Help I need to vent, I need a friend, I'm not well

[fallingleaves]

I feel like I'm at the bottom of a well.

Should I just do it then? Everything is empty. I'm a nuisance. Can I please just leave? Will I get the partial hanging right? Do I have the balls? Can someone just hold me and tell me that I matter?

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

Just. do. it.

It's great to share support for them but this isn't the way, friend, and is quite dismissive…

 

[wildflowercloud]

I feel like I'm at the bottom of a well.

Should I just do it then? Everything is empty. I'm a nuisance. Can I please just leave? Will I get the partial hanging right? Do I have the balls? Cans someone just hold me and tell me that I matter?

You absolutely matter my friend Things seem incredibly dark for you right now and we're so sorry that you're going through this pain. We can understand that empty feeling, like nothing has colour, and nothing matters anymore, but my friend, the world would not be the same without you and the kindness that you have given to others even in the smallest ways snowball and continue throughout the world, and you deserve that kindness, and you deserve to not feel that empty feeling anymore and to experience the colour in the world again. Ultimately it's up to you what is best for you, but if we can be here and relieve your pain even in a small way, we hope you feel even a little bit of brightness. It's hard being stuck in a well. With that metaphor though, there's light up there. The journey can feel impossible, but just one rock at a time that you climb you get closer to that light. Your suicidal urges and thoughts are valid, and if that's the path that is needed for you, that's your journey and we are pained to know that you are in that place, but no matter what happens we hope you experience freedom and peace from your pain. Sending so much love and safe hugs if wanted

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

I feel like I'm at the bottom of a well.

Should I just do it then? Everything is empty. I'm a nuisance. Can I please just leave? Will I get the partial hanging right? Do I have the balls? Cans someone just hold me and tell me that I matter?

I feel you and am sadly where you are and have been for a very long time, and it's so overwhelming and a struggle because a lot of times, we just need closure and someone to tell us it'll be alright, but it's hard not knowing where to turn and how things will go.

You have a right to leave, lol, why do you think SaSu exists! I'm more concerned about the fact that you may be concerned about all this when you aren't in the right head space for it. Take those feelings and release all emotional energy you have until you're ready and come back and continue doing what you must to prepare but don't think much into it especially telling yourself you're not enough.

I'm tired too, and I equally want the best for you and I

 

[astr4]

nice thing about death and ctb is that it will always be there for you. you don't have to be ready now, it's okay to take your time to make a decision you're 100% confident in. please don't do something impulsive and hurt yourself and cause any more suffering to yourself.

 

[fallingleaves]

I feel you and am sadly where you are and have been for a very long time, and it's so overwhelming and a struggle because a lot of times, we just need closure and someone to tell us it'll be alright, but it's hard not knowing where to turn and how things will go.

You have a right to leave, lol, why do you think SaSu exists! I'm more concerned about the fact that you may be concerned about all this when you aren't in the right head space for it. Take those feelings and release all emotional energy you have until you're ready and come back and continue doing what you must to prepare but don't think much into it especially telling yourself you're not enough.

I'm tired too, and I equally want the best for you and I

Obviously I'm here because I believe people have autonomy over the most fundamental aspect of their existence on this earth: life itself. But yes I'm ambivalent. I'm in a lot of pain. Things keep spiraling and getting worse. I try so hard but I can't seem to stop things from getting out of control. I'm NOT enough. I can't separate my suicidal ideation from these feelings. I'm not sure I can kill myself from a loving place.

You are a child of God. He made you to have a relationship with Him. Nurture that relationship by pouring your heart out to Him in prayer. ACTS prayer formula: adoration, confession, thanksgiving and supplication

Go to YouTube to find classic hymns or praise songs to sing to Him.

Go to a church that teaches the Bible.

"Try everything before you throw everything away."

I don't believe in your god, at least not anywhere close to the way that you believe in him. But I will take your response in good faith. What I want is a relationship with this world. With people. With the beauty of it all, which some call god. I can dabble in Christian rituals because I'm a dabbler. But I'm not going to church. Or if I do it'll be an interesting social experiment. I thought about going to Catholic Xmas eve mass but didn't make it. But no. I'm not a follower of your god. It's more complicated than that for me and I'm not going to indoctrinate myself into a belief system that I think is harmful. Thank you though. I know you're coming from a place of kindness.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

Obviously I'm here because I believe people have autonomy over the most fundamental aspect of their existence on this earth: life itself. But yes I'm ambivalent. I'm in a lot of pain. Things keep spiraling and getting worse. I try so hard but I can't seem to stop things from getting out of control. I'm NOT enough. I can't separate my suicidal ideation from these feelings. I'm not sure I can kill myself from a loving place.

