Discussion I often think about a woman who went missing in my community several years ago

[fallingleaves]

She left her phone and wallet at home and disappeared. A few weeks later, they found her body in the river. Apparent suicide. Decided to go for a swim in the cold water. I think about her fairly often, considering I never knew her. What I think about the most is how many people were worried about her, and how many people clearly grieved her when she died. She was clearly well known and loved. I think about that in contrast to how alone, how utterly isolated I am. How my attempts at reaching out for help have left me more alone. How if I pulled the same stunt she did, nobody would care. People wouldn't write long pieces about their grief over my loss. They wouldn't even know. Nobody knows me. I think about that a lot.

 

[drowinginsorrowww]

I often think about how many people would show at my funeral. Like this one kid died drink driving at my school and most of the school turned out (about 300). He killed someone in the crash. But then I think About mine and maybe family would turn up but thats like 4 tops. I didn't want to kill anyone. I feel you mate

 

[fallingleaves]

I want to add that I've felt jealous of the attention that some terminally ill people on social media seemed to get in the past. This makes me feel like a horrible person. It's not really about them, it's about my own feeling that nobody around me would care or even know if I died. That I want to end my life all the time and I wish I could get the attention those people are getting. I feel sick in the head but that's how I feel.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

It's very sad that you've been made to feel so isolated throughout your life. Even if such thoughts might be controversial, I think it's understandable why someone would compare and draw parallels between themselves and others who have passed on, hearing stories that strike a chord with us and stay glued in our in our memory with salience often bring about reminders of our own fears, regrets, unfulfilled desires, and so on.

The woman's story likely stuck with you because of this. When a good friend of mine passed, I really wished that I could swap places with her and that she could have another chance at life instead, because she was truly loved and cherished by many people. I can't say the same about myself. No one is going to care enough to even write me a eulogy.

I see motivational quotes and posts all the time about how suicide is never an option, because someone out there loves you. While this probably does help certain populations of suicidal people feel better, it only makes me feel worse because it draws attention to the fact that I am alone. So I understand how you're feeling, that isolation is an awful thing to experience, especially when you've reached out before and the pleas have fallen on deaf ears.

Someone I have known for over four years at this point and who I considered a friend randomly told me that she wouldn't care if I ctb and died tomorrow, out of the blue. When I realized that I was merely a background character in other people's lives, it only made me even more suicidal. I really feel for you, because I know how badly this hurts, to know that people don't show you the level of care you desperately crave.

 

[fallingleaves]

It's very sad that you've been made to feel so isolated throughout your life. Even if such thoughts might be controversial, I think it's understandable why someone would compare and draw parallels between themselves and others who have passed on, hearing stories that strike a chord with us and stay glued in our in our memory with salience often bring about reminders of our own fears, regrets, unfulfilled desires, and so on.

The woman's story likely stuck with you because of this. When a good friend of mine passed, I really wished that I could swap places with her and that she could have another chance at life instead, because she was truly loved and cherished by many people. I can't say the same about myself. No one is going to care enough to even write me a eulogy.

I see motivational quotes and posts all the time about how suicide is never an option, because someone out there loves you. While this probably does help certain populations of suicidal people feel better, it only makes me feel worse because it draws attention to the fact that I am alone. So I understand how you're feeling, that isolation is an awful thing to experience, especially when you've reached out before and the pleas have fallen on deaf ears.

Someone I have known for over four years at this point and who I considered a friend randomly told me that she wouldn't care if I ctb and died tomorrow, out of the blue. When I realized that I was merely a background character in other people's lives, it only made me even more suicidal. I really feel for you, because I know how badly this hurts, to know that people don't show you the level of care you desperately crave.

Thank you for your kind response. I can relate to wanting to swap places with someone who died as well. About five and a half years ago, someone I loved very much killed themself. I went through a long period of time wishing it was me instead. Grief, jealousy, feelings of injustice; it can feel too much to bear.

I'm sorry someone you know said that to you, that's fucked up. There's so much unkindness in this world already, and people are out here adding to it. I'm so tired of that.

I think for myself, I never received that level of secure care when I was a child, and now as an adult that feels impossible to find when I'm not able to present myself as a secure and stable person. People just leave.

Unrelated, but should I be using CTB instead of speaking plainly? I'm a little confused about why people on this forum are using a euphemism, when the name of the website is what it is. No worries if you don't know.

 

[drowinginsorrowww]

Thank you for your kind response. I can relate to wanting to swap places with someone who died as well. About five and a half years ago, someone I loved very much killed themself. I went through a long period of time wishing it was me instead. Grief, jealousy, feelings of injustice; it can feel too much to bear.

I'm sorry someone you know said that to you, that's fucked up. There's so much unkindness in this world already, and people are out here adding to it. I'm so tired of that.

I think for myself, I never received that level of secure care when I was a child, and now as an adult that feels impossible to find when I'm not able to present myself as a secure and stable person. People just leave.

Unrelated, but should I be using CTB instead of speaking plainly? I'm a little confused about why people on this forum are using a euphemism, when the name of the website is what it is. No worries if you don't know.

I think ctb'ing is used from when google indexed the site (scraping for certain words not to be used), I think it would then block the site from anyone trying to get to it from google. Use duckduckgo (and TOR if you care enough). sorry I can't answer the rest of your answer!

 

[fallingleaves]

I think ctb'ing is used from when google indexed the site (scraping for certain words not to be used), I think it would then block the site from anyone trying to get to it from google. Use duckduckgo (and TOR if you care enough). sorry I can't answer the rest of your answer!

It's possible that I found the site because I already have duckduckgo set as my default search engine!

 

[drowinginsorrowww]

That'll do it!