itsneverbeenmoreove
You are just my love
- May 21, 2024
- 78
I don't have anything really radical or original to say, but I thought I might as well write a quick post about how frustrating it is to deal with SI. For me at least, there is a sort of existential terror, more than a desire to live. Because I have what I consider a lot of positive reason that I want to CTB and also some not so great reasons to CTB (not that I feel like I should be judging anyone's reasons) and as a result, it might be expected that actually going through with it wouldn't be that hard. Like, even the guilt-tripping from loved ones, and all the positive things that do exist, those aren't what really deter me. If you're dead, you're dead, and you don't exist when you're dead so none of those things will be a concern to you because there won't be a you. It's that latter part that really fucks with me. The concept of nonexistence.
As much as I despise existence, as much as I find the good things in this world not worth all the negatives, as much as I experience tremendous emotional pain, as much as I hate myself, and all of those things. As much as I have all these things I really hate about existing and make me feel like CTB would be better both for me and for others, I am scared of non-existence. Because what does non-existence mean? Like, actually what does it mean to not exist? What is nothing? I'm not sure it's possible to actually conceptualize nothing.
Try imagining nothing. Close your eyes and imagine nothing. Guess what. You failed. You just imagined something. You probably imagined an empty void or maybe a 0, but you imagined something. There is something that you imagined. That empty void is something. It's a void that doesn't have anything in it, but that's something. So what is non-existence? You can't die and then wake up dead. You don't exist as dead, you simply don't exist. And that is very very scary to my living mind. Because there just doesn't seem to be a way to conceptualize not-existing. You won't be dead and realize you dont exist. You just wont exist. There wont be a you to do anything. And that is scary to me.
As much as I crave that non-existence, as much as I crave the ability to actually choose to CTB, as much as I crave escape, I cannot help but be terrified by that very nonexistence. It's not the prospect of dying, it's the prospect of being dead that my mind just seems unable to handle. And as I result I still exist and it fucking sucks.
Does anyone else relate to this at all? Do you find yourself scared because you can't really comprehend what it means to not exist? Or do you have other things that act as your SI?
As much as I despise existence, as much as I find the good things in this world not worth all the negatives, as much as I experience tremendous emotional pain, as much as I hate myself, and all of those things. As much as I have all these things I really hate about existing and make me feel like CTB would be better both for me and for others, I am scared of non-existence. Because what does non-existence mean? Like, actually what does it mean to not exist? What is nothing? I'm not sure it's possible to actually conceptualize nothing.
Try imagining nothing. Close your eyes and imagine nothing. Guess what. You failed. You just imagined something. You probably imagined an empty void or maybe a 0, but you imagined something. There is something that you imagined. That empty void is something. It's a void that doesn't have anything in it, but that's something. So what is non-existence? You can't die and then wake up dead. You don't exist as dead, you simply don't exist. And that is very very scary to my living mind. Because there just doesn't seem to be a way to conceptualize not-existing. You won't be dead and realize you dont exist. You just wont exist. There wont be a you to do anything. And that is scary to me.
As much as I crave that non-existence, as much as I crave the ability to actually choose to CTB, as much as I crave escape, I cannot help but be terrified by that very nonexistence. It's not the prospect of dying, it's the prospect of being dead that my mind just seems unable to handle. And as I result I still exist and it fucking sucks.
Does anyone else relate to this at all? Do you find yourself scared because you can't really comprehend what it means to not exist? Or do you have other things that act as your SI?