Help I need your honest and kind opinion on this

[nopointofliving]

Hello friends,

I really need to hear your views regarding my situation. Today I was planning to CTB at night, and suddenly my 6 year old nephew came over, and he wanted to sleep here. He's sleeping now in my room. Of course, I won't kill myself and ruin this kid's life forever. I decided to re-think the whole thing.

I'm going crazy honestly. For a moment, I want to fight. for another moment, I feel so drained and I just want to leave. I'm on/off this life/death thing, I'm going mad. I have no one to turn to. I tried to talk with mum, it didn't help. I tried to talk with an old online friend, he just said "you won't die.. this talk won't help you". I literally have no one to talk to regarding to this. I decided to write this detail post about my situation, and please you help me honestly and kindly. I'm already broken, so don't be so hard on me in the comments.

I have been always a warrior in life. My life circumstances never helped me to achieve what I wanted, but I always insisted on working hard and hard to improve my life. I'm kind, caring and sensitive person, and this made life a hell for me. I tried to be a good person, I helped many, I was so energetic, I was always ready to offer more than I took. This created unbalance in my life. The broken point was when my ex told me that he wants to marry someone else. At that point, all my confidence dropped down, all my projects stopped, even I lost my faith. It isn't because he just left me, but that pulls a series of my life failures. I'm 28 year old woman, never had a regular job, no social achievements, no money.... etc. That failure reminded me of my previous failures. I'm not a social person so you can guess I experienced many embarrassing and bad situations with people. A severe depression episode has been triggered for 6 months now. It's getting worse. Because of what happened to me, I can't trust people any more. I'm isolating myself more and more. No one really texts me now because I'm so down and depressed. I completely dropped my faith. At night, I keep talking with imaginary god blaming him for my situation, and when I realize there is no god to listen, I feel scared and lonely. Now my problem is not only I'm jobless with no lover, but with life itself. I know even if I get the job or the man, I will never be happy. Even I know getting the job or the man will make my situation worse.

Now I'm not okay with life in general. I feel awful whenever I enter my room. I feel awful whenever I hear people talking. I'm not okay with noises. I can't handle any thing related to life. I don't know if you experience this, I see people here enjoying listening to music or watching movies, but I can NOT do this at all. It really annoys me. I hate everything seriously. The normal sounds of life disturbs me. Everything in life is a complete suffering for me. I hate everything around me. Everything makes me scared too. I feel completely scared, and because no one really can hear my pain, I feel more afraid. I'm seeing changes in me; today my nephew was playing with me and he puts his hands around my neck pretending to kill me. In my mind, a thought of suicide pulled in, and how would I feel when I kill myself. It's awful, I don't want to have scary thoughts when I'm with kids. I don't want to turn to such person. I used to feel a bit better when I'm around my nephews, but today I didn't feel well. I can see many changes in me, and I'm not sure if I can handle my life any more. Now I know god isn't there for me or anyone, I see suffering in the world, and I can't tolerate that. I'm not suffering as X, Y or Z is but I know I'm no different than anyone, and I'm subjected to the suffer too and this idea scares me a lot. I ask people why do we have to suffer? and they answer: "this is life". Seriously I'm not okay with this life, I can't understand it, and I don't want to live in a place with no purpose or value. Today someone told me "are you the only who is suffering?", and I said: "yes I'm only a number, everyone is suffering so it's also okay for me to suffer.". I don't agree with this thought and I won't accept suffering just because others suffer too. I know I'm a weak being in compare to the giant life, but I don't know what to do! I have nothing but my weak objection, I can't improve life.. I just can't.

I wanted to CTB, not only because my ex abandoned me.. or people left me behind, but because I feel I can't handle life more. I can't stand life. I might work a bit harder, and get a job, or I might get a man. But this won't help me, if I went to that path, and get married to a man, I'll be ruining another person's life. And no man will marry a woman who doesn't want to have children (at least in my place). I don't want to be the reason for more suffer in this world. When I look forward to my future, I see nothing there but suffer.

