anopenwound
I̸'̷m̵ ̸g̶o̷i̶n̵g̷ ̶h̵o̶m̶e̶.̵
- Jul 27, 2024
- 116
Hi all.
I started this year looking into psych wards in my country. Not to say that the year started horribly; it really didn't. But knowing myself and knowing that there was more than a few chances for things to go south, I decided to plan ahead. If I get to the point I dread, I'll get myself admitted. However, I'm not there yet - I'm at what feels like the beginning of a long journey that will bring me there. I'll explain myself better.
At the end of last year I imagined that at some point in 2025 my company could go through some turmoil that could result in me getting fired. I'm not fired yet, but my department got informed that it's a possibility that one of us will have to go. There's six of us. There's a good chance it could happen to me.
2024 was probably the worst year of my life. I don't want 2025 to beat 2024. If I lose my job I'll get another one - I'm lucky enough to have a safety net. But my BPD is acting up, like crazy. I feel like a failure.
I think of the people that wronged me that made it in life. I think about those who are still secure in their positions. I think about those who are way more successful than me and I think, why do I keep going? It doesn't make any sense. You know how little chances I got to have a career in my field? And yet there's people I gave my everything to and they made it and they left. They are loved and they left. They got a house, a job and a partner and they left. And I'm here man, I'm here - looking at psych wards stays in case everything goes wrong. And I look at what seems to be the beginning of the end and I can't help thinking, why am I still here? What's the point? Why do I try?
I'm just exhausted of always losing. I did lose, on all accounts. I lost people, I lost family support, I'm about to lose my job. If being good at what I do was a competition I'd be losing to. I don't exactly make anything that seems that remarkable to the people in my life. But I try, believe me, I try all the time. I got sick and I still worked. I go home from work and I keep working. And it doesn't do me any favors. I might get fired in a second. So much for all these efforts.
This world is so unbelievably cruel. Someone I tried my best to help succeeded in all the ways I don't and can't. And I'm so braindead with BPD, I even think there should be balance in this world. Why would I? Palestinians are dying and so is their country. Hundreds of millions die of hunger all the time. There's war. There's poverty. And here I am thinking everything is so unfair 'cause I can't win capitalism.
On a day like this my mother decides to let me know she's angry at me 'cause I don't call her enough. Let alone the fact that she's no support, that she doesn't accept me (I'm trans and queer), that she's abused me; I decided to still talk to her exclusively to make sure she doesn't do anything stupid. I tell her that I wished her happy new year and she didn't answer and if I was like her I would have gotten angry, but I didn't, 'cause I understand people have their own lives; she then tells me she didn't answer me 'cause from the tone of my message it was clear I was mocking her.
I'm in disbelief. I just wrote "happy new year!". I have no idea why she would think that.
This is my mom. She should love me. She doesn't. She wants shit from me. That's all. Everybody else in my family is fucked up or hateful. Yeah, way more than she is.
Look, I powered through 2024. Everybody went to the dogs and I'm still here. I did everything in my power to survive, and I did. I got to 2025. And now this?
I don't know what I did to deserve this misfortune streak, but I'm tired man, I'm tired of trying. The fuck should I do now? How the fuck do I get rid of this feeling that is still here, that has been here all my life, that I can't win, that I can't do anything right, that no matter what I do I'll never belong and nobody will ever love me?
'Cause they all left. I did everything I could to make them happy and they left. I know how it is - I know attaching in the way I do has its own shortcomings and I also hurt them. But jesus christ. This is too much. I just wanna be happy too. I just wanna be normal. I just wanna be ok.
For the love of god please, I just want a chance to get better. I just want the minimum of stability to go to group therapy that the state is giving me for free, to work on this, to get better, to be good. Please. I don't even know who I'm begging. In a world like this? While everybody is dying? Am I selfish or just stupid?
Still please, any advice, any help at all would do. I'm tired man. I'm so fucking tired of always working and trying so much. I just wanna sleep and not wake up.
I started this year looking into psych wards in my country. Not to say that the year started horribly; it really didn't. But knowing myself and knowing that there was more than a few chances for things to go south, I decided to plan ahead. If I get to the point I dread, I'll get myself admitted. However, I'm not there yet - I'm at what feels like the beginning of a long journey that will bring me there. I'll explain myself better.
At the end of last year I imagined that at some point in 2025 my company could go through some turmoil that could result in me getting fired. I'm not fired yet, but my department got informed that it's a possibility that one of us will have to go. There's six of us. There's a good chance it could happen to me.
2024 was probably the worst year of my life. I don't want 2025 to beat 2024. If I lose my job I'll get another one - I'm lucky enough to have a safety net. But my BPD is acting up, like crazy. I feel like a failure.
I think of the people that wronged me that made it in life. I think about those who are still secure in their positions. I think about those who are way more successful than me and I think, why do I keep going? It doesn't make any sense. You know how little chances I got to have a career in my field? And yet there's people I gave my everything to and they made it and they left. They are loved and they left. They got a house, a job and a partner and they left. And I'm here man, I'm here - looking at psych wards stays in case everything goes wrong. And I look at what seems to be the beginning of the end and I can't help thinking, why am I still here? What's the point? Why do I try?
I'm just exhausted of always losing. I did lose, on all accounts. I lost people, I lost family support, I'm about to lose my job. If being good at what I do was a competition I'd be losing to. I don't exactly make anything that seems that remarkable to the people in my life. But I try, believe me, I try all the time. I got sick and I still worked. I go home from work and I keep working. And it doesn't do me any favors. I might get fired in a second. So much for all these efforts.
This world is so unbelievably cruel. Someone I tried my best to help succeeded in all the ways I don't and can't. And I'm so braindead with BPD, I even think there should be balance in this world. Why would I? Palestinians are dying and so is their country. Hundreds of millions die of hunger all the time. There's war. There's poverty. And here I am thinking everything is so unfair 'cause I can't win capitalism.
On a day like this my mother decides to let me know she's angry at me 'cause I don't call her enough. Let alone the fact that she's no support, that she doesn't accept me (I'm trans and queer), that she's abused me; I decided to still talk to her exclusively to make sure she doesn't do anything stupid. I tell her that I wished her happy new year and she didn't answer and if I was like her I would have gotten angry, but I didn't, 'cause I understand people have their own lives; she then tells me she didn't answer me 'cause from the tone of my message it was clear I was mocking her.
I'm in disbelief. I just wrote "happy new year!". I have no idea why she would think that.
This is my mom. She should love me. She doesn't. She wants shit from me. That's all. Everybody else in my family is fucked up or hateful. Yeah, way more than she is.
Look, I powered through 2024. Everybody went to the dogs and I'm still here. I did everything in my power to survive, and I did. I got to 2025. And now this?
I don't know what I did to deserve this misfortune streak, but I'm tired man, I'm tired of trying. The fuck should I do now? How the fuck do I get rid of this feeling that is still here, that has been here all my life, that I can't win, that I can't do anything right, that no matter what I do I'll never belong and nobody will ever love me?
'Cause they all left. I did everything I could to make them happy and they left. I know how it is - I know attaching in the way I do has its own shortcomings and I also hurt them. But jesus christ. This is too much. I just wanna be happy too. I just wanna be normal. I just wanna be ok.
For the love of god please, I just want a chance to get better. I just want the minimum of stability to go to group therapy that the state is giving me for free, to work on this, to get better, to be good. Please. I don't even know who I'm begging. In a world like this? While everybody is dying? Am I selfish or just stupid?
Still please, any advice, any help at all would do. I'm tired man. I'm so fucking tired of always working and trying so much. I just wanna sleep and not wake up.
