I might give it one last shot

[zeldalover]

I think tomorrow I'm going to be brutally honest at my appointment. Give life one last shot and whatever happens happens. I do have another plan brewing as per my previous post but I haven't truly tried everything. The last few days I've struggled so hard to keep myself alive but literally I can't even call for help when I do act on my impulses because I feel so unsafe right now. I feel like I'm faking everything, but if I'm brutally honest tomorrow than my therapist will see that. I don't think I'll admit to my attempt because I don't want my mom to find out I actually did attempt, but I may say that I have a plan and I feel like I'm going to act on it any day now. I know that it's probably going to lead to me involuntarily being admitted. And honestly I'm ok with that because I feel like I may need it right now. I feel stupid saying that because I know it's hurt a lot of people and traumatized a lot of people, but I genuinely don't feel like I have any serious options that are outpatient and intensive enough to help me. I've made my peace with it. No one in my life knows that I may admit myself tomorrow because I'm scared that they'll say I'm faking everything or don't need it when my actions have shown me I very clearly do need it. It's just one last shot. And then if I regret it I'll set a date and solidify my plan a bit more. But it feels unfair when I haven't tried everything to attempt the way that I have this last week.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I think tomorrow I'm going to be brutally honest at my appointment. Give life one last shot and whatever happens happens. I do have another plan brewing as per my previous post but I haven't truly tried everything. The last few days I've struggled so hard to keep myself alive but literally I can't even call for help when I do act on my impulses because I feel so unsafe right now. I feel like I'm faking everything, but if I'm brutally honest tomorrow than my therapist will see that. I don't think I'll admit to my attempt because I don't want my mom to find out I actually did attempt, but I may say that I have a plan and I feel like I'm going to act on it any day now. I know that it's probably going to lead to me involuntarily being admitted. And honestly I'm ok with that because I feel like I may need it right now. I feel stupid saying that because I know it's hurt a lot of people and traumatized a lot of people, but I genuinely don't feel like I have any serious options that are outpatient and intensive enough to help me. I've made my peace with it. No one in my life knows that I may admit myself tomorrow because I'm scared that they'll say I'm faking everything or don't need it when my actions have shown me I very clearly do need it. It's just one last shot. And then if I regret it I'll set a date and solidify my plan a bit more. But it feels unfair when I haven't tried everything to attempt the way that I have this last week.

I'm proud of you for taking this step. It's hard to give life another try, I've done it and I feel like I'm doing okay enough to at least stay alive right now. There's no shame in needing help. If you want to be involuntarily committed, definitely do your plan about telling them. If you want to avoid that, say that you don't plan on acting on any thoughts. You generally won't get admitted (at least where I am) if you don't seem to have intentions to act on any thoughts.

Either way, I am proud. I know I am some random internet stranger, but still. I hope everything goes well and if you get committed, I hope it helps and you come out a better person regardless of what happens!

 

[zeldalover]

I'm proud of you for taking this step. It's hard to give life another try, I've done it and I feel like I'm doing okay enough to at least stay alive right now. There's no shame in needing help. If you want to be involuntarily committed, definitely do your plan about telling them. If you want to avoid that, say that you don't plan on acting on any thoughts. You generally won't get admitted (at least where I am) if you don't seem to have intentions to act on any thoughts.

Either way, I am proud. I know I am some random internet stranger, but still. I hope everything goes well and if you get committed, I hope it helps and you come out a better person regardless of what happens!

Thank you so much This kindness means a lot to me right now as I feel incredibly alone about everything.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Wish you luck and strength.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Thank you so much This kindness means a lot to me right now as I feel incredibly alone about everything.

Honestly I know the feeling and wouldn't wish it on anybody, I'm on here somewhat frequently (at least once a week, oftentimes a lot more recently) so I can lend an ear if you'd like. You could start a private conversation if you want to.

Either way, I hope you don't feel too lonely. I wish you the best of luck and I hope everything goes well tomorrow. If you're feeling up to it, maybe you can even update and tell us how it goes! Don't feel obligated though! Good luck!

 

[zeldalover]

Honestly I know the feeling and wouldn't wish it on anybody, I'm on here somewhat frequently (at least once a week, oftentimes a lot more recently) so I can lend an ear if you'd like. You could start a private conversation if you want to.

Either way, I hope you don't feel too lonely. I wish you the best of luck and I hope everything goes well tomorrow. If you're feeling up to it, maybe you can even update and tell us how it goes! Don't feel obligated though! Good luck!

So far my mom has already judged me for wearing pjs to her office and thus for my appointment later today. She still doesn't know I very well might end up admitted but even so I don't have it in me to change into "normal" clothes anyways. There's no reason.