I think I have the determination to do whatever I set my mind on but I'm lost. I need to make sure of my decision before getting into it. I don't want to do something impulsively in a moment of anger or frustration. I wrote my thoughts in points:

Continuing living implies:
1. handling noises and stupid human talks every day
2- be ready to fail 100 times to get some money and to make living.
3- living with stupid memories every single day
4- handling depression attacks alone (because no one is there for me)
5- accepting the fact you're no one.
6- accepting life functions.

Possible positive aspects of living:
1. I might be successful in some of my projects.
2. I might be successful in finding something new to help humanity (but who cares?!)

Negative aspects of living:
1. I will probably fail in applying my ideas, and this will make my life worse and worse.
2. failing in other life sides will continue.

How to be successful:
1- I need to work very hard and this is really difficult especially with my depression. I'll probably fail.
2- fighting everyday against depression. and the bad circumstances.

CTB:
1- needs will power to pull this damn soul out of body (it isn't easy at all, it's very scary and disturbing thing to do)
2- saves me from more pointless suffering

I know this website doesn't promote suicide but please share your views on my situation, you may see something I couldn't see from my dark place. I'm sorry I wrote too much but seriously I need help.

 

[S like suicide]

My point of view is that you have to give yourself more time. You feel very bad and I understand that. I know depression very well and dealing with it is really maddening.You are inside a black hole with no way out. But it is highly possible that this moment will pass. Do not act on impulse. You feel tired, angry, lonely and hopeless.It's not your fault, you tried to put in your effort and work hard.The advice I can give you now is to give yourself more time. What is another month at the end? You are hopeless right now and you don't see things clearly. I know because I live more or less the same situation with depression. It is monstrous...
You have to face things hour after hour, day after day, don't ask yourself too many questions ... just do basic things ... eat, sleep, try to take care of yourself for what you can do ... don't push yourself to do too many things or it can be counterproductive. I hope that what I have said will be of some comfort to you. I am close to you dear.<3

---

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Hmmmm.....sounds to me like you want to try to do something to live, but, you just don't know what. Also, isolation can cause these dark thoughts to personify driving you mad. I say if you REALLY want to give life a shot, find a person or group of people to talk to who support you or share your interests. This is the start of you either recovering or realizing you have no desire to. Either way, you never know until you give it a shot.

 

[The Lonely]

Hello friends,

I really need to hear your views regarding my situation. Today I was planning to CTB at night, and suddenly my 6 year old nephew came over, and he wanted to sleep here. He's sleeping now in my room. Of course, I won't kill myself and ruin this kid's life forever. I decided to re-think the whole thing.

I'm going crazy honestly. For a moment, I want to fight. for another moment, I feel so drained and I just want to leave. I'm on/off this life/death thing, I'm going mad. I have no one to turn to. I tried to talk with mum, it didn't help. I tried to talk with an old online friend, he just said "you won't die.. this talk won't help you". I literally have no one to talk to regarding to this. I decided to write this detail post about my situation, and please you help me honestly and kindly. I'm already broken, so don't be so hard on me in the comments.

I have been always a warrior in life. My life circumstances never helped me to achieve what I wanted, but I always insisted on working hard and hard to improve my life. I'm kind, caring and sensitive person, and this made life a hell for me. I tried to be a good person, I helped many, I was so energetic, I was always ready to offer more than I took. This created unbalance in my life. The broken point was when my ex told me that he wants to marry someone else. At that point, all my confidence dropped down, all my projects stopped, even I lost my faith. It isn't because he just left me, but that pulls a series of my life failures. I'm 28 year old woman, never had a regular job, no social achievements, no money.... etc. That failure reminded me of my previous failures. I'm not a social person so you can guess I experienced many embarrassing and bad situations with people. A severe depression episode has been triggered for 6 months now. It's getting worse. Because of what happened to me, I can't trust people any more. I'm isolating myself more and more. No one really texts me now because I'm so down and depressed. I completely dropped my faith. At night, I keep talking with imaginary god blaming him for my situation, and when I realize there is no god to listen, I feel scared and lonely. Now my problem is not only I'm jobless with no lover, but with life itself. I know even if I get the job or the man, I will never be happy. Even I know getting the job or the man will make my situation worse.

