Venting I plan on ending my life once I give birth.

[AnonymousCrisis]

After I give birth and spend a bit of time with my baby, I plan on ending my life. I'm 18, I fell in love with a guy who I've been dating for a year. I got pregnant shortly into the pregnancy. Needless to say, while the relationship was so, so loving it was so toxic and abusive on both sides. I saw a part of myself come out that I never wanted to see. I've said so many hurtful things that I never thought I was possible of even wording.

It's honestly terrible but I grew up being groomed left and right for years. People who I thought were my friends weren't. I was a chronic people pleaser with no boundaries, and it ended up hurting my boyfriend a lot. A few months into the relationship, my boyfriend thought I was cheating on him while I was getting out of work. It wasn't me, and while I don't know who he saw, I had 2 co-workers that night who looked similar to me. The fact he thought I could cheat on him broke me. He was and still is my favorite person to ever exist on this earth and I could never imagine doing that. He ended up trying to leave that night and I couldn't handle it. I ended up overdosing for the first time, and I ended up on life support and then was sent to a facility for a week because I made a deal with the doctors. I was a minor at the time which made everything much more difficult. By the time I got out I begged my boyfriend to stay, and he agreed. I ended up getting pregnant about a month later.

It's been hard because he's cheated on me a couple times. It was because he was convinced I had cheated. It hurt because I could never do that to him, but I understood why he did. He was hurt. I feel so sad, because I wanted this relationship to work out so bad. He was the first guy I've ever dated, kissed, I gave him every part of me. I feel so terrible for ever hurting him at any point in the relationship. It hurts because while he's also hurt me, he's such a great lover and person in so many different ways. He was the first person to ever genuinely listen to me and my feelings. It hurts so bad, but he's the only thing that makes me feel better. After getting pregnant, I've just realized I probably won't ever be a good mother. I already love my baby so much, but if I'm this mentally ill I know it'll damage her and I can't do that to her. I'm just so damaged mentally. I don't even have friends. The one "best friend" I did have who treated me terribly I knew for 8 years and she ended up trying to send her nudes to my boyfriend. When my boyfriend showed me what she tried to do it completely broke me. I may have been a shitty partner, but I always treated her so amazingly. She's the person who saved my life the night I overdosed, and she was the first person I told when I found out I was pregnant, and she still did all of that.

I'm just so tired of living. The guy I love isn't in love with me. I know he loves me, he's shown me that countless times, but he isn't in love with me. My "friends" end up betraying me, I fight a painful chronic illness and I'm so tired of being in physical pain, I feel like I look absolutely crazy to my family, and while I love my baby so much I know my mental health will negatively impact her life. My boyfriend plans on getting a paternity test after I give birth for reassurance which I understand. Once those show him it's his baby and he puts his name on the certificate I truly think I'm going to go through with everything and end my life. I'm so tired and I just don't want to do it anymore. I just really needed to vent and get this off my chest.

 

[sensitiveguy]

Interesting, usually love grounds people to life, but it seems it not the case.

 

[Dark Window]

Is it too late for abortion?

Probably best to abort if the childs mother is going to CTB and the father is toxic.

 

[N3UR0T1C]

I'm with the previous user. I feel that it would be way better to abort the child than have the child and then kill yourself right after, leaving the child with no mother and a bad father.

 

[AnonymousCrisis]

I'm with the previous user. I feel that it would be way better to abort the child than have the child and then kill yourself right after, leaving the child with no mother and a bad father.

While my boyfriend and I have had issues, I know he will 100% be an amazing father. Even when I've hurt him or we've gotten in arguments he's never failed to support me with anything I need in pregnancy and has been extremely active with the pregnancy too. He's also extremely gentle and nurturing to kids. Anytime I've seen him interact with a child he's so great with them. We might've had issues, but at the same time the way we might've treated each other at times is nowhere near the same we've treated other people. I think it's because we were/are very emotionally connected and due to different life experiences our traumas clashed.

As for abortion, I couldn't go through with it whenever I had the chance. My boyfriend never pressured me into abortion, but rather when we were considering it he was incredibly kind and gentle about it and I still couldn't go through with it. I'm also 8 months pregnant. Also, while I do want to end things I might feel differently once my baby here. If anything I also just needed to vent about how I felt in a way without feeling judged

Is it too late for abortion?

