
oziinnz
Member
- Mar 23, 2022
- 54
I'll start by saying I'm certain that ctb is what I'm going to do.
The urgency is getting more and more every day. My sister ender her life 3 months ago, I cannot live this life anymore knowing she's gone and the grief and guilt is unbearable. I have nothing else going in my life anyway but I was getting by before she died because she was alive and everything was OK if she was OK.
But now every time I want to do it the guilt of putting my mum through the loss of another child and her last child alive starts to make me feel paralysed. To see another daughter cold and dead, to see me in a casket, to hold another funeral. I know in the long run she will manage she is tough and the last person to ever consider ctb herself. I wish so bad there was a way I could just vanish and not leave her with my body and practical arrangements to take care of.
I feel like I'm stuck in a nightmare. It feels like the same day over and over again. I just want to be able to do it already without thinking of her and if ppl will give her weird looks or accuse her of not taking action with me when I have told her about being suicidal, it's been in a way thats almost wanting her to have the option to come with me but I think she thinks it's bad humour at the horror situation we're in and that I'd never do it, but I wanted her to have a small amount of preparedness but by mentioning it I'll probably worsen her guilt when it actually happens.
It's almost like I expect her to understand and accept it given the circumstance but I can't expect that from her. Of course she'd never be ok with it.
But I'm 31 and my sis 34. Old enough to be responsible of our lives it has nothing to do with her if anyone tries to point thr blame.
It's just made harder since I am living with her back in my home country since sisters passing and I think seeing her every day makes the guilt worse.
I don't want to do it in her house but then if suspension hanging the other options are a public deserted place or a hotel or something.
I'm just hating every minute of this reality and it angers me I'm left with feeling so responsible and guilty after my sister checked out. It makes what I'm doing so much worse but it's the reason I'm doing it.
The urgency is getting more and more every day. My sister ender her life 3 months ago, I cannot live this life anymore knowing she's gone and the grief and guilt is unbearable. I have nothing else going in my life anyway but I was getting by before she died because she was alive and everything was OK if she was OK.
But now every time I want to do it the guilt of putting my mum through the loss of another child and her last child alive starts to make me feel paralysed. To see another daughter cold and dead, to see me in a casket, to hold another funeral. I know in the long run she will manage she is tough and the last person to ever consider ctb herself. I wish so bad there was a way I could just vanish and not leave her with my body and practical arrangements to take care of.
I feel like I'm stuck in a nightmare. It feels like the same day over and over again. I just want to be able to do it already without thinking of her and if ppl will give her weird looks or accuse her of not taking action with me when I have told her about being suicidal, it's been in a way thats almost wanting her to have the option to come with me but I think she thinks it's bad humour at the horror situation we're in and that I'd never do it, but I wanted her to have a small amount of preparedness but by mentioning it I'll probably worsen her guilt when it actually happens.
It's almost like I expect her to understand and accept it given the circumstance but I can't expect that from her. Of course she'd never be ok with it.
But I'm 31 and my sis 34. Old enough to be responsible of our lives it has nothing to do with her if anyone tries to point thr blame.
It's just made harder since I am living with her back in my home country since sisters passing and I think seeing her every day makes the guilt worse.
I don't want to do it in her house but then if suspension hanging the other options are a public deserted place or a hotel or something.
I'm just hating every minute of this reality and it angers me I'm left with feeling so responsible and guilty after my sister checked out. It makes what I'm doing so much worse but it's the reason I'm doing it.