I need help and advice arranging my suicide and finding the courage

[rebelsue]

I feel like such a drama queen. I have written my story out, but handwritten over 400 pages in a journal. It's my suicide letter I've been working on for several months. The story will hopefully shed light on why I'm dead. I have been abused since birth, and my brain is permanently damaged. I have massive psychotic episodes every month and nothing stops them. I've tried every medication out there. I've been to every version and variant of therapy and psychiatry that exists. Now I just have to end it. There's no other choice left and I don't live in a country where assisted suicide is legal and I can't afford to fly to Switzerland and do the expensive, methodical legal method. I have SN because I've worked in a lab for several years and I just took some from the chemical cabinet.

The thing is, I am also scared. I want to be able to kill myself so that my husband doesn't get arrested or charged as a murder suspect, and so he doesn't lose the house or his career. I need to find somebody who will help me get my affairs in order so this has the least impact on him as possible. I don't care about anybody else, fuck them, they'll be fine in time, after they cry it out or whatever. They'll go on. My husband is the one I am worried about. Does anyone have any advice for how to leave behind a light footprint? I want my suffering to end but I don't want to make other people's lives worse. The point of killing myself is to make their lives better in the long run. (Sadly they will never appreciate this, and I am furious with them for forcing me to stay alive this long.)

I am also just genuinely scared of doing it. Maybe the legal implications in my previous paragraph are mainly what's holding me back. I keep thinking, I'd better not be hasty. I'd better pick the right place, the right time, etc. I've read a lot of articles about what affairs to get in order, and I don't have much of anything so I realized that won't be of any consequence. The house is in both our names, and I don't know how that gets dealt with when someone dies. Does he have to buy me out even though I'm dead? Will the funeral bankrupt him? How do I protect him?

I am genuinely serious about this due to the terminal nature of my mental illness, so please don't try to talk me out of this. Just help me do it right.

 

[I screwed up]

Sorry to hear ur story my friend. Wish we could help... All I can do is pray for u that u find peace in whatever u choose to do.

 

[rebelsue]

Sorry to hear ur story my friend. Wish we could help... All I can do is pray for u that u find peace in whatever u choose to do.

Is nobody able to advise? I actually thought that's what this forum was for?

 

[6ixxy]

As a community we can't give you

Is nobody able to advise? I actually thought that's what this forum was for?

We can't directly help you CTB, we can only gently nudge you in the direction you want to go & ultimately need to make your own decision on your life.
Give me 15 minutes & I'll reply to your post properly or PM you with what 'help' I can give :)

 

[BipolarExpat]

Sorry it has come to this. Be patient, more posters will reply as some time goes by.

I'd imagine (in most countries), he'd get the house outright.

It sounds as if your 400 page letter would absolve your husband of any wrong-doing.

Will the funeral break him financially? Hard to answer that without more details but you could state specific directions in a certified will or simple requests in your letter.

 

[Soul]

I'm sorry you're struggling so. I reckon the legalities depend on where you live. It may be worthwhile to consult an estate lawyer in your area to find out how to protect your husband financially. (You don't need to mention suicide, of course! You're ill, and that's enough to justify your interest.)

Also, to reduce misguided suspicions, a lot of people decide to leave a note to the police explaining that they're looking at a case of suicide.

I know you're in deep distress but go carefully, read up on the legalities, and you can get things in good order. (((Hug)))

 

[Jean4]

Is nobody able to advise? I actually thought that's what this forum was for?

I am sorry that you went through this. The horrors you have seen are unimaginable.

This forum is pro choice. We do not guide people on how to CTB. One has the free will to choose their own destiny.

May I suggest you read the Resource section. There is a wealth of information. If you have any questions about what you read, ask. Also, we are always here if you want to talk or vent. We all have been there and understand.

 

[rebelsue]

Thank you everyone for your kindness.

 

[realjunes]

Rebelsue,
You asked: The house is in both our names, and I don't know how that gets dealt with when someone dies. Does he have to buy me out even though I'm dead? Will the funeral bankrupt him? How do I protect him?
The answers to those questions depend on where you live and the laws where you live. In the US for example, certain states are "community property" states where a married couple can jointly own homes, and the survivor would own the home outright, after a spouse's death. And, in the US, you can decide and direct if you want the expense of a funeral, or something less, such as cremation, or a service at all? Whether those wishes are carried out, you would not be able to control completely, but you can express your desires in that regard. Is your husband amenable to talking about this now? Anyway, if you tell members where you live, I sure some member lives there as well and might be able to provide information, or help you find it.

 

[Asta]

Welcome, Rebelsue! We'll be able to send you PMs (private messages) when you've been here for a day and have posted 5 times. (I think that's right.) As Jean4 wrote, the Resource section will be really helpful and answer a lot of your questions.

 

[fightingsioux]

I feel like such a drama queen. I have written my story out, but handwritten over 400 pages in a journal. It's my suicide letter I've been working on for several months. The story will hopefully shed light on why I'm dead. I have been abused since birth, and my brain is permanently damaged. I have massive psychotic episodes every month and nothing stops them. I've tried every medication out there. I've been to every version and variant of therapy and psychiatry that exists. Now I just have to end it. There's no other choice left and I don't live in a country where assisted suicide is legal and I can't afford to fly to Switzerland and do the expensive, methodical legal method. I have SN because I've worked in a lab for several years and I just took some from the chemical cabinet.

