Venting I regret getting rid of my SN

[western_heart]

I seriously thought the worst of my suicidality was in the past. My partner assured me that she would get a job & I don't have to work. I realized that my trauma doesn't have to consume me. I did a bunch of ketamine and no longer feel so easily triggered by things. A few days ago I started with a new trauma informed therapist. I feel hopeful about the treatment (still do) and got rid of my SN.

But, I hate day to day living and want to CTB. It's like I forgot some of the reasons that I wanted to die in this first place. I feel trapped in my apartment, it's so dirty and cluttered and cleaning seems insurmountable. I want to have less stuff but my partner keeps buying more things and getting more gifts and won't let me do things like throw away expired food. She's not apologizing for making purchases, she didn't comfort me last night when I got upset over the mess.
Now that I got rid of the SN and started to feel a little less depressed, she expects me to be able to help 100% around the house even though I'm not stable. I cannot handle stress well right now. I'm in a very fragile recovery and now I'm broken again.

She invited friends over for later today and is using that as motivation to clean, but it's making me panic. When I tried helping out with the apartment last night, I found so many little annoyances and I got overwhelmed. I couldn't sleep thinking about it. She recognized that hanging out with friends isn't worth the pain I'm in & almost canceled the plans last night before bed but convinced me everything would be ok. But now it's today and I'm not okay. I was up past 12 am and woke up around 6:30, unable to fall back asleep. That's not enough rest for me.

My partner thinks our apartment will be better if we get some shelves from Ikea so she has more places to put her things, but she can't afford to buy them (I told her we should wait until she gets her tax refund first, which she refuses to file even though my mom is willing to do it for her). I don't think shelves will solve much but considering my money will be no good to me if I'm dead, I guess I should just buy the damn shelves with my limited savings. And figure out how we'll get them here; I don't have a car and don't know when I'll get one, so I'll have to ask family for help.

When I was acutely suicidal & getting severe flashbacks every few days, I was too disassociated to care about the mess I live in. My partner was taking care of me the best she could, making sure I was at least fed. We haven't been keeping up with dishes and now we have started using plastic silverware in addition to paper plates and bowls. And yet we still bought food that requires more cooking, instead of prepared foods!

This life isn't one I want to live. My partner convinced me not to CTB, but I don't think we can ever live together without stress. So now I'm stuck here without a method, living with someone who is pushing me too hard, knowing that I will be miserable and I will never live in a comfortable home even if both of us were functioning at 100%.

Now I'm back to where I was a month ago, wondering if I should order SN. Instead of impulsively buying like I did 2 weeks ago, I'll follow my three day rule. If I still feel the same on Wednesday, I'll buy it again.

 

[Roseate]

Damn you must have money, I work and I don't think I can afford to buy SN. Start small. You don't have to do a lot at once. You can just start with whatever makes you comfortable. And do a little bit. And I don't think we can ever live life with no stress. I don't think that's possible.

 

[western_heart]

Damn you must have money, I work and I don't think I can afford to buy SN. Start small. You don't have to do a lot at once. You can just start with whatever makes you comfortable. And do a little bit. And I don't think we can ever live life with no stress. I don't think that's possible.

(In the US) SN is cheap compared to importing the antiemetics needed to go peacefully with it, or the hotel room I'd book to use it.

I'm going to try to make things better, I am going to clean the bathroom this morning before they come over. I took a simulant for the first time in weeks :( so I'll have some energy

 

[LastFlowers]

Damn you must have money, I work and I don't think I can afford to buy SN. Start small. You don't have to do a lot at once. You can just start with whatever makes you comfortable. And do a little bit. And I don't think we can ever live life with no stress. I don't think that's possible.

Mine was less than $30.
Compared to N, that's chump change.
Are you sure you're not thinking of N?

 

[western_heart]

Now that it's been a few hours I feel a bit better and am looking forward to seeing my friends.

How do I stop myself from going down this line of thinking so easily? I will post in the recovery section in the next few days.

 

[Makko]

How do I stop myself from going down this line of thinking so easily? I will post in the recovery section in the next few days.

Buy SN and stash it somewhere (not in the apartment). Just knowing that you have it will give you a sense of security.

 

[Seiba]

Buy SN and stash it somewhere (not in the apartment). Just knowing that you have it will give you a sense of security.

Possible it might escalate their situation to being worse since their partner wanted them to get rid of it last time. The person feels better now and is looking for ways to avoid going that line of thinking again, so I'm not sure suggesting them to buy their method again is a good idea.

 

[Makko]

Possible it might escalate their situation to being worse since their partner wanted them to get rid of it last time. The person feels better now and is looking for ways to avoid going that line of thinking again, so I'm not sure suggesting them to buy their method again is a good idea.

It's a way to get back control and stop the rollercoaster of emotions. You obviously aren't supposed to reveal this to the partner. If you're the sort that can't keep secrets, then there's nothing else you can do but ride out the rollercoaster every time it comes around.

