Venting I opened up to my mum about being suicidal and I may have seriously fucked up

[ashfall]

I opened up to my mum about being suicidal. She knew that I generally struggled with depression and have intrusive thoughts but not everything. I explained for the first time that I don't just think about dying all the time - I actually want and plan to die. I don't know what reaction I was expecting, maybe she'd freak out and threaten to put me in a psych ward again or, a tiny really tiny stupidly optimistic part of me hoped even if she didn't agree with me she'd support me anyway. Give me some closure before I ctb you know? Well, instead she just flat out didn't believe me. She said I was just being dramatic and basically just saying it for attention. Then she told me to go meditate.

I'm kind of heartbroken. I didn't think she would fully understand but I thought she would at least believe me. Honestly, it's more than that though. Part of the reason I'm being more and more honest with my parents is that I don't want it to feel like it came out of nowhere when I ctb. Slowly adjust them to the idea you know? I want to make them understand before I die that it's not their fault and there is literally nothing they could have done about it. The problem isn't them or the world - it's the way my brain works. On one hand, I'm sad because one of the only people I trust just completely dismissed everything I said and feel, but on the other hand I'm worried that when I'm gone Mum will look back on the conversation and blame herself for not believing me. It's the kind of thing she does. I don't know what I was really hoping to achieve - the conversation was an impulsive decision after a panic attack - but blaming herself is the last thing I want. I want to make my death as easy and untraumatic as possible for her.

It's a stupid fantasy but part of me can't help but hope I just need to find the right words to explain and then she'll understand I need to die and it's no one's fault. And she'll miss me fondly in a "she's in a better place" kind of way. I know that will never happen but any advice on how I can damage control this conversation? I may be overthinking it and I should just stop worrying about it and hope she'll forget it but I'm also scared I majorly fucked up.

 

[Al Cappella]

Ouch, tough lesson. But ya, never tell the parents—or anyone else, unless you know they understand and know how to manage. Based on her reaction, if you let it be she'll move on quickly enough. Or just follow it up with "I was having a bad day". There's just no point to inviting friction and feeling worse than you already are…

 

[Zzzzz]

This is tough. I wish I had good advice for you but sadly I don't. If someone responded to me like that it would most likely cause me to stop being as honest with them.

 

[Crazy4u]

It is not your fault if she blames herself. You gave her a chance to help you and she ignored you. Don't be hard on yourself. I understand having fantasies about suicide but we live in an anti-choice society. Opening up won't help in any way.

 

[Foresight]

The first thing I thought was, yea, your mom is going to regret that. Your train of thought is probably right. She'll look back on that conversation in horror. Maybe a detailed note is all that can be done while avoiding a trip to the psych ward. If you bring it back up it might click and they will send you off. At the same time, if they send you off and it happens anyway then they might have even more room to say they did all they could. Very tough, I hope you get some rest after all this.

 

[KevG]

I opened up to my mum about being suicidal. She knew that I generally struggled with depression and have intrusive thoughts but not everything. I explained for the first time that I don't just think about dying all the time - I actually want and plan to die. I don't know what reaction I was expecting, maybe she'd freak out and threaten to put me in a psych ward again or, a tiny really tiny stupidly optimistic part of me hoped even if she didn't agree with me she'd support me anyway. Give me some closure before I ctb you know? Well, instead she just flat out didn't believe me. She said I was just being dramatic and basically just saying it for attention. Then she told me to go meditate.

I'm kind of heartbroken. I didn't think she would fully understand but I thought she would at least believe me. Honestly, it's more than that though. Part of the reason I'm being more and more honest with my parents is that I don't want it to feel like it came out of nowhere when I ctb. Slowly adjust them to the idea you know? I want to make them understand before I die that it's not their fault and there is literally nothing they could have done about it. The problem isn't them or the world - it's the way my brain works. On one hand, I'm sad because one of the only people I trust just completely dismissed everything I said and feel, but on the other hand I'm worried that when I'm gone Mum will look back on the conversation and blame herself for not believing me. It's the kind of thing she does. I don't know what I was really hoping to achieve - the conversation was an impulsive decision after a panic attack - but blaming herself is the last thing I want. I want to make my death as easy and untraumatic as possible for her.

It's a stupid fantasy but part of me can't help but hope I just need to find the right words to explain and then she'll understand I need to die and it's no one's fault. And she'll miss me fondly in a "she's in a better place" kind of way. I know that will never happen but any advice on how I can damage control this conversation? I may be overthinking it and I should just stop worrying about it and hope she'll forget it but I'm also scared I majorly fucked up.

Let me first say I am sorry for how this went with your mother. We have the highest expectations for our parents who are in themselves fragile and vulnerable. I have a unique perspective. My partner took his own life a few months ago and now I am planning my own departure. I can't live without him. He was the only person that made my own depression tolerable. He also suffered from depression and suffered from grief from a young age. His father died when he was very young and he never got over it. There were discussions he had with me where he cried and said no one knew the pain he felt. He wanted to end his life. I told him I could never truly say I could understand his pain. I told him during his pain I can see fantasizing about suicide but that he needed to realize how this would destroy his extended family and me and he needed to work this out. I was wrong. I loved him so so much that I couldn't accept or even envision him killing himself no matter what he said. I was in denial since my love for him was so deep. He truly was the most amazing and loving, kind and caring person I ever wanted or had in my life. I think your parents love you so much and they feel love for you. Any thought of you leaving them can't even enter their minds. Life is so fragile.