The dumb monkeys outside will never understand they want us to suffer so badly… And that's okay! Sadly, it happens the most after trauma, too. And I know what you mean as things just become worse overtime without any explanation as to why… :(( But that's the thing… you are, but right now, you won't understand what I mean, but I mean in a sense that you aren't pathetic or delusional, because your actions reflect the truth of why you're hurting but your trying and pushing to be able to get where you emotionally need to for your ctb, but being emotionally vulnerable can aid us or put us through more pain and we need to be prepared and ready for our ctb being more resilient and giving into our vulnerabilities without breaking because we may survive it harder and deal with much harder pain because we are so frustrated with our own selves that our mind tends to loose more control and energy than we want for that day :<

And it's not easy to separate suicidal ideation, but it is easy to separate ourselves from our emotions and or thoughts, and take it slow before you know what you can control in your body and soul right now. Because it's okay. And I mean that in a positive way because it makes you have a sense of clarity on why you feel suicidal ideation to begin with : it re-enforces the sadness and loneliness you've had your time spent dealing with it before it became a thought form.

 

[j.rez729]

You are a child of God. He made you to have a relationship with Him. Nurture that relationship by pouring your heart out to Him in prayer. ACTS prayer formula: adoration, confession, thanksgiving and supplication

Go to YouTube to find classic hymns or praise songs to sing to Him.

Go to a church that teaches the Bible.

"Try everything before you throw everything away."

This is such a lie. Religion is such a lie. God is a lie. Call it dismissive, but it's a mass deception and I hate that people unknowingly spread such misinformation. Also, I've reported you as you're clearly here for reasons that break the rules as to who is allowed to join. You're here for the wrong reasons and it breaks the rules.

 

[fallingleaves]

The dumb monkeys outside will never understand they want us to suffer so badly… And that's okay! Sadly, it happens the most after trauma, too. And I know what you mean as things just become worse overtime without any explanation as to why… :(( But that's the thing… you are, but right now, you won't understand what I mean, but I mean in a sense that you aren't pathetic or delusional, because your actions reflect the truth of why you're hurting but your trying and pushing to be able to get where you emotionally need to for your ctb, but being emotionally vulnerable can aid us or put us through more pain and we need to be prepared and ready for our ctb being more resilient and giving into our vulnerabilities without breaking because we may survive it harder and deal with much harder pain because we are so frustrated with our own selves that our mind tends to loose more control and energy than we want for that day :<

And it's not easy to separate suicidal ideation, but it is easy to separate ourselves from our emotions and or thoughts, and take it slow before you know what you can control in your body and soul right now. Because it's okay. And I mean that in a positive way because it makes you have a sense of clarity on why you feel suicidal ideation to begin with : it re-enforces the sadness and loneliness you've had your time spent dealing with it before it became a thought form.

Honestly having a little trouble following this but I think I feel what you're getting at. Look, I don't know if I want to live or die. I've tried so hard to live and I've researched a lot about how to die in the way that I've chosen (as well as many alternatives!). I don't think I'm actually done trying to live. There is probably more "trying to live" still in me. But survival instincts can be tricky. Are my efforts worth anything, or should I start planning my exit? I honestly think my suicide is likely to be impulsive. I'm an emotional person. It's hard to plan this shit rationally and my mind isn't at its best. I still think that's a valid way to exit this world, but it presents more risks. More opportunities to fuck up. I don't know. Maybe I'm still trying to live! I don't know.

 

[sjuultje123]

I feel like I'm at the bottom of a well.

Should I just do it then? Everything is empty. I'm a nuisance. Can I please just leave? Will I get the partial hanging right? Do I have the balls? Can someone just hold me and tell me that I matter?

Ping me if you wanna talk :)

 

[fallingleaves]

Ping me if you wanna talk :)

Please don't be too weird in a bad way

 

[sjuultje123]

Please don't be too weird in a bad way

Oh no was just saying. If you wanna dump

 

[fallingleaves]

Oh no was just saying. If you wanna dump

I pinged you. Dunno if you got it.

