Venting I need to die .....

[Dead_Inside]

I just need to die. I tried. But I can't do this. I obviously won't try therapy. And I guess I am too fucked up to just be ok again.
.... and I don't sleep. I drug myself every night I don't work... otherwise I stay up till the shadows start to move around.....
And my partner is going to leave for a week.
A week alone. I know I am going to hurt myself because I am sick. And I am so tired. Who would want to come home to that shit?
I don't try at all- I drink, I take pills.... I barely eat. I run too much..... my partner is scared. I would be too.
But I hate every day I open my eyes. I suck. I am tired of being this miserable excuse of a human being.
Why didn't anyone kill me? Why didn't life release me...... what the fuck did I do to deserve this?

 

[Broken]

Who would want go come home to that? Your partner clearly thinks your worth it?

 

[Redt2go]

I just need to die. I tried. But I can't do this. I obviously won't try therapy. And I guess I am too fucked up to just be ok again.
.... and I don't sleep. I drug myself every night I don't work... otherwise I stay up till the shadows start to move around.....
And my partner is going to leave for a week.
A week alone. I know I am going to hurt myself because I am sick. And I am so tired. Who would want to come home to that shit?
I don't try at all- I drink, I take pills.... I barely eat. I run too much..... my partner is scared. I would be too.
But I hate every day I open my eyes. I suck. I am tired of being this miserable excuse of a human being.
Why didn't anyone kill me? Why didn't life release me...... what the fuck did I do to deserve this?

Why not try therapy? You and your partner could do it together

 

[Ntothed]

Obviously your partner believes in you, believe in yourself as well. Life is full of hardships, keep plugging, there's always light on the other side of the tunnel.

 

[Dead_Inside]

Why not try therapy? You and your partner could do it together

I don't even know what I am supposed to say to a therapist.
I want to not be this crazy piece of shit every day - but fuck. I think it's too late....
I wish the best life for my partner- they got the bad luck of being with me and they are such a nice person. Hope they find someone who is more like them after I die.

Sorry. You can ignore me. I get sad and drunk and post shit I shouldn't.

 

[JustAboutDone]

I don't even know what I am supposed to say to a therapist.
I want to not be this crazy piece of shit every day - but fuck. I think it's too late....
I wish the best life for my partner- they got the bad luck of being with me and they are such a nice person. Hope they find someone who is more like them after I die.

Sorry. You can ignore me. I get sad and drunk and post shit I shouldn't.

Hey dead-inside,
Your partner obviously sees something worthwhile in you and loves you :-)
As for what you would say to a therapist, they tend to ask a few questions and establish what they can do for you and then work to fix whatever issues are making your life really difficult (don't say "everything!")

Some people find it really helpful - some don't, but it might be worth a try for your partner? I don't know. What do you reckon? X

 

[Redt2go]

I don't even know what I am supposed to say to a therapist.
I want to not be this crazy piece of shit every day - but fuck. I think it's too late....
I wish the best life for my partner- they got the bad luck of being with me and they are such a nice person. Hope they find someone who is more like them after I die.

Sorry. You can ignore me. I get sad and drunk and post shit I shouldn't.

They usually know what to say. The first time I went I just cried and then she helped me through everything. I've learned a lot. They know how to guide these conversations. I think a partner is worth living for if you love them. A connection like that is rare and they will struggle to find someone like you as well

 

[Redt2go]

I

They usually know what to say. The first time I went I just cried and then she helped me through everything. I've learned a lot. They know how to guide these conversations. I think a partner is worth living for if you love them. A connection like that is rare and they will struggle to find someone like you as well

If you want to feel better and help yourself they can help you with that

 

[JustAboutDone]

They usually know what to say. The first time I went I just cried and then she helped me through everything. I've learned a lot. They know how to guide these conversations. I think a partner is worth living for if you love them. A connection like that is rare and they will struggle to find someone like you as well

You put that so much better than I could, thank you x

 

[Dead_Inside]

I want it to be just like each of you have said. But .... I have bad PTSD. It makes going into a room with a therapist hard - because I am nervous...I need to know how to get out- and I have to be able to get out. I know that makes me crazy. And I won't tell them anything anyway. I can't. It's been a bad life and I don't trust people I don't know..... and there is shit I haven't told even my partner.

As far as my partner is concerned....I know they love me. And I am grateful. But we came to the relationship in a way that made us both not so happy. They need some one to take care of them and I was just too young to realize they wanted a deeper level of commitment than I had ever engaged in. They are older than me- and I had never been in a long term committed relationship before. It's caused some problems. Which just kind of piles on the "please let me just die stack". I want to be good to them- and I am in the best way I understand how to be. But they need so much more than I am capable of.... I don't think am able to live for someone else. That makes me feel so bad to say. But if I can't learn to love me.... how could I be ok for anyone else? Their love doesn't make me stop trying to kill myself..... and I don't know why.
But I guess I just wanted to be *loved*. And not because I could be of some use or someone enjoyed having sex with me ... I don't want that kind of love.

See? How do you take this shit to a therapist? I can't let them take me to the hospital- so I can't trust them to help me.

 

[Redt2go]

I want it to be just like each of you have said. But .... I have bad PTSD. It makes going into a room with a therapist hard - because I am nervous...I need to know how to get out- and I have to be able to get out. I know that makes me crazy. And I won't tell them anything anyway. I can't. It's been a bad life and I don't trust people I don't know..... and there is shit I haven't told even my partner.

As far as my partner is concerned....I know they love me. And I am grateful. But we came to the relationship in a way that made us both not so happy. They need some one to take care of them and I was just too young to realize they wanted a deeper level of commitment than I had ever engaged in. They are older than me- and I had never been in a long term committed relationship before. It's caused some problems. Which just kind of piles on the "please let me just die stack". I want to be good to them- and I am in the best way I understand how to be. But they need so much more than I am capable of.... I don't think am able to live for someone else. That makes me feel so bad to say. But if I can't learn to love me.... how could I be ok for anyone else? Their love doesn't make me stop trying to kill myself..... and I don't know why.
But I guess I just wanted to be *loved*. And not because I could be of some use or someone enjoyed having sex with me ... I don't want that kind of love.

See? How do you take this shit to a therapist? I can't let them take me to the hospital- so I can't trust them to help me.

They will only force you to a hospital if you have a plan to kill yourself. Maybe online counseling? Also venting to the suicide helpline helped me when I was in crisis I just always tell them I don't have a plan to kill myself and they don't call the cops on me. You're not a bad person for not wanting to live for someone else either