I feel this so, so hard. I'll be 43 in a few days. I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt at 19, have more or less gone on since then- highs and lows, the whole rollercoaster that comes with living with severe anxiety and depression, mostly hidden behind the smokescreen of a high-functioning normal life. About 4 yrs ago everything took a nosedive, and no matter how hard I try there is nothing I can do to pull out of it. It's like all of the goodness and luck I might have managed to find earlier in life are just used up and now it's just bad, bad, bad. I can't see a way through anymore. I worked so hard and so many ppl believed in me when I was young, and it all just came to nothing.
Today, my BS slumlord landlord (to whom I've been paying an exorbitant rent, on time, for 10 yrs) threatened to kick me out of my apartment because I had the temerity to ask that he pay for my broken window to be repaired. He's a straight criminal and it's highly likely that I could lose my home. I'm divorced, an expat, all alone in this in a country that will always be foreign to me. I'm just...alone. Too messy and complicated I guess for anyone take on as a partner. And I was not meant to be alone. I just don't have the strength to face any of this.
Twice over the last 4 yrs I've gone through the whole thing- figured out the method, laid out all my passcodes and banking info, given away a bunch of my shit. Once I was inadvertently stopped by a friend calling with a crisis ("friend" really- the kind of person who will call you crying when it suits them but never bother to ask how you are). The second time it was my dog desperately scratching on the locked bathroom door. I swear, no one in the world has ever loved me like this dog, and the awful thought of leaving him is probably what's kept me alive. But...I just can't anymore. It's all too much. I wrote out all my banking info again tonight. Left detailed dog-care instructions for my ex husband. At least he has the money to give him a secure home.
I'm so sad because if just one thing would spontaneously come into my life to give me a reason to keep going I would grab onto it and hold on with everything I had. But instead every day it's just the like universe pushes my head farther and father under water. And I just can't handle being 43.
Sorry for the super long post you guys but I can't put this on anyone I know. I'm trying to plan everything out best I can to make it easier for them. I don't want them to have to deal with worry or threats. I just want them to have to process and accept that I'm gone. Anyway, any other geminis out there...I guess I just feel you. I'm sorry for all of us.
I stopped celebrating my birthdays when I was 14. Cause what is there to celebrate? All it does is remind me that time keeps passing and I still feel the same. Nothing gets better.
