Haruka
the most beautiful angel
- Mar 24, 2023
- 168
Hi all,
I'm a student currently at University in the UK who's living away from home. I've been on here for a while now without making an account, though I thought that it would be a better idea to just make one in order to interact with the whole community.
I need to talk about it.
This will sound like a sop story, so if you don't want to read or give any advice please don't bother staying. To start, I was born into a fairly middle-class family. Both sides of my parents have one parent who is a migrant, with my mother being wealthy middle class, my father being working class. They both had good jobs at the time of my birth, so the start of my life was nothing to cry about. Though, not long after did things turn. My mother and I moved to her parents' house after a few months of my birth because of my fathers controlling actions (and he didn't want kids anyway, his mother (my grandmother) wanted grandkids and he was the only option for her to get them). She and me moved back home, and not long after she got pregnant with one of my siblings. So after my first sibling was born, my mother wasn't sure if she wanted any other kids, but my dad pretty much made her - and after this, she gave in and gave birth to twin babies who were born fairly unhealthy but are both are much better today. My mother had always tried to give my siblings and I the best upbringing that she could, but my father was not bothered about us at all. He would come home from work, crack open a beer and watch whatever was on television, whilst my mother slaved away cooking dinner and trying to look after her four kids.
About my health - I was born healthy weight, but growing up I was critically underweight until 12. I had to take various medication to help me use the bathroom and I was in hospital a lot. My father didn't care as much as my mother, though she did whatever she could to help. This resulted in me developing later than other girls my age.
Down the line a little, when I was maybe 5, my parents started to argue. They did argue already, but this was more than before. My mother would complain that her husband would never help her and my father would complain that it was my mother's responsibility and that he did help. This went on for years before they finally separated (not yet divorced at this point). I was around 10 or 11 when they separated, so I was finishing primary school and moving into secondary or high school. My father had moved out but still had keys to the house as he was still paying and it was still partly under his name. I felt so much... freer, after my father had moved out, and my mother was noticeably happier. My father abused my siblings and I in every way possible (except sexually), so our house was a living hell. He beat us black and blue at times and left scars all over us, both physically and mentally, and the mental ones still have not left.
What I did not know was that my father had been cheating on my mother since I was a toddler and that my mother's mother (other grandmother) knew, and she told my mother but my mother did not tell my straight away, guessing because she thought I was too young and so were my other siblings. After my mother got to grips with it, she started to come home from work and drink alcohol. It was whatever she had really but it was mainly wine and vodka. I noticed she would hide it in cupboards and in her bedroom, but I pretended not to notice so she would not feel guilty.
Fast forward to 13, my father is fully gone out of my life and I have put on a lot of weight because of it. My health problems got better on their own once I had reached 12, but I developed BED (binge eating disorder) when my father left which made me gain a lot of weight. My mother did not seem bothered, she was happy that I was now bigger and not as skinny as I had always been, but my weight caused me to hate myself and I ended up quitting all of my sports classes (I was working towards professional dancing, and I quit gym and cheerleading and my athletics group). My mother's drinking got more excessive but she was still functioning.
13-15 are years that I don't want to remember much of but my father came back into my life when I was 15 and claimed part custody of my siblings and I after seeing what a wreck my mother had gotten herself into (she had started to deteriorate and she quit working to stay home and drink). In these years too, most of my mother's family cut her off and as a result also cut me and my siblings off, leaving us with nowhere to turn without getting our mother into trouble.
When I was coming 16, my father got full custody my the court as they deemed my mother 'unfit to care for children'. I hated myself so much and I was so sick of everything at this point. I was picking my sisters up from school everyday and making dinner when we got home so my mother didn't get mad, and dealing with exams, just to be dumped at my abusive fathers house.
