Story I need to CTB, both because I deserve it, and so that my mother can finally be at peace again after almost 20 years

[thatworthlessmale04]

Long story short, my mother and father only got married because my mother got pregnant with me. They got married in December of '03, a few months before I was born. I was born early the next year, and that's when problems in both of my parent's lives went downhill. My father abandoned my family when I was a toddler, and my mother had to become a hard-working single mother who worked extremely stressful nightly jobs at corporate places in order to homeschool me throughout elementary school. Her health (mentally mostly) suffered greatly due to this, and as a result, my mother's family highly resents my father for making her suffer. He wasn't paying child support, and he got sent off to jail as a result. Not only did this fall on her (and him), but this fell on me too. I missed out on a potentially fulfilling childhood as well. When I got to high school, the kids there already knew each other for years, and I was the outsider. It really sucked, especially with me being an only child who is emotionally too sensitive, and who is also not able to take jokes well. Not only that, but I gave my mother a horrific attitude as a teenager, which made her even more stressed. She brought her male best friend in to straighten me out, and throughout that process, my depression started. I deserve it to be honest. Also, my mother and father are still legally married even after almost 20 years of being separated from each other. I think all of us are just getting tired of everything, and I feel like it's not going to fully go away unless I take matters into my own hands. So, that's the story of why I need to CTB, so to speak. (P.S., I know I said long story short at the beginning, I'm sorry about that lol.)

 

[dialogos]

You're blaming yourself for what happened?
It's mostly your Dad's fault.
Yore thinking if you die, it would be better for your mom?
Hell no! After all her hardworking and sacrifice, she'll wail and Cry hard after you CTB.
She might even blame herself, be so depressed and do bad things to herself like alcohol
Or drugs or even CTB herself.
You're not perfect, nobody is.
What's important is you did acknowledge that.
So much so you're willing to do something about it.
Now instead of CTB, did you think of anything else to fix you're family's problems?
Like hugging your Mom and say "I'm sorry life didn't treat you well, is there anything I can do to make it better?"