Venting I regret my choices

[Mothstired]

A few months ago after a period of prolonged starvation I almost put myself into a low blood sugar coma. I don't know why but I decided I would take the glucose to get my sugar back up and try hard at eating disorder recovery. I regret that more than anything, I've gained weight and no longer have the self control or discipline to indulge in my favorite coping mechanism. I don't know why I chose to keep trying, my life has never been worth living and never will be. So here I am 15 pounds fatter and even worse off than I was. Had I just waited another 30 minutes I would have slipped into a coma, nobody would have found me until the morning leaving me brain dead and finally through with this meaningless existence. I feel so stupid for not just letting things end when they should have.