The pandemic started when I was 16, and somehow my siblings and I got around to living with our mother during the pandemic. My mother had been in and out of hospital due to her liver failing her since I was probably 14, and she got out literally 2 days before lockdown hit England. I still remember her picking me up from my father's place in the car (it was uninsured too, lol), and feeling fear that somebody would find the uninsured car and take us in, but I was so happy to finally be back with her and my siblings went there after school. My father told us we had to come to his place but his girlfriend (who is much younger than him) was pregnant and she never said it, but she probably just wanted him and her in the house so they could have some peace during her pregnancy. We hate my father's girlfriend so we were fine with that.
I lost a lot of weight during the pandemic. I hated how big I had gotten (I was almost overweight, which isn't that big but I thought I was huge) and I shed like over three stone in a couple of months. My mother was in love with how skinny I was getting again, but throughout the pandemic and lockdown she did abuse my siblings and I, but I was so in love with her that I ignored it and remained with her.
Fast forwards to summer 2020, social services are involved again (they were originally involved 2018-2019) and they make my siblings and myself go to my fathers after his girlfriend gave birth. I don't have the energy to write the whole thing about this out but my mother went into hospital in June 2020 due to her drinking herself to oblivion every day during lockdown and constantly buying more (I was looking after my siblings and I at the age of 16 whilst doing online school, starving myself and trying to fend my father off, which took a huge toll on me), and we had a "family friend" who agreed to remain at home with us until August to look after my siblings and me so we didn't have to go to my fathers. In the end we found out she was actually imprisoned for fraud (she was a known fraudster in the north of England) and she had scammed two of my uncles out of thousands, luckily she didn't touch my mothers money or I would have killed her. I was 17 by the end of summer 2020 so legally I was allowed to remain at home with my mother but my poor siblings had to go to my fathers. They (siblings) would guilt me into staying at my fathers house, but I was not prepared to leave my mother alone at home as she could die any moment - it was honestly a shock that she lived this long.
September 2020, schools reopen and I attend, some days staying at my fathers and some days at my mothers after social services recommend me to and practically force me, but after a while I go against them and stay at my mothers full time again. My mothers mother (other grandmother) passed away at end of the month, and I am a wreck. At this point I had gotten underweight and my mother is in the worst state ever. I effectively dropped out of school for two months before my mother went into hospital for the last time at the end of November 2020. I was forced back to stay with my father now, and had to go back to school full time again.
New Years 2021 and my mother is in rehab. I am phoning her everyday, but not allowed to visit due to lockdown precautions. I am attending school, but another lockdown gets out again so I am back doing school online again. I tell my father that I'm not staying at his house every day, so I stay alone at my mothers at times. My father has never gave a crap about me, he only cared for the child benefits so he had to act like a good father.
I'll explain this after, but my mother unfortunately passed in that February. Life went downhill again, and I was in recovery for my anorexia but I stopped eating again and life didn't have a meaning once again. I don't have any friends due to my depression and introverted personality, so I had nobody to turn to except a few online friends who didn't understand what I was going through. I hate the thought of therapy and I have stayed away from them ever since having a bad experience when I was 16 with one.
Skip to now, a lot has happened and I have been in the hospital for an attempted OD which unfortunately failed. My father is still as abusive and still with his girlfriend. My siblings are abusive and manipulative towards me and I still don't have any IRL friends. The only good thing about me is that I'm skinny due to my ED, and my family and past partners have always said that I was lucky to get both of my parents "good" genes (slim figure, high cheekbones, good teeth, pretty smile, nice smooth skin, beautiful face), but excluding that, I hate myself. Beauty means nothing if you hate yourself and you don't have anything else to live for. I am certain that I have undiagnosed depression and social anxiety, as well as possible bipolar, but I'll look into getting those diagnosed when I'm potentially 20+ and I finish University, if I'm still breathing.
I've missed a lot of information out here which I can cover if anybody has any further questions, and I am very sorry if it was all jumbled around, I was writing this on a whim and I'm pretty sleepy.
Thank you for reading, feel free to comment and I hope you guys have a super good day or night
TLDR; I hate my life due to multiple factors (mainly my father), and I am suicidal, but I wanted to rant since I never have anybody to talk to about these things.
