TearStainedSunsets
The sickness that will never be cured...spreads
- Oct 27, 2024
- 46
So, I have posted here plenty of times so far in the past year or so but I just need to post again I guess. I've been thinking about offing myself for a while and I honestly am just so scared about it.
For a little background, I was raised Christian. I am now a Satanist (not a devil worshipper!!!!) so I don't believe in the afterlife. In my core beliefs, God isn't real, hell and heaven are not real and there is nothing after death. But I can't shake the feeling that, now that it's really coming to it, that I might be wrong.
What is the christians and catholics and all the other theistic religions were right and I'm going to be tortured after I die for what I've done during my life? What if being a satanist is actually damming me like all the religious people around me have said it has and I am actually better off living?
The whole point og me ctbing is to get away from all the pain, so theres no point in ctbing if its just going to be more pain on the other side.
On top of all that, I'm terrified of failing. What if the method I choose just...dosen't work for whatever reason? What if, despite all my efforts to make sure it works and all my efforts studying the method and everything that I somehow survive? And not to mention SI. What if I'm on the brink of death and suddenly, SI kicks in harder than before and I can't hold it back anymore and I save myself? What do I even do then? I know there are methods that don't allow time for SI like firearms and such but I don't have access to those methods.
I just feel like I'm at a stand still with everything right now and then on top of everything. theres suddenly hope for me right now. I have the opportunity to change things and get better right now but I'm so fucking tired of trying and trying and never having anything to show for it. I'm tired of everything but the opportunities and I'm tired of working. I'm tired of this fucking life but I'm so fucking scared of losing the little bit of good that I do have.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I just fucking ctb and get this shit over with? I really do fucking mean it when I say that I can't keep fucking living and the stupid opportunity for school and shit isnt worth all the other bullshit that I have to go through daily. I want to fucking die. I really do...But I;m just terrified that after death might just be worse than this....
Is there any way to get over that?
For a little background, I was raised Christian. I am now a Satanist (not a devil worshipper!!!!) so I don't believe in the afterlife. In my core beliefs, God isn't real, hell and heaven are not real and there is nothing after death. But I can't shake the feeling that, now that it's really coming to it, that I might be wrong.
What is the christians and catholics and all the other theistic religions were right and I'm going to be tortured after I die for what I've done during my life? What if being a satanist is actually damming me like all the religious people around me have said it has and I am actually better off living?
The whole point og me ctbing is to get away from all the pain, so theres no point in ctbing if its just going to be more pain on the other side.
On top of all that, I'm terrified of failing. What if the method I choose just...dosen't work for whatever reason? What if, despite all my efforts to make sure it works and all my efforts studying the method and everything that I somehow survive? And not to mention SI. What if I'm on the brink of death and suddenly, SI kicks in harder than before and I can't hold it back anymore and I save myself? What do I even do then? I know there are methods that don't allow time for SI like firearms and such but I don't have access to those methods.
I just feel like I'm at a stand still with everything right now and then on top of everything. theres suddenly hope for me right now. I have the opportunity to change things and get better right now but I'm so fucking tired of trying and trying and never having anything to show for it. I'm tired of everything but the opportunities and I'm tired of working. I'm tired of this fucking life but I'm so fucking scared of losing the little bit of good that I do have.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I just fucking ctb and get this shit over with? I really do fucking mean it when I say that I can't keep fucking living and the stupid opportunity for school and shit isnt worth all the other bullshit that I have to go through daily. I want to fucking die. I really do...But I;m just terrified that after death might just be worse than this....
Is there any way to get over that?
