Thank you for the subreddit. I will Check it out.that would help a lot.
I've written, rewritten, and written this note over and over again. I've run it through my mind, debating what I could.. what i should say. I've fought, argued and cried all by myself (as usual) over the contents of the note and mused over whether its even worth it. In my most desperate of moments, the answer is a resounding no. My mind and body become infested with this overwhelming need to die. Its been like this since I was 8 years old. That's the first time I tried to end my life actually. You all know the story by now. It seemed nobody believed me and nobody was actually helping me so in my mind, I called back to a time where (my memory is shaky here so please forgive me if it's not entirely accurate) my brother and I had visited what I believe to be either Gettysburg or some sort of slave museum. I distinctly remember the intricate ways the rope that held their heads were tied, and after another thorough beating, i decided this was it. I had had enough. Nothing was going to change. I rummaged around my room and searched for a rope of sorts and when I found it, I picked it up, hobbled on top of my bed, and tied that object around the ceiling fan into the shape of a noose. As I was about to step in, you barged in and I tore it down hoping you didn't see it. I didnt try again. I "endured" my beatings until you fought to get me out. It took years, but you did it mama and for that, I'll always be grateful. For the first time, I felt I was safe. You provided me with light when I felt so utterly empty. You provided me with genuine laughter when I hated myself. I still remember the days where you would get angry and your southern drawl would come out. My face would etch into a barely there grin and when you glanced over, your anger would dissipate and we would collapse with laughter and in those moments, I truly felt happy. You were my savior. You were my best friend. You were my MOM. Even now I wish you were enough. I wish I could live in just those moments. Unfortunately,
I can't.
At 11 or 12, I tried again. At 15, I cut. At 19 i researched. At 20, I tested. At 21 I never changed my mind. I used to say I thought I would die by a car crash and at 19 years old, i knew that not to be true. I would die, by my own hand. I would die by suicide. It was inevitable. There is no hope for people like me. I could prance around and pretend to be a martyr but I'm not. There will be a few people affected by my death, I'm not deluded enough to think that nobody cares about me. Sean adores me (sometimes). My sister loves me as well as my brother. You would die for me if you could. You keep telling me to never give up and to that, I have two lines of lyrics for you:
"Mama said its gonna be alright but mama dont know what its like in my mind.
Mama said the sun gonna shine, but mama dont know what its like to wanna die"
I cant carry this anymore. I've stayed alive for you for so long. You've kept me and been my reason for staying for so many years. Just you mama. Nothing but you. I'm drowning again though and I've lived long enough to know that even if I get saved this time, itll come back again. Itll start out a gentle stream and turn into violent crashing waves. It always does. I'm tired of fighting it. I'm utterly exhausted. For this will be my biggest regret. It destroys me inside that I have to leave. I've spent countless nights sobbing. I made promises to myself that I could always live for my mama. I could be gone after her, I could wait until she had passed. In the end though, you cant win in a fight where your mind is the opponent. Where your mind is your own worst enemy. I pray none of you will ever experience this. I hope that you all can see the the genuine kindness in this big beautiful place. KNOW that, LIVE in that and NEVER forget it.
I love you mama
I love you
I love you
I love you
To my best friend: Thank you for being the second best part of my life (next to my mom of course). You gave me something I thought someone like me could never have. True unrelenting friendship. I still don't know why you did it but truly. Thank you
Ps. Someone visit Russia and Sweden for me. And dont forget to watch the rest of Big Mouth on Netflix. I wanna hear all about it. Oh. And if I die before avatar the last airbender (the live action series) comes out I swear I'll come back and haunt all of you if you dont watch it and tell me whether it does true justice to the original series
Goodbye guys, much love ok ❤