Probably best to abort if the childs mother is going to CTB and the father is toxic.

While my boyfriend and I have had issues, I know he will 100% be an amazing father. Even when I've hurt him or we've gotten in arguments he's never failed to support me with anything I need in pregnancy and has been extremely active with the pregnancy too. He's also extremely gentle and nurturing to kids. Anytime I've seen him interact with a child he's so great with them. We might've had issues, but at the same time the way we might've treated each other at times is nowhere near the same we've treated other people. I think it's because we were/are very emotionally connected and due to different life experiences our traumas clashed.
As for abortion, I couldn't go through with it whenever I had the chance. My boyfriend never pressured me into abortion, but rather when we were considering it he was incredibly kind and gentle about it and I still couldn't go through with it. I'm also 8 months pregnant. Also, while I do want to end things I might feel differently once my baby is here. If anything I also just needed to vent about how I felt in a way without feeling judged

 

[lemonbunny]

im sorry the people around you have been so cruel. u didn't deserve to be cheated on nor betrayed like that by your best friend. that said, i wish the best for your baby and if you by any chance decide not to go through with ctb, i hope you update us <3

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I hope having that baby changes your mind. I know you want to believe your boyfriend is a good person but from what you said in your post he cheated on you and then used the justification of "only did it because you seemed to be cheating on me". That is juvenile and clearly an excuse. He wanted to cheat, he did so and then took the chance to use that thing to make him look nicer.

I'm of the opinion that, if you're bringing life into this world, you have a big responsibility and having the baby just to immediately ctb is wrong in many levels. Don't put too much trust into that man, he really doesn't seem as great as you seem and, even if he is, people change when their partners die. Trust me, I've seen it first hand. My father became a terrible person once my mother died.

Trust no one, if you care about your child, the only person you can trust to care for her is you.

 

[dolemitedrums]

You are 18. You are pregnant and will be emotional even if things were going well. You are very early in life and giving way too much power to the effects of one person and one relationship.

Slow down with the suicide stuff.

 

[lollblanca]

I'm totally with ForgottenAgian on this. I don't want to blame your boyfriend, but it seems like he's not that nice. I know I shouldn't judge everything based on your post, and you know him best, but maybe you shouldn't trust him too much. I feel really sorry for everything you've gone through, and I hope things start looking up for you and your baby.

 

[SecretAgent420]

Both of you are immature AF, first you shouldn't be offended if he thought you were cheating because everyone is imperfect since we're humans and that's always a possibility. Second you've only been together for 1 year, that's barely the honeymoon phase which last about 1 to 2 years and after that you begin to see the other person's flaws. Sorry to say this but that's why young people should not be dating because they're doing adult things when they are children themselves seriously at 18 people still think like they're 15.

Now the best thing you can do is focus on getting better, forget about him if he's abusive that won't change trust me even therapist advise to leave an abusive partner. Really bothers me that you're willing to leave a baby who can't defend his or herself to be raised by probably grandparents or the immature dad. You wanted to be doing grown up things like dating and having sex right? Well now act like a grown up and take responsibility for your actions, quit victimizing yourself leave the Jack ass focus on getting healthy for the baby and try to go to school or take a course on something so you can find a better job than a minimum wage job.
In case you're wondering I'm 34 and I'm married with a toddler so I know the stages of love, I know how people change and I know the immense responsibility that it is to be a father, I love it it gives me purpose and fulfillment.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

Hey there.

Firstly of all, I want to say that I read your post and that I was deeply moved by it. I can feel your distress through your post and I'm deeply, terribly sorry for everything you've gone through. The people around you sound like absolute assholes and I get that that must feel awfully, tormentingly lonely.

