nightmare and I know its a result of severe repeated childhood trauma. I don't think you're selfish for feeling the basic human thing that is emotions. You're allowed to vent and experience emotions that are positive or negative.