 

[Seiba]

It's a way to get back control and stop the rollercoaster of emotions. You obviously aren't supposed to reveal this to the partner. If you're the sort that can't keep secrets, then there's nothing else you can do but ride out the rollercoaster every time it comes around.

I'm not sure how well the aspect of control will work for them when they're in a emotionally desperate place. Keeping secrets is also rather difficult if someone is living with you, makes it very easy for the package to be discovered. Considering what previously happened I'd say their partner would more vigilant about packages entering and where things are. Perhaps he/she can look into it if it's something they feel need but not sure it's the right time.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/i-ordered-sn-but-my-partner-wants-me-to-get-rid-of-it.68971/

 

[FuneralCry]

This life really can be exhausting - I understand why you would have regrets about getting rid of SN, just having it is knowing you have a way out if things get too much, knowing you wouldn't have to suffer anymore. To get better though, if that is what you want, I would focus on doing small things first, and try to stay relaxed even know I understand how hard it is when you are dealing with suicidal thoughts. I wish you the best.

 

[Roseate]

(In the US) SN is cheap compared to importing the antiemetics needed to go peacefully with it, or the hotel room I'd book to use it.

I'm going to try to make things better, I am going to clean the bathroom this morning before they come over. I took a simulant for the first time in weeks :( so I'll have some energy

Great. Proud of you. And I didn't know that.

Mine was less than $30.
Compared to N, that's chump change.
Are you sure you're not thinking of N?

Ig I assumed because if it's so cheap then why isn't it available everywhere? That was my dumbass logic.

 

[western_heart]

Thanks for the replies everyone. It's Wednesday and I no longer want to re-buy SN. I felt so bad when I started this thread on Sunday morning, but my friends came over and we had a great time! I felt better as the day went on.

I don't have any place to stash SN outside of the building I live in, but I could probably hide it somewhere. I need to be very careful receiving packages if I don't want my partner to know. I got "caught" picking up SN by my smartwatch - I biked to get it, reached my fitness goal for the day, and my partner saw a celebratory notification on her phone after my ride. It was an unusual time of day for me to go on a bike ride, and my partner already knew that I had ordered SN, so she was easily able to guess where I went.

It's a way to get back control and stop the rollercoaster of emotions. You obviously aren't supposed to reveal this to the partner. If you're the sort that can't keep secrets, then there's nothing else you can do but ride out the rollercoaster every time it comes around.

Yup - I want/need emotional stability.

I don't think I can keep SN (or any other method) a secret. My partner picked up on the changes in my thinking and behavior pretty quickly during the week I had the SN. having it around makes my thoughts darker all the time, but the extremes were gentler. And... I tend to tell her everything.

So unless I am fully committed to CTB, having an accessible method will make my life worse. I am stuck on the roller coaster.

 

[LastFlowers]

Thanks for the replies everyone. It's Wednesday and I no longer want to re-buy SN. I felt so bad when I started this thread on Sunday morning, but my friends came over and we had a great time! I felt better as the day went on.

I don't have any place to stash SN outside of the building I live in, but I could probably hide it somewhere. I need to be very careful receiving packages if I don't want my partner to know. I got "caught" picking up SN by my smartwatch - I biked to get it, reached my fitness goal for the day, and my partner saw a celebratory notification on her phone after my ride. It was an unusual time of day for me to go on a bike ride, and my partner already knew that I had ordered SN, so she was easily able to guess where I went.


Yup - I want/need emotional stability.

I don't think I can keep SN (or any other method) a secret. My partner picked up on the changes in my thinking and behavior pretty quickly during the week I had the SN. having it around makes my thoughts darker all the time, but the extremes were gentler. And... I tend to tell her everything.

So unless I am fully committed to CTB, having an accessible method will make my life worse. I am stuck on the roller coaster.

Why does your partner have such close access to your own device?
Do they monitor your every move?
Just curious as to why they would get a notification, and maybe I missed it, but did you tell them you bought SN or they found out themselves?

 

[western_heart]

Why does your partner have such close access to your own device?
Do they monitor your every move?
Just curious as to why they would get a notification, and maybe I missed it, but did you tell them you bought SN or they found out themselves?

I told my partner I ordered SN before it arrived. She doesn't monitor anything, but we are friends on one of the fitness tracking apps we both use, and the app is configured to share basic workout data. It showed that I went on a long bike ride at a strange time.

We both share our location with each other too. I like having this on most of the time, but disabling it is on my CTB checklist.

 

[western_heart]

It's a way to get back control and stop the rollercoaster of emotions. You obviously aren't supposed to reveal this to the partner. If you're the sort that can't keep secrets, then there's nothing else you can do but ride out the rollercoaster every time it comes around.

This comment has really stuck with me over the past 8 months, I think back to it often. the rollercoaster hasn't gotten any less intense and I hope you are right about being able to get back some control.

 

[Sherri]

I nearly got rid of mine too, but decided to keep it, only have one year left cause it only lasts 3 years.