The thing is, I am also scared. I want to be able to kill myself so that my husband doesn't get arrested or charged as a murder suspect, and so he doesn't lose the house or his career. I need to find somebody who will help me get my affairs in order so this has the least impact on him as possible. I don't care about anybody else, fuck them, they'll be fine in time, after they cry it out or whatever. They'll go on. My husband is the one I am worried about. Does anyone have any advice for how to leave behind a light footprint? I want my suffering to end but I don't want to make other people's lives worse. The point of killing myself is to make their lives better in the long run. (Sadly they will never appreciate this, and I am furious with them for forcing me to stay alive this long.)

I am also just genuinely scared of doing it. Maybe the legal implications in my previous paragraph are mainly what's holding me back. I keep thinking, I'd better not be hasty. I'd better pick the right place, the right time, etc. I've read a lot of articles about what affairs to get in order, and I don't have much of anything so I realized that won't be of any consequence. The house is in both our names, and I don't know how that gets dealt with when someone dies. Does he have to buy me out even though I'm dead? Will the funeral bankrupt him? How do I protect him?

I am genuinely serious about this due to the terminal nature of my mental illness, so please don't try to talk me out of this. Just help me do it right.

First of all, as many of the kind folks here have already said, take a deep breath, calm down, there's no rush. If indeed this is what you want to do, it's OK, it's your right, but it will be there tomorrow and next week.

It's good that you've got some very practical concerns, many people seem to think that there aren't any but there are! Some time when you're more relaxed, start a list of all these questions. Most can be answered by emailing or calling experts (tax stuff, for instance) or researching reliable sources on the net. As you find a reliable answer for each question, cross it off your list.

For example, two of your questions are easy! Write a note in your handwriting, sign it, your husband will not be charged with murder. Include what you'd like done with your body (if you leave this out, others decide.) There is no legal requirement for this to be followed, but it usually is (a simple, basic cremation with no extras costs about $500 - $800 in most of the U.S.). As far as your house goes, if you have joint ownership (the most common form) and you die, the property automatically belongs to your husband. Again, that's not something you should be worried about.

Let some of the kind and compassionate folks here talk to you via PM before you act. Best of luck.

 

[realjunes]

Reblesue.
You wrote, "I want to be able to kill myself so that my husband doesn't get arrested or charged as a murder suspect.." \
IMHO you should consider a CTB somewhere outside the home, depending on your method. For instance, if one does the bag/helium method, and has a partner to remove and discreetly (without cameras capturing the actions - this requires prior planning for sure) dispose of the items used, then such a death is likely to be considered "natural" and have an "undetermined" cause of death. Of course, this also depends on your medical history, what your doctor will say when contacted.
But for the best chance of no suspicion falling on anyone, if you book a hotel room on your own, with credit card, fill out the registration with your personal info, do this in person with the manager or front desk people, to be seen checking in alone, (probably even filmed by security cameras, alone) then you will be protecting others. Lots more to discuss, and others here will have great ideas about this type thing, so if and when you clarify what your exact specific questions are, you will get plenty of input from members willing to help and share.
And by the way, please know you are absolutely not being a "drama queen" but you are scared, as you say. And who isn't under these circumstances. But it is obvious from your very enlightening initial post, that you have given considerable thought to all of this and you have very big concerns and good questions. As someone mentioned, you will soon be able to send and receive private messages, to and from members, for any questions or concerns or details better handled in private exchanges. But to the extent you can post a question on the forum, I guarantee you, you will receive all sorts of information, opinions, and an ongoing effort by this community genuinely concerned and willing to help, listen, and talk.

First of all, as many of the kind folks here have already said, take a deep breath, calm down, there's no rush. If indeed this is what you want to do, it's OK, it's your right, but it will be there tomorrow and next week.

It's good that you've got some very practical concerns, many people seem to think that there aren't any but there are! Some time when you're more relaxed, start a list of all these questions. Most can be answered by emailing or calling experts (tax stuff, for instance) or researching reliable sources on the net. As you find a reliable answer for each question, cross it off your list.

For example, two of your questions are easy! Write a note in your handwriting, sign it, your husband will not be charged with murder. Include what you'd like done with your body (if you leave this out, others decide.) There is no legal requirement for this to be followed, but it usually is. As far as your house goes, if you have joint ownership (the most common form) and you die, the property automatically belongs to your husband. Again, that's not something you should be worried about.

Let some of the kind and compassionate folks here talk to you via PM before you act. Best of luck.

Excellent to the point and very practical advice.

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

Hey I am sorry you are feeling this way and what you experience, I to feel like this, I was planning to CTB tomorrow but my overthinking kills me (an ironic statement) part of me is going just do it,you're prolonging the inevitable and the other part of me still has things to get in order before I die. I to also feel that my death will make it better for my family and everyone else. I also understand about psychotic episodes, I also experience them so I understand how scary they can be. I think it's natural to be afraid of death, even people who say they aren't, when they actually come to it, they are scared, in videos you notice for instance when people hang themselves, some people fight to try and get back on the stool but that's from natural, fight, flight or freeze response.