Venting I need to be abused until i'm good

[Homulily]

I keep making so many mistakes all the time, theres so much wrong with me I hate everything about me.
I hate that i'm mentally disabled, I hate that I keep eating when I know I need to stop eating so i can fix myself theres so much wrong with me I need to be abused, I need to be abused lots and lots and lots I hate my brain I hate myself I get angry at myself when people show kindness to me because I don't deserve kindness I deserve to be hurt lots and lots and lots and lots and lots!!!!!!!
I've been abused a lot before by previous romantic partners and I'm really really really happy they did!!!! They taught me I deserve to be abused they taught me whats wrong with me they taught me that I shouldn't be allowed to make mistakes, if I make mistakes I bother people and I don't want to bother people I don't want to upset people I want to make people happy! everyone is already suffering so much, I don't want to be an additional source of that suffering but theres so many things wrong about me so the only way I can make people happy is if I get abused! I need to be threatened with my biggest fears happening again, I need to have my traumas mocked I need to be pushed further down and further down, or even better I should just ctb, I know people would be happy then, I know I can make people happy that way I like thinking about and fantasizing about everyone I loved and all my exs being really happy that i'm dead. but I don't think i've suffered enough I need to suffer more and more for how much i've hurt people, I didn't mean to hurt people but it still happened i still hurt and bothered people worst of all I bothered and hurt the people who showed me kindness and love and affection because im stupid, because im fucking stupid I didn't mean to I just wanted to make them happy, but I never worked hard enough to do that I should of lost more weight and fixed myself better and I should of told them they could hurt me if I made a mistake or if they were mad at me
one of my exs got mad at me lots and lots and lots because I kept making mistakes when i tried to be a good girlfriend for her, I tried to be good I tried to make her happy but theres so many things wrong with me that I need to fix, I hate my brain I hate my brain so much I hate that I think wrong, I think the wrong things I say the wrong things I do the wrong things, I don't know what the right things to do are but thats not an excuse if I wasn't fucking stupid then I would know the right things to do and say to make people happy but I dont! I don't because Im fucking stupid!

 

[Homulily]

I'm so offended by reading this that as compensation I hope you have a genuinely horrifically good day. After the inconvenience you just caused me it's the least you can do. In all seriousness though I'm sorry you're feeling this way and I hope you find some peace

sorry, i can delete the post if you'd like

 

[HAL 9000]

If you could perceive yourself from an outside POV you might see qualities in yourself that has been buried by your psyche. I can just tell by this one post that you have a sense of compassion that's becoming a exceedingly rare. To live is to hurt others. No matter what actions you could have taken it is impossible to avoid hurting those around you. As Arthur Schopenhauer put it, finding the optimal distance between people is how they avoid harming each other too much. To live is to fail as well. I don't want to delve too deep into this, but it saddens me that you attribute your disability to being indictive of a fault in your personality. You are merely doing the best you can.

 

[Homulily]

If you could perceive yourself from an outside POV you might see qualities in yourself that has been buried by your psyche. I can just tell by this one post that you have a sense of compassion that's becoming a exceedingly rare. To live is to hurt others. No matter what actions you could have taken it is impossible to avoid hurting those around you. As Arthur Schopenhauer put it, finding the optimal distance between people is how they avoid harming each other too much. To live is to fail as well. I don't want to delve too deep into this, but it saddens me that you attribute your disability to being indictive of a fault in your personality. You are merely doing the best you can.

i dont want to hurt other people, i just want to make people happy and make people smile...i dont mind if other people hurt me though if that would make them happy!!! ii dont want to be selfish im trying really hard to be a good person and a good friend to people but i keep messing up and saying the wrong things and doing the wrong things or forgetting things even when I try not to forget or to do the wrong things. and then i see happy couples and i just... i tried so hard to be good and i tried so hard to make my partner happy with me when i was dating someone last, I fixed a few of my problems and i learned to control myself around her when we talked but sometimes I couldn't help myself I got to excited about something or i wanted to tell her about something that happened because im selfish
i think that my disability is a bad thing and pushes people away from me even when im trying to be good and make friends with them but my brain is bad, and I keep saying the wrong things or I talk about hyperfixations because im excited, I should be hit when I get excited. I want to be good so i've learned to punish myself when I act wrong or annoying and I hit myself now if i get too excited or i catch myself about to talk about stuff I like! im working really hard to fix lots of the problems that make people want to leave me, and trying to fix the things that make me bad to be around

 

[ikadasui]

sorry, i can delete the post if you'd like

No, I was trying to be lighthearted but it was inappropriate. Apologies and I still do hope you have a decent day at any rate

 

[saddestbunny]

I know how u feel, at least U made one human feel better today

hope u find peace