 

[zeldalover]

About to go in to my appointment. I'm shaking so hard. Wish me luck.

 

[LouLouLouLou]

About to go in to my appointment. I'm shaking so hard. Wish me luck.

i hope things go well for you, good luck

 

[zeldalover]

Well surprisingly I'm not admitted. I even told her about my attempt and she screened me a whole bunch and said I was a high risk for suicide but basically said I only need a lot of appointments with them and group therapies and more intensive outpatient care but not residential. She basically told me to just call cpep if I feel suicidal and feel like I'm in a crisis and I felt like she didn't really listen when I told her that I can't do it and don't feel safe enough to do it so she challenged me to call cpep if I feel like I might attempt and sent me on my way.

I want to give up.

 

[Ksmиda]

Good luck the first step is always the hardest

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Well surprisingly I'm not admitted. I even told her about my attempt and she screened me a whole bunch and said I was a high risk for suicide but basically said I only need a lot of appointments with them and group therapies and more intensive outpatient care but not residential. She basically told me to just call cpep if I feel suicidal and feel like I'm in a crisis and I felt like she didn't really listen when I told her that I can't do it and don't feel safe enough to do it so she challenged me to call cpep if I feel like I might attempt and sent me on my way.

I want to give up.

That's unfortunate. Especially since she basically said "More therapy" as the solution to your issues. This is a poor reflection on the state of mental healthcare in America. I sincerely hope things get better of you, I can tell this is very difficult for you.

 

[zeldalover]

That's unfortunate. Especially since she basically said "More therapy" as the solution to your issues. This is a poor reflection on the state of mental healthcare in America. I sincerely hope things get better of you, I can tell this is very difficult for you.

Thank you for understanding. I feel like I should feel lucky because I told her literally everything, told her my attempt, the details of it, that I have another plan and can't bring myself to call cpep when I act impulsively, I have notes, I told her literally everything and got sent home but it feels like nothing mattered. I don't want to have to be hospitalized but I truly don't believe anything is possible for me right now and if they won't even hospitalize me when I'm as suicidal as I am and admitting to it in hopes of getting appropriate treatment for me I literally get sent home and told not to do it but then also told that "I matter". I clearly don't. I at least don't feel it. She also basically sent me home with some pages she printed out of therapists near me that "might be better suited for me" when they are all zoom calls and I've tried that place before and it didn't help. It's as if she thinks I didn't ever try looking for therapists that would probably help me and couldn't find any. Essentially it just feels so much like I did what everyone would say I should do and none of it mattered. I just want to give up.

I genuinely think the only reason I'm not full blown attempting tonight is because it's my brother's birthday and he's having a shitty one. Even though I have my other plan I decided to take 6 allegra because why the fuck not. It won't kill me but maybe it'll hurt me.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Thank you for understanding. I feel like I should feel lucky because I told her literally everything, told her my attempt, the details of it, that I have another plan and can't bring myself to call cpep when I act impulsively, I have notes, I told her literally everything and got sent home but it feels like nothing mattered. I don't want to have to be hospitalized but I truly don't believe anything is possible for me right now and if they won't even hospitalize me when I'm as suicidal as I am and admitting to it in hopes of getting appropriate treatment for me I literally get sent home and told not to do it but then also told that "I matter". I clearly don't. I at least don't feel it. She also basically sent me home with some pages she printed out of therapists near me that "might be better suited for me" when they are all zoom calls and I've tried that place before and it didn't help. It's as if she thinks I didn't ever try looking for therapists that would probably help me and couldn't find any. Essentially it just feels so much like I did what everyone would say I should do and none of it mattered. I just want to give up.

I genuinely think the only reason I'm not full blown attempting tonight is because it's my brother's birthday and he's having a shitty one. Even though I have my other plan I decided to take 6 allegra because why the fuck not. It won't kill me but maybe it'll hurt me.

I'm sorry but your therapist sounds awful. I think that, if you can find a better one, you should. A therapist shouldn't be as dismissive as yours seems to be. I have a pretty good therapist currently and she asks about it every time I talk because she wants to make sure I'm okay and has warned me that saying I have a plan and will act on it or will otherwise harm someone else will get me involuntarily committed. She didn't say it in a threatening way or anything, just apparently rules they have to follow.

It sounds like yours doesn't have that or doesn't care and is breaking that rule. Either way, it seems clear that your therapist doesn't care about or respect you, and I think you should find another one if it's possible.

You seem like a really nice, considerate person who needs help but people aren't giving you help. It says a lot that you're considerate enough of your brother to stick around and not make his day worse. I hope your doing okay right now, at least as good as you can be given the circumstances you're in.