I'm a student currently at University in the UK who's living away from home. I've been on here for a while now without making an account, though I thought that it would be a better idea to just make one in order to interact with the whole community.
I need to talk about it.
This will sound like a sop story, so if you don't want to read or give any advice please don't bother staying. To start, I was born into a fairly middle-class family. Both sides of my parents have one parent who is a migrant, with my mother being wealthy middle class, my father being working class. They both had good jobs at the time of my birth, so the start of my life was nothing to cry about. Though, not long after did things turn. My mother and I moved to her parents' house after a few months of my birth because of my fathers controlling actions (and he didn't want kids anyway, his mother (my grandmother) wanted grandkids and he was the only option for her to get them). She and me moved back home, and not long after she got pregnant with one of my siblings. So after my first sibling was born, my mother wasn't sure if she wanted any other kids, but my dad pretty much made her - and after this, she gave in and gave birth to twin babies who were born fairly unhealthy but are both are much better today. My mother had always tried to give my siblings and I the best upbringing that she could, but my father was not bothered about us at all. He would come home from work, crack open a beer and watch whatever was on television, whilst my mother slaved away cooking dinner and trying to look after her four kids.
About my health - I was born healthy weight, but growing up I was critically underweight until 12. I had to take various medication to help me use the bathroom and I was in hospital a lot. My father didn't care as much as my mother, though she did whatever she could to help. This resulted in me developing later than other girls my age.
Down the line a little, when I was maybe 5, my parents started to argue. They did argue already, but this was more than before. My mother would complain that her husband would never help her and my father would complain that it was my mother's responsibility and that he did help. This went on for years before they finally separated (not yet divorced at this point). I was around 10 or 11 when they separated, so I was finishing primary school and moving into secondary or high school. My father had moved out but still had keys to the house as he was still paying and it was still partly under his name. I felt so much... freer, after my father had moved out, and my mother was noticeably happier. My father abused my siblings and I in every way possible (except sexually), so our house was a living hell. He beat us black and blue at times and left scars all over us, both physically and mentally, and the mental ones still have not left.
What I did not know was that my father had been cheating on my mother since I was a toddler and that my mother's mother (other grandmother) knew, and she told my mother but my mother did not tell my straight away, guessing because she thought I was too young and so were my other siblings. After my mother got to grips with it, she started to come home from work and drink alcohol. It was whatever she had really but it was mainly wine and vodka. I noticed she would hide it in cupboards and in her bedroom, but I pretended not to notice so she would not feel guilty.
Fast forward to 13, my father is fully gone out of my life and I have put on a lot of weight because of it. My health problems got better on their own once I had reached 12, but I developed BED (binge eating disorder) when my father left which made me gain a lot of weight. My mother did not seem bothered, she was happy that I was now bigger and not as skinny as I had always been, but my weight caused me to hate myself and I ended up quitting all of my sports classes (I was working towards professional dancing, and I quit gym and cheerleading and my athletics group). My mother's drinking got more excessive but she was still functioning.
13-15 are years that I don't want to remember much of but my father came back into my life when I was 15 and claimed part custody of my siblings and I after seeing what a wreck my mother had gotten herself into (she had started to deteriorate and she quit working to stay home and drink). In these years too, most of my mother's family cut her off and as a result also cut me and my siblings off, leaving us with nowhere to turn without getting our mother into trouble.
When I was coming 16, my father got full custody my the court as they deemed my mother 'unfit to care for children'. I hated myself so much and I was so sick of everything at this point. I was picking my sisters up from school everyday and making dinner when we got home so my mother didn't get mad, and dealing with exams, just to be dumped at my abusive fathers house.