 

[someonelse]

That's really hard to hear. I'm sorry that's the response you got. I've tried to "drop hints" with my dad — I understand the desire to somehow make it less of a shock for other people. But I guess in a pro-life world it's hard to figure out exactly how to strike that balance. I've never outright said I'm going to ctb to anyone but people on this forum. I'll sometimes refer to my suicidal ideation but that's it.

 

[Itsbeenalongtime]

I totally get this, though I generally not advise telling anyone you plan to die. They can try to stop you or if you're really clumsy about it, be implicated when you actually ctb. However it seems that wasn't the case in your experience, it must have been heart breaking. Tbh that sort of reaction would make me angry and almost want to do it just to prove I'm not lying. It's so hard for people to understand us, I really wish sometimes that my boyfriend and my mum could empathise with the way I feel because like you, I want them to know that one day I have to die and its so I can be at peace and they didn't do anything wrong.

I opened up to my mum the other day (not in an I'm planning to kill myself way but in a hey I'm still suicidal and struggling way) as she often acts like I'm lazing around while she constantly complains about how tired she is. Like hey I'm desperately trying to keep afloat and stay alive for you here, every day is a struggle but I don't constantly complain cause where would that get anyone. I told her that if she didn't want me to be so anxious she shouldn't have put so much stress on me as a child. She is a very stressful person, she thinks every food will give you cancer and whenever we had financial troubles she would tell me about them, or how we could lose the house. This lead me to have acute financial stress. But somehow she seems to be immune to depression and has this outlook that everything will work out somehow.

But when I tell her how stressed it makes me she's like "oh we were never that poor, other people are worse off. I think you only got that anxious because I didn't give you enough vitamins as a kid. I don't see why you felt a difference between you and other kids. You shouldn't feel that bad"
Idk maybe because we earned less than half the average wage for a single person as a 2 person household, couldn't afford heating or building repairs and the house has tiles peeling off the walls and hasn't been redecorated since 1975...
Its like a complete dismissal of my feelings that everything I feel is irrational when I clearly had the right to be stressed. And I still have a right to feel like this.

It just sucks to try and explain a little bit of your feelings and to be told it's false or invalid. It feels good to know that here other people feel the same and that it's OK to be in pain an want to die and you shouldn't have to justify it to family.

Im half glad they can't understand as it means they cant feel what I feel buy it does mean they will hurt more when I go

 

[Rob1984]

That's really concerning that she didn't take you seriously. I honestly don't know what she's thinking. To me, it's obvious, if anybody mentions ctb, you fucking take that shit seriously. I'm not saying to take it seriously in the sense to immediately try to stop them, but take it seriously in the sense that they get your immediate undivided attention and you listen to what they have to say and what they're going through. Someone is flat out telling you they are suffering to the point they want to die, for christ's sake.

But I'm so, so sorry you got that response. It's incredibly invalidating. It's essentially her saying "you do not have problems worthy of ctb, so stop joking around." What you did is actually very admirable imo. It takes a lot of guts to open up to somebody about your ctb thoughts, ESPECIALLY your parents. It's an incredibly sensitive and vulnerable topic. I'm truly shocked your mom had that reaction. And tbh, I'd be just as concerned if she forgot you said this to her. I know you may not want to hear this, but her sending you to a psych ward is a healthier reaction than her just completely dismissing that her own kid said they plan on ctb. And yes, you are right. If you did ctb, she would immediately blame herself. And tbh, she actually should feel some blame. She dismissed and invalidated your own suffering, even when you flat out told her you plan on ctb.

Anyway, I really feel for you. My heart hurts hearing a parent react like this to their kid. I get the sense your mom is kinda naive and doesn't realize how real ctb is. I'd gamble big money that your mom hasn't had anyone close in her life ctb before, cuz otherwise she would've taken you seriously.

Sending love your way <3

 

[downndone2]

That's tough, some people just dont know how to react or what to say. Ibe only shared my thoughts on it with one person and he has been in my situation. If I told my family, theyd have me in a psych ward.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you had that experience, I personally never see it as a good thing to be open to others about wanting to ctb, as it seems as though many people do not respect the right to die. Non suicidal people cannot comprehend what we go through. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[waitingforrest]

This is sadly the reason why I don't tell anyone irl about ctb anymore. Everytime, I have to backtrack and downplay it so that I won't be in a ward. Sometimes, I just say fuck it, and just tell one of the people I know. Obviously, I backtrack again.

Now I just make edgy suicide jokes so that no one will take me seriously and try to hospitalize me. At this point, everyone I know irl are desensitized to it, it's just me being me they say.

 

[completely-done]

I don't know what to say to comfort you. I'm sorry you experienced this, it really sucks like shit. It's sad when the people who are supposed to protect us don't believe us. I've had a friend say that to me before, it hurts

 

[Isit]

I took SN once and ended up in hospital. My mum said to me after "you wasn't serious about killing yourself was you".

Some people just don't get "it".