Venting I scared to live but I’m scared to die

[FlowingVali]

I believe those are song lyrics. I scheduled my ctb for about two and a half weeks from now. I'm scared. I really don't want to die. But I'd rather die than live. If I'm being honest, I don't think suicide is selfish, regarding me. I would cause a lot more harm if I lived than if I died, now. I don't get why people try to prevent suicide. Isn't preventing suicide selfish? You're basically prolonging someone else's suffering for your selfish desire of them surviving. What's a life without living? Why do people value life over living? Or life over trust. I remember when I was in highschool, we were told that if we had a potentially suicidal friend, to tell someone. To not keep it a secret, even if they begged you to. Even if betraying their trust ruins your friendship, because hey, at least they're still alive, right? I mean- what the fuck? I guess I get it, the guilt you'd live with if you kept the secret and they died. They shouldn't have put that burden on you in the first place but, that's not an excuse, is it? It's just a reason. There are no excuses, only reasons why. This is long. No one's gonna read this. Still though. Have you ever just thought for a moment, hesitated? Thought, "I'm scared. I don't want to do this." But then you wake up, and you realize why you're there in the first place. And you're so much more scared of waking up the next day and walking outside, and seeing everyone you know and everyone who fucks you up internally. And then you realize again why you're here again, because no matter how you try, it's not going to get better. It's never going to get better. It's only going to get worse, as you grow and can't blame your youth anymore. And if you don't end it now, someday in the future you'll realize you should have. Because in the end, it's already too late. It's too late for me. It's always been too late, I'm just only realizing it now.

 

[DyingToDie123]

I hear you. I'm planning to jump. I've wanted it for a long time. But I'm afraid. Afraid to die, afraid to fail, afraid to chicken out. I can't win.

 

[Hotsackage]

i think about life and i think about death. and niether one particularily appeals to me

 

[FuneralCry]

Trying to force people to suffer when they wish to cease existing truly is the selfish thing, I hate those people who believe that everyone is obligated to continue suffering in this existence they were unfortunate enough to be burdened with. But anyway best wishes with your plans.

 

[Unknown21]

What I'm really scared of is failing an attempt, from one mistake u may live all ur life in hell.

For death i don't fear it at all it's the eternal peace that i wish.

 

[a_depressed_lizard]

I agree, I hate living and death seems like a far better option, but the though of eternal nothingness or a afterlife terrifies me sometimes.

 

[ThisIsLife]

But I'd rather die than live. If I'm being honest, I don't think suicide is selfish, regarding me. I would cause a lot more harm if I lived than if I died, now. I don't get why people try to prevent suicide. Isn't preventing suicide selfish? You're basically prolonging someone else's suffering for your selfish desire of them surviving. What's a life without living? Why do people value life over living?

No matter what people say, suicide is and forever will be a matter of free will, yet nobody knows if they ever had any since they were born. There is no human capable of processing how an illusion of choice might be part of what they think is under their control. In the great scheme of things, the day i CTB might be set in stone since my first breath.

How could i see life as a "gift" if i was forced into it in the first place? On the contrary, the true gift is suicide.

Living achieves nothing more than teaching me that its meaning is that it ends.

Have you ever just thought for a moment, hesitated? Thought, "I'm scared. I don't want to do this." But then you wake up, and you realize why you're there in the first place. And you're so much more scared of waking up the next day and walking outside, and seeing everyone you know and everyone who fucks you up internally. And then you realize again why you're here again, because no matter how you try, it's not going to get better. It's never going to get better. It's only going to get worse, as you grow and can't blame your youth anymore. And if you don't end it now, someday in the future you'll realize you should have. Because in the end, it's already too late. It's too late for me. It's always been too late, I'm just only realizing it now.

YES

 

[hollow_eyes]

What I'm really scared of is failing an attempt, from one mistake u may live all ur life in hell.

For death i don't fear it at all it's the eternal peace that i wish.

Yeah I really have the desire to die, yet if I don't pull it off, my life will be so much more worse than it is now, so I'm just waiting for the opportunity to have something that will be 100% lethal that I will guaranteed not survive.

 

[letmejoindeath]

debating staying alive and miserable just so I can be alive when my biological parents cease to exist

I think that would be some happiness to wait around for. When they are gone we will tell stories about how shit the generation before us was.

About how religion and the church were more important than their own family and they acted self-righteous about it like they were the holy ones.

They are as close to worthless as a human being can get. Hope God will treat them like they treated their own children in his name, over and over and over and over for over 30+ years straight.

 

[Unknown21]

Yeah I really have the desire to die, yet if I don't pull it off, my life will be so much more worse than it is now, so I'm just waiting for the opportunity to have something that will be 100% lethal that I will guaranteed not survive.

Unfortunately, there is no 100% lethality in any method, there's always a relative chances of failure unless u have N.

 

[movinout17]

What I'm really scared of is failing an attempt, from one mistake u may live all ur life in hell.

For death i don't fear it at all it's the eternal peace that i wish.

You're right. A failed attempt can be really terrifying, and I didn't think of it that much, as I'm in the process of setting up my sn method. It's good that sn failure is usually physically forgiving, but I can imagine how discouraging failure can still be.
I have to make sure that I am successful, thanks for helping me realizing this. I have mixed feelings about suicide, but I feel that I'm too far gone. Someone that has thought so obsessively about suicide as me isn't likely to have a healthy future anyway :(
Chronic suicidality for years sucks
/vent

 

[MiMif]

i think about life and i think about death. and niether one particularily appeals to me

Same I just wish to not exist
Like to wiped from existence as if I was never here