i need to kill whats inside of me (BPD +)

[Life_and_Death]

something no one from the outside will understand...
maybe its not myself im trying to kill but the disorders inside of me. if it wasnt for them id probably want to live. i try and i try and i try...but that doesnt change who..what i am...

outside people will never get it.. "oh, we'll just fix it. youll be ok. we'll work on."
but you can't, it doesnt work that way.... i try to explain that my brain doesnt just work differently than others, but has physical differences as well... but they dont get it.. "we'll fix it. we'll fix it. we can work on it. ill help you, youre not alone"
JUST KNOCK IT OFF!!!! it doesnt matter what you do....it wont go away......im like a volcano...maybe....just maybe you can get me to lay dormant for a while....but youre always just waiting for that day the volcano wakes up, explodes, and takes everything with it....


i hate whats inside of me so much..... and theres only one way to make it go away...
why cant you understand im just trying to protect you.
just take my fucked up kindness and fuck off...

 

[kelimackie]

yeah I feel you, I just want to no longer be a burden on everyone, to just ease the pain

 

[stillvoices]

I don't know if you're still around but I understand. I have it too. Maybe that's one reason I want to ctb so much. The abandonment issues and all that. Mostly I hide everything inside so I don't hurt anyone else but it's killing me slowly. I've been in therapy and they say it won't go away but that it's manageable. Um...right. As long as they don't feel it or see it it's manageable. I do tell my counselor about suicide stuff and as long as I have no intention at the moment we talk about it and I'm not carted off the hospital. But so far I still drown in suffering. I don't think they get it. But at least I found a counselor that doesn't try to talk me out of it and just says I'm sorry your in so much pain.

 

[Life_and_Death]

As long as they don't feel it or see it it's manageable.

actually it is

 

[KillerIsMe]

me too, BPD sucks.

I don't know if you're still around but I understand. I have it too. Maybe that's one reason I want to ctb so much. The abandonment issues and all that. Mostly I hide everything inside so I don't hurt anyone else but it's killing me slowly. I've been in therapy and they say it won't go away but that it's manageable. Um...right. As long as they don't feel it or see it it's manageable. I do tell my counselor about suicide stuff and as long as I have no intention at the moment we talk about it and I'm not carted off the hospital. But so far I still drown in suffering. I don't think they get it. But at least I found a counselor that doesn't try to talk me out of it and just says I'm sorry your in so much pain.

Do you ever feel bad for seeking supply/attention from your therapist? I do, he doesn't deserve to be kept on edge waiting for someone he cares about to ctb. Every time we do a session I end up having to talk him out of hospitalizing me and I can't imagine how exhausting that might be.

It's not right.

 

[iwantdeath6969]

i have bpd too, it's so hard

 

[stillvoices]

I feel bad that their profession doesn't allow for other view points. Not necessarily that some day I may be gone. I feel bad that they would have put so much effort into helping me though when I feel that inevitably I'd be gone. However the ones who truly listen and can make changes I hope they do so they can find a cure. If it's possible. But really if they are professional they won't get too attached either. I know if you spend years talking to someone that isn't possible to remain detached. You just have to hope something happens to save yourself before the pain is too hard to stay alive. Also therapists have therapists of their own so they can relieve stress. They know their own stress points and they do it in a way that doesn't go into detail about our cases.

 

[Hotsackage]

I know how you feel. My brain is beyond repairable.

 

[lexica]

Psychology fucking sucks.

I was a student of psychology in my bachelors and masters, and I am upset to say that the only point of view they have is to put their dogma in minds of people, on the pretext of 'helping people'.

Like wtf, how can you even help me if you don't even know or want to know what I am going through?

That's the reason why I was bullied so severely in both the courses, just because I have BPD.

And used too.

I hope those assholes get what they deserve, fucking psychologists they gonna be.


I am sure people like my bullies are the reason why so many people get their issues worse after visiting these so-called psychologists in their freaky clinics and hospitals.

And then they claim to help us.

Bah, lick my boots.