Thank you for your response. Unfortunately I've tried to ctb many times before. I think the first time I tried I was 17. When my ex and I got together I still had these emotions still but held on for her.
I've been diagnosed with depression since 15 / 16 y.o. these aren't new emotions. Hell, they're more like an abusive family member who I can't get away from no matter how hard I try. I know once I end it I won't actually have never ending dreams of she and I together. It'll be absolute nothingness and that's what I've been craving since I learned what the word rape meant
Thank you so so so much for this
Yep, nothingness sounds like a gift at this point for many of us.
I'm also in college to help folks with mental illnesses. Arguably, I know a lot more about this issue than the average person. It's been drilled into me to tell others that suicide is permanent but depression and sadness aren't(even if you're mentally unwell)
'Stick it out for your family! You don't want to make THEM sad.
Stick it out for future happinesses! Thing always change!
Stick it out for the change you can make on the world!
Stick it out because you absolutely will find and make new connections!'
It's shitty but it always falls back to continue suffering so the world around you stays comfortable and unchanged. Staying alive banks on the future changing. Suicide is the final choice a person can make to ensure their future doesn't have 'what ifs.'
Very valid, suffering through mental illness in the hope that things will improve is what I did and nearly two decades later I'm worse off than I was back then by multitudes of who knows how much. Sure, you can make new connections and get married like I did but if that goes to hell your worse off than you were before, mentally, physically, and emotionally and how many times can we repeat the same thing expecting a different result?
Sure, you might get lucky and things could work out but they usually won't and from my experience in regards to gambling, you usually lose and I don't see many people suggesting gambling as a good way to deal with life's problems.
When you play the game of life everything is a gamble and the odds trend towards being less and less in your favor until your betting against the house with a 16 and your odds of winning are slim but if you hit and it loses (as you normally will with such a hand) your working with less than you had before.
How many bad hands can you get until you leave the casino and cut your loses?
If anything, those suggesting that we just "deal with it" on some false hope that things will improve are the ones afflicted with mental illness because they normalize insanity just because such worked for them or they deluded themselves into believing such.
This is a cruel world, you are born into it with no say, indoctrinated by society, basically forced to work for the majority of your life to survive, then once your no longer of worth you get placed into a nursing home and usually get OD'd there.
Why not skip a few steps and avoid the guaranteed result?
Why not take control of your life and end it when you desire to?
Why have faith in a society that doesn't even care about you unless you are of use to it?
Why believe in love when we are all selfish by default due to our nature?
There is a reason why euthanasia isn't a common practice in most countries and even if you have the option you can be denied unless you fit certain criteria.
Either it's because misery loves company or your worth more living than dead, I think it's a mix of both personally.