Now I'm not okay with life in general. I feel awful whenever I enter my room. I feel awful whenever I hear people talking. I'm not okay with noises. I can't handle any thing related to life. I don't know if you experience this, I see people here enjoying listening to music or watching movies, but I can NOT do this at all. It really annoys me. I hate everything seriously. The normal sounds of life disturbs me. Everything in life is a complete suffering for me. I hate everything around me. Everything makes me scared too. I feel completely scared, and because no one really can hear my pain, I feel more afraid. I'm seeing changes in me; today my nephew was playing with me and he puts his hands around my neck pretending to kill me. In my mind, a thought of suicide pulled in, and how would I feel when I kill myself. It's awful, I don't want to have scary thoughts when I'm with kids. I don't want to turn to such person. I used to feel a bit better when I'm around my nephews, but today I didn't feel well. I can see many changes in me, and I'm not sure if I can handle my life any more. Now I know god isn't there for me or anyone, I see suffering in the world, and I can't tolerate that. I'm not suffering as X, Y or Z is but I know I'm no different than anyone, and I'm subjected to the suffer too and this idea scares me a lot. I ask people why do we have to suffer? and they answer: "this is life". Seriously I'm not okay with this life, I can't understand it, and I don't want to live in a place with no purpose or value. Today someone told me "are you the only who is suffering?", and I said: "yes I'm only a number, everyone is suffering so it's also okay for me to suffer.". I don't agree with this thought and I won't accept suffering just because others suffer too. I know I'm a weak being in compare to the giant life, but I don't know what to do! I have nothing but my weak objection, I can't improve life.. I just can't.

I wanted to CTB, not only because my ex abandoned me.. or people left me behind, but because I feel I can't handle life more. I can't stand life. I might work a bit harder, and get a job, or I might get a man. But this won't help me, if I went to that path, and get married to a man, I'll be ruining another person's life. And no man will marry a woman who doesn't want to have children (at least in my place). I don't want to be the reason for more suffer in this world. When I look forward to my future, I see nothing there but suffer.

I think I have the determination to do whatever I set my mind on but I'm lost. I need to make sure of my decision before getting into it. I don't want to do something impulsively in a moment of anger or frustration. I wrote my thoughts in points:

Continuing living implies:
1. handling noises and stupid human talks every day
2- be ready to fail 100 times to get some money and to make living.
3- living with stupid memories every single day
4- handling depression attacks alone (because no one is there for me)
5- accepting the fact you're no one.
6- accepting life functions.

Possible positive aspects of living:
1. I might be successful in some of my projects.
2. I might be successful in finding something new to help humanity (but who cares?!)

Negative aspects of living:
1. I will probably fail in applying my ideas, and this will make my life worse and worse.
2. failing in other life sides will continue.

How to be successful:
1- I need to work very hard and this is really difficult especially with my depression. I'll probably fail.
2- fighting everyday against depression. and the bad circumstances.

CTB:
1- needs will power to pull this damn soul out of body (it isn't easy at all, it's very scary and disturbing thing to do)
2- saves me from more pointless suffering

I know this website doesn't promote suicide but please share your views on my situation, you may see something I couldn't see from my dark place. I'm sorry I wrote too much but seriously I need help.

See: you are an Sensitive person!
I understand you more than I would wish…
If you want to talk just send me a pm. :) take care girl!

 

[Red]

Bless you honey I feel a lot of what you are saying too - it's difficult to keep slogging on and to experience and witness all the pain and suffering that the world has to offer.

There is a flip side to it all; those random acts of kindness that flash in the never ending dark are so profound to me that it honestly brings me to tears. There is so much beauty in the world, from nature with its glorious flora and fauna to the wonderful things people do for each other, like reaching out from their own darkness to bring light to another…

I know the balance seems incredibly out of whack and there often appears to be far more darkness than light. There are so many shiny people here on SS who still shine on despite the layers of mud the world has thrown at them, yourself included. I live for those twinkly lights wherever I can find them, for without them surely all would be lost!