 

[sjuultje123]

I pinged you. Dunno if you got it.

I did not get it. Can you try again?

 

[fallingleaves]

I did not get it. Can you try again?

Tried again through a different method. You may message me if it's possible to figure that out.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

Honestly having a little trouble following this but I think I feel what you're getting at. Look, I don't know if I want to live or die. I've tried so hard to live and I've researched a lot about how to die in the way that I've chosen (as well as many alternatives!). I don't think I'm actually done trying to live. There is probably more "trying to live" still in me. But survival instincts can be tricky. Are my efforts worth anything, or should I start planning my exit? I honestly think my suicide is likely to be impulsive. I'm an emotional person. It's hard to plan this shit rationally and my mind isn't at its best. I still think that's a valid way to exit this world, but it presents more risks. More opportunities to fuck up. I don't know. Maybe I'm still trying to live! I don't know.

No, no, we are the same in what I am saying. Sorry… I sadly am not gifted in this department and I equally tried living too, and I know your experiences had made it more harder to feel like you can be attached somewhere to a person who emphasizes greatly with your pain for you to feel safe and protected by someone consciously, but I truly wish to provide I understand where you are going into your space of discomfort and made sure to elaborate how taking it slowly to provide your emotions more prospective to giving your said emotions room to tolerate and breathe in would give you enough time to be mentally prepared without breaking fully for your ctb, because you'll just get injured. You won't be around to stay it if you get caught and will be struggling to plan again in works of where you want to go mentally from emotional mistakes that keeps us more stuck… and it is hard, but think on the ctb… Also, don't worry… I'm deeply emotional myself and deeply empathetic and expressive and why it hurts so much existing as myself because I love being alone but not lonely and I love socializing as an introvert but I feel trapped to deal with abusive people and I almost couldn't plan but I've been around here and have been supported on my plan and kept progressive and changing from being emotionally stable to get through the challenges because people here actually motivates me to be myself and consistent with planning ahead, so take it slowly, prepare, and go home and peace out of this mess

 

[rainwillneverstop]

Somebody's vent thread is not the place to discuss religion, do it elsewhere.

 

[The_Hunter]

Honestly having a little trouble following this but I think I feel what you're getting at. Look, I don't know if I want to live or die. I've tried so hard to live and I've researched a lot about how to die in the way that I've chosen (as well as many alternatives!).

I don't think I'm actually done trying to live. There is probably more "trying to live" still in me. [...]

Power to you! You don't need to be done. You can keep going 'as long as you wish.

Are my efforts worth anything, or should I start planning my exit?

Your efforts matter!! You very clearly feel attached to your own efforts and clearly attach some subconscious value to them; therefore I encourage you to validate yourself that value. Suicide discards all indeed; so if there's anything in you or in your life that you truly value--that weighs against suicide on your decision scale. ... Simply put, if there is anything you want to keep doing, keep doing it!! You do not have to do anything you do not want to.

I honestly think my suicide is likely to be impulsive. I'm an emotional person.

...If you feel your suicide will be impulsive--and not demonstrative of your best reason and soundest justification--then I strongly advise against it. Suicide is a very big decision, and requires utmost conviction and commitment to be a choice at all.

If you feel threatened by the idea of suicide and almost feel you don't really want to, incorporate coping mechanisms into your life that will keep you away from suicide. Listen to music, eat ice cream, try to sleep when very tired, etc. That helps keep you away from attempts that your rational self would not want.

You should act based on your genuine rationality and genuine values; not impulses that you recognize as opposing to what you [really] want.

It's hard to plan this shit rationally and my mind isn't at its best. I still think that's a valid way to exit this world, but it presents more risks. More opportunities to fuck up. I don't know. Maybe I'm still trying to live! I don't know.

Take your time. You have all the time in the world.

You have the right to live (and also the right to leave), as you wish. You needn't force yourself into any way. I encourage you to try and find a quiet, peaceful day in your life--and make an honest decision there, without pressure, without fear. Your efforts matter. Your will of what you want in your life ought to reign supreme over all other fears or passing thoughts. Best of luck. May you find the finest harmony in your consulting with yourself. Take care of yourself, friend.

--Hunter