Venting I ruined my life for motivation to kill myself

[icantwait_togo]

I self sabotage every single thing in my life for another reason to kill myself, yet after I have completely ruined my life, I still can't bring myself to do it. I have been suicidal since a young child, yet I am too much of a coward to even make a real attempt. I left my friends exactly a year ago. I purposely failed all my classes and didn't graduate high school. I have ruined every single relationship I have ever had. Just last night, I left the only person who I have ever truly loved because I needed a final push to kill myself. Now all I want to do is call him but I won't let myself. At the same time, all I want to do is die.

I don't know what to do. I have no life left to live because I single handedly ruined mine to shreds to feed into my suicidal idealization. I don't have anyone in the world to talk to. Please. What the hell do I do.

 

[Baisley]

I've ruined my life too. I now want to CTB but haven't been successful with it, as of yet. Try not to be so hard on yourself and know that you aren't alone.

 

[happy1234]

me too. i think the first step is holding the tension of the reality/truth what you did with your own hands, but at the same time recognizing the strings of 'fate' that guided those hands. cliche as it is, i believe the self destruction could serve as a catalyst or a hint towards your greater truth. or we could just curl up and die