Like sifting for gold, sometimes those tiny nuggets are worth all the rooting through crap to find. Sometimes it's not and you'd rather just lie down in the dirt!

I don't think I have an "opinion" on this as such, other than that a lot of what you said resonates with me too, so you're not abnormal or broken for feeling this way; you're not alone!

My inbox is always open if you ever need to chat - I'm about 10 years older than you but remember feeling much this way 10 years ago and still identify with it now. Life has progressed in some ways and regressed in others since then and I don't think I'm nearly as useful to society as you sound like you could potentially be lol

I hope that you find a way to get through - we are always here for you

 

[FuneralCry]

In my opinion, it sounds like you are just exhausted by life and I get that, when we experience constant suffering, the desire to leave this world grows. There is only so much we can cope with. I can relate to the noise thing. It still sounds like a part of you wants to live in a way, but I know how hard it can be. I hope things get better for you.

 

[Weary Soul]

Because of my head injuries, bright light and sound are no intolerable, as is the pain I have. I can really related. .

I am sorry you feel that you feel that your future will be difficult. Fact is, life IS hard, but I am not saying this to dissuade you - what about giving it a bit of time?

Ultimately, from living as long as I have, I know that life can change on a dime (both in a good way and in a bad way), and that knowledge has kept me going so far when all signs point to an inveitably and early end. I cannot get doctors to help me, and in fact - they have caused some of the problems I have.

I am sorry, so sorry I cannot really help - but I understand and feel where you are right now. You are a truly a sensitive and thoughtful soul (as I have been told I am), and IMO the world needs more of people like you - and yet at the same time, I am not sure we actually belong here.

Sending you much love and hugs right now - I am sorry you and so many here are struggling. Breals my heart, but I do understand.

<3

 

[Garbage Person]

For what it's worth, you seem great at articulating your feelings and thoughts. You're taking that step back to see the big picture and all of your options instead of opting for a sporadic decision. I'm struggling with things myself so I'm not great at advice right now. I will say that it's incredibly heartwarming to see that your nephew trusts in you. You were able to bring them comfort when they needed it. I know it's not common here to bring up living for the sake of other's, but you're clearly a kind and caring person. Please don't ever see that as a weakness no matter what you hear or read elsewhere (not that you do see yourself that way).

I know that's not really the point of the thread or anything, just hoping you'll see the positive value in yourself when you're down. There are far too many assholes in the world and it'll be a sad day when there aren't people like yourself to provide balance.

 

[nopointofliving]

Update:

I worked hard in the last 6 months, I created new things, they were somehow appreciated by people around me. It was a bit rewarding. However, my struggle is still the same, and I will probably manage to leave in few days. I will learn more about the methods and go by partial handing probably. Let's see how it goes. Wish you all the best. Much love <3

 

[hurricanes]

If you are still with us I agree with those who advise you not to act on impulse. Only act on your choice when you are at peace with it.

Meanwhile, I recommend a dog or if you can't commit to a pet, then start a garden. Even just a few pots indoors. I have African violets on two window sills and it gives me joy to watch them bud and flower. I've killed a few but have three right now. Only one is blooming. They are delicate and easily "upset" but I'm hopeful the other two will bloom soon.

I've also rooted and grown rosemary from cuttings. Start with a cutting in a small glass of water. Scrape the last inch off the outer layer of the stem. Change water every week and watch little roots appear. Also works with mint and basil like the stuff you get in a Pho take out meal.

I hope to work up to a commitment to a dog soon.

 

[timf]

It sounded like when you were younger that you were doing better. After a series of life challenges, things seemed to have narrowed to a sense of hopelessness. it would be nice if you could just become hopeful again, but it may take a while to build a foundation from which hope may be more achievable.

The suggestion by Hurricanes of a pet like a dog has a lot of merit. It can give you an immediate infusion of affection as well as provide a distraction from the gloom that has settled over you. If there is an animal shelter, you might be able to get a dog for free.

You have come to a point of narrowing and a useful tactic to resist this is to "widen". You might start with small steps like watching a favorite movie or reading a favorite book. Each little victory can slowly build momentum for a new life in which you have greater control.