The pandemic started when I was 16, and somehow my siblings and I got around to living with our mother during the pandemic. My mother had been in and out of hospital due to her liver failing her since I was probably 14, and she got out literally 2 days before lockdown hit England. I still remember her picking me up from my father's place in the car (it was uninsured too, lol), and feeling fear that somebody would find the uninsured car and take us in, but I was so happy to finally be back with her and my siblings went there after school. My father told us we had to come to his place but his girlfriend (who is much younger than him) was pregnant and she never said it, but she probably just wanted him and her in the house so they could have some peace during her pregnancy. We hate my father's girlfriend so we were fine with that.
I lost a lot of weight during the pandemic. I hated how big I had gotten (I was almost overweight, which isn't that big but I thought I was huge) and I shed like over three stone in a couple of months. My mother was in love with how skinny I was getting again, but throughout the pandemic and lockdown she did abuse my siblings and I, but I was so in love with her that I ignored it and remained with her.
Fast forwards to summer 2020, social services are involved again (they were originally involved 2018-2019) and they make my siblings and myself go to my fathers after his girlfriend gave birth. I don't have the energy to write the whole thing about this out but my mother went into hospital in June 2020 due to her drinking herself to oblivion every day during lockdown and constantly buying more (I was looking after my siblings and I at the age of 16 whilst doing online school, starving myself and trying to fend my father off, which took a huge toll on me), and we had a "family friend" who agreed to remain at home with us until August to look after my siblings and me so we didn't have to go to my fathers. In the end we found out she was actually imprisoned for fraud (she was a known fraudster in the north of England) and she had scammed two of my uncles out of thousands, luckily she didn't touch my mothers money or I would have killed her. I was 17 by the end of summer 2020 so legally I was allowed to remain at home with my mother but my poor siblings had to go to my fathers. They (siblings) would guilt me into staying at my fathers house, but I was not prepared to leave my mother alone at home as she could die any moment - it was honestly a shock that she lived this long.
September 2020, schools reopen and I attend, some days staying at my fathers and some days at my mothers after social services recommend me to and practically force me, but after a while I go against them and stay at my mothers full time again. My mothers mother (other grandmother) passed away at end of the month, and I am a wreck. At this point I had gotten underweight and my mother is in the worst state ever. I effectively dropped out of school for two months before my mother went into hospital for the last time at the end of November 2020. I was forced back to stay with my father now, and had to go back to school full time again.
New Years 2021 and my mother is in rehab. I am phoning her everyday, but not allowed to visit due to lockdown precautions. I am attending school, but another lockdown gets out again so I am back doing school online again. I tell my father that I'm not staying at his house every day, so I stay alone at my mothers at times. My father has never gave a crap about me, he only cared for the child benefits so he had to act like a good father.
I'll explain this after, but my mother unfortunately passed in that February. Life went downhill again, and I was in recovery for my anorexia but I stopped eating again and life didn't have a meaning once again. I don't have any friends due to my depression and introverted personality, so I had nobody to turn to except a few online friends who didn't understand what I was going through. I hate the thought of therapy and I have stayed away from them ever since having a bad experience when I was 16 with one.
Skip to now, a lot has happened and I have been in the hospital for an attempted OD which unfortunately failed. My father is still as abusive and still with his girlfriend. My siblings are abusive and manipulative towards me and I still don't have any IRL friends. The only good thing about me is that I'm skinny due to my ED, and my family and past partners have always said that I was lucky to get both of my parents "good" genes (slim figure, high cheekbones, good teeth, pretty smile, nice smooth skin, beautiful face), but excluding that, I hate myself. Beauty means nothing if you hate yourself and you don't have anything else to live for. I am certain that I have undiagnosed depression and social anxiety, as well as possible bipolar, but I'll look into getting those diagnosed when I'm potentially 20+ and I finish University, if I'm still breathing.
I've missed a lot of information out here which I can cover if anybody has any further questions, and I am very sorry if it was all jumbled around, I was writing this on a whim and I'm pretty sleepy.
Thank you for reading, feel free to comment and I hope you guys have a super good day or night
TLDR; I hate my life due to multiple factors (mainly my father), and I am suicidal, but I wanted to rant since I never have anybody to talk to about these things.