Secondly of all; feel free to discard this if it's not something that you want to hear, but just know I'm not the one who likes to moralize on what other adults do with their own lives, so this comes from a place of genuine internet stranger care:

Please consider other options than ending it. I know that that sounds way easier than it actually is, and maybe you thought about other options already just to end up in circles and get overwhelmed at the idea. There are other things to do in seemingly impossible situations than to CTB though, even if they are hard to find. In my experience - sometimes the things even tend to find you when you least expect it. In just a month you are going to have someone who'll love you more than anything else in this world and that kid can consider themselves lucky because that love is so clearly mutual and you haven't even met them yet! Don't blow that, especially over some immature asshole! Maybe see this as an opportunity to start fresh, get yourself away from those people who are clearly just degrading you. I can promise that that is going to do wonders for your mental health too. You're not mentally "ill" (personally I don't believe that's even a thing), you're hurt and there's a reason for it. It'll likely take time, distance and grieving to heal, but it's possible.

Whatever you decide on, best wishes.

 

[Kalista]

In case you're wondering I'm 34 and I'm married with a toddler so I know the stages of love, I know how people change and I know the immense responsibility that it is to be a father, I love it it gives me purpose and fulfillment.

Your experience/knowledge about relationships/love, and overall in life is not universal. Great, your life turned out to whatever standard it is that you hold that seems more than enough for what you tried to believe in. Not everyone holds the same beliefs as you when it comes to living and being a parent. This is some shit that people need to understand about others -- just because you went through 'the same situation,' does not mean it's exactly the same.
"If I can do it, you can do it!" type of bullshit. You can only ever relate to an extent.

After I give birth and spend a bit of time with my baby, I plan on ending my life.

Do what you have to. I wish you well with whatever decision you end up choosing.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

While my boyfriend and I have had issues, I know he will 100% be an amazing father. Even when I've hurt him or we've gotten in arguments he's never failed to support me with anything I need in pregnancy and has been extremely active with the pregnancy too. He's also extremely gentle and nurturing to kids. Anytime I've seen him interact with a child he's so great with them. We might've had issues, but at the same time the way we might've treated each other at times is nowhere near the same we've treated other people. I think it's because we were/are very emotionally connected and due to different life experiences our traumas clashed.

As for abortion, I couldn't go through with it whenever I had the chance. My boyfriend never pressured me into abortion, but rather when we were considering it he was incredibly kind and gentle about it and I still couldn't go through with it. I'm also 8 months pregnant. Also, while I do want to end things I might feel differently once my baby here. If anything I also just needed to vent about how I felt in a way without feeling judged

While my boyfriend and I have had issues, I know he will 100% be an amazing father. Even when I've hurt him or we've gotten in arguments he's never failed to support me with anything I need in pregnancy and has been extremely active with the pregnancy too. He's also extremely gentle and nurturing to kids. Anytime I've seen him interact with a child he's so great with them. We might've had issues, but at the same time the way we might've treated each other at times is nowhere near the same we've treated other people. I think it's because we were/are very emotionally connected and due to different life experiences our traumas clashed.
As for abortion, I couldn't go through with it whenever I had the chance. My boyfriend never pressured me into abortion, but rather when we were considering it he was incredibly kind and gentle about it and I still couldn't go through with it. I'm also 8 months pregnant. Also, while I do want to end things I might feel differently once my baby is here. If anything I also just needed to vent about how I felt in a way without feeling judged

Well vent or do what you need to bc right now, you just need to work on your stress levels because it can have a negative effect on the baby's mental health later on, even if the bahy has a happy childhood with both parents. Take care of yourself, which in turn takes care of your baby right now.

 

[happynot]

Live the blessing and talk to a counsellor for women it can be really helpful

 

[just cant]

That baby will be the reason you have something to live for. Leave the dirtbag now and move far away before baby is born otherwise the dirtbag will always be in your life.
Unless you're going to give the baby up for adoption it's really not fair to them if you have them then end things, they'll grow up thinking they were the problem.
Try to get your hormone and vitamin levels checked and address those to try to help.
I really wish you all the hope and luck in the world

 

[agony1996]

That baby will be the reason you have something to live for. Leave the dirtbag now and move far away before baby is born otherwise the dirtbag will always be in your life.
Unless you're going to give the baby up for adoption it's really not fair to them if you have them then end things, they'll grow up thinking they were the problem.
Try to get your hormone and vitamin levels checked and address those to try to help.
I really wish you all the hope and luck in the world

I completely agree with you