• ⚠️ UK Access Block Notice: Beginning July 1, 2025, this site will no longer be accessible from the United Kingdom. This is a voluntary decision made by the site's administrators. We were not forced or ordered to implement this block. If you're located in the UK, we recommend using a VPN to maintain access.

oziinnz

oziinnz

Member
Mar 23, 2022
54
I'll start by saying I'm certain that ctb is what I'm going to do.
The urgency is getting more and more every day. My sister ender her life 3 months ago, I cannot live this life anymore knowing she's gone and the grief and guilt is unbearable. I have nothing else going in my life anyway but I was getting by before she died because she was alive and everything was OK if she was OK.
But now every time I want to do it the guilt of putting my mum through the loss of another child and her last child alive starts to make me feel paralysed. To see another daughter cold and dead, to see me in a casket, to hold another funeral. I know in the long run she will manage she is tough and the last person to ever consider ctb herself. I wish so bad there was a way I could just vanish and not leave her with my body and practical arrangements to take care of.
I feel like I'm stuck in a nightmare. It feels like the same day over and over again. I just want to be able to do it already without thinking of her and if ppl will give her weird looks or accuse her of not taking action with me when I have told her about being suicidal, it's been in a way thats almost wanting her to have the option to come with me but I think she thinks it's bad humour at the horror situation we're in and that I'd never do it, but I wanted her to have a small amount of preparedness but by mentioning it I'll probably worsen her guilt when it actually happens.
It's almost like I expect her to understand and accept it given the circumstance but I can't expect that from her. Of course she'd never be ok with it.
But I'm 31 and my sis 34. Old enough to be responsible of our lives it has nothing to do with her if anyone tries to point thr blame.
It's just made harder since I am living with her back in my home country since sisters passing and I think seeing her every day makes the guilt worse.
I don't want to do it in her house but then if suspension hanging the other options are a public deserted place or a hotel or something.
I'm just hating every minute of this reality and it angers me I'm left with feeling so responsible and guilty after my sister checked out. It makes what I'm doing so much worse but it's the reason I'm doing it.
 
  • Hugs
  • Aww..
Reactions: sharky and Al_stargate
Al_stargate

Al_stargate

I was once a pretty angel
Mar 4, 2022
747
Sorry about your situation. I don't know your personal issues or what you're going through so can't give you any word of advice. But suicide is a drastic decision, don't do it just because you feel down temporarily. I'm in a similar situation, in that my parents will stay behind but I'm not very close with them, despite living in the same house. I get that in the end you can't live for others. You probably considered your mother's position after, does she have anybody. Not sure what to tell you, if you want to talk to someone you can message me.
 
  • Like
Reactions: oziinnz
sharky

sharky

Lost
Dec 15, 2021
283
that sounds horrible. yes she may seem tough, but losing 2 kids by suicide must be devastating. I'd feel the same way as you. But in the end you have to do what is best for you, it's unfortunate but unavoidable I guess. What you should do is give her lots of love and have a good time with her as long as you can manage. Give her some last good memories with you.
 
  • Like
Reactions: oziinnz, Zebedee and VoidDesirer22
S

SubZero

Member
Feb 8, 2022
98
I am sorry to hear about your sister. It must be really difficult situation, I cannot imagine.

I do not know why you are feeling guilty, but please don't. I dont know the particular circumstances and not urging you to share them. However, as you said you are old enough responsible for your own lives. So was your sister. Please give yourself some time man. Think this through. If you are relatively healthy, have a good job, hold ctb for now. Give time chance to clear your mind and heal the wounds. Yes, it would be damn difficult but not impossible. You have your mother supporting your back, so you are already a rich person. Please don't go. Give life another chance.

Your sister is at a better place and she will be waiting for you there. You will see her again, just please don't do this yet.
 
  • Like
Reactions: oziinnz
VoidDesirer22

VoidDesirer22

A dream inside a locked room
Sep 6, 2021
673
Damn it really is easier to be the first one to go... to shatter the peace. I feel for you having to make your decision amongst the high emotions of your sister who ctb'd before you.
 
  • Like
Reactions: oziinnz
FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
43,825
I'm sorry that you are suffering so much, loss can be very devastating and painful. I know that it can be hard to carry on when you cannot take anymore of this life. I can imagine that it must be so unbearable what you are going through. I wish you the best in whatever happens.
 
  • Like
Reactions: oziinnz