Help I never expected to living this long

[Maormer]

I first tried to off myself when i was 16 and honestly ever since then i had always assumed i would attempt again and be successful but it never quite worked out like that. Im 23 years old now. Even though its been 8 years i just cant shake this feeling of certainty that im going to die soon. I know that's probably just foreshortened future but ive had reason to believe it. I've had attempts since then and i have reoccurring episodes of self harm and intense suicidal ideation, but somehow ive survived and now i have no idea what im doing.

I started college with a major i didn't really want under the assumption i wouldn't live long enough to graduate anyway. Now I'm about to graduate and im dealing with the consequences of my actions. I never planned to get this far and i have so few aspirations. Im not at the point where i have a plan rn, but i have attempted during a dissociative episode once and im honestly just praying that another one gets me and finishes the job this time. 23 years was plenty, more than plenty. I feel like ive been in a post credit scene for the past 8 years and the whole thing is so surreal. Its such a bizarre way to live, nothing feels real. Most of the time its not even that i want to die (although i definitely do at this moment) its just that the idea of living for another 8 years sounds horrible and more so impossible. I struggle to even accept the reality that odds are im gonna be alive next week let alone when im 31.

Is anyone else in a similar situation? how do you deal with it? As much as im hoping i just end up getting sent into an episode and finish the job i need to accept that that is something i cant really predict. How do you cope with feeling like your life will end very soon and the derealization that comes with it? How do you plan for a future you dont think will come?

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

I relate to this feeling a lot and I'm 46.

When I was in highschool I was convinced I wouldn't make it to 20. In-between I've had various side quests and efforts to find or distract myself.

I have a good amount of debt, because I'm still convinced I'll leave by my choice before they get it back. (Who's laughing now?!)

It's hard for me to carry through on big commitments. I went to art school, but dropped out shortly before getting my BFA (after doing my thesis, ironically).

I'm just coasting through life in many ways. At this point of my life I feel bound to be here, due to the people in my life. It's hard that the more time we spend here the more we get entangled in relationships and commitments that make leaving when we want difficult. Still, I'm preparing for the time of leaving at the time of my choosing.

 

[almaPerdida]

I am on the same boat, i have been planning it for one or two years and i have everything i need. But every time i'm decided, something bad happens to someone close and i feel like it's a horrible timing. I feel bad increasing the suffering of those around me but i can't deal with my own suffering. I can't wait to not feel this anymore.

I have been just going on autopilot for now but this just isn't life. I don't know how to deal if i live more. I just waiting until it becomes unbearable enough or better out of nowhere, maybe?

I deal with it by distracting myself, mostly with videogames. A hobby really helps. I love grinding games so i've been basically just farming stuff and trying funny interactions.

 

[Steff1337]

When I just became a teenager, I never believed that I'll live past 18.

 

[Aliceinborderline]

same same same

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

Never expected to be past 18.

Made the mistake of keeping on going but now I know how I'll correct it. Planning my end is making me strangely happy and it's time.