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noname223

Archangel
Aug 18, 2020
5,172
I had a phone call with the woman I dated. And this phone call was way better than the first. We talked about meeting at her home the next time to watch an episode of a show. It will be the first time we meet at one of our homes.

I crave so fucking much for a relationship. I am extremely touch depraved. And hugging my friends is simply not the same. We had our third date 3 weeks ago. Since then I am pretty manic. Imaging how we both get intimate with each other makes me so fucking manic. However, I thought I am still in control of the situation.

Today I had my first appointment for systemic therapy. She told me I might should go somewhere else. I seem to be a difficult case I need someone experienced. Moreover, she thinks behavioral therapy is the better choice because there are more appointments possible. Damn, it will take a long time to find someone. I think therapy is useless anyway. Financials are my main issue. The therapist told me she perceives me as very manic. Many people told me I speak very very fast. I also do this when I am depressed. But the therapist was pretty scared she wanted to inform my psychiatrist.

Honestly, if this is a new manic episode the last one was 2017 this might be the final nail in my coffin. The manic episode was by far the best time of my life but I won't survive another crash. I think if the extreme psychosomatic pain returns I am pretty sure I gonna commit suicide. But there is another scenario. Maybe it will be only a mixed manic depressive episode. They are also hell on earth. However, I am rather surviving in this state. It is extreme agony but in the past I wasn't that suicidal during them. It depends whether it ruins my possible relationship.

Something that usually helps against mania for me is browsing SaSu. I will take more often addictive sleeping pills. It is scary how manic I am. I don't think it is an episode yet. I feel too bad for that. Thinking about suicide and depression actually helps against mania for me. We have not held hands yet. My best friend said it is not unlikely it gets sexual when we are at her home. I am not sure. I want a relationship so fucking much. I might even die for it in exchange. Currently, it is pretty slow between us because she is on vacation. And she has a smaller need for social interactions. Still it blows my head off.

I consider to enjoy our time together and then to face the consequences afterwards. Which will mean death. It was so fucking unlikely with my love delusions to find a gf I won't throw that away. I rather die.

One thing to make me depressed is swiping on a dating app. Which I did today because I am so fucking used to it. And I could not believe who I saw. The trans woman I had an extreme crush on 1-2 years ago. I almost forgot her. I made screenshots of her profiles to send it to my friends because I could not believe it. I ruminated and swiped her left which means no. I think I want to forget that chapter. I was really paranoid when I had a crush on her. Further, I want to focus on the woman I am currently dating.

I hope it is not too late to stop a new manic episode. There are many warning signs but before this conversation today I thought I have not crossed the line yet. I have to sleep more.
 
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opheliaoveragain

opheliaoveragain

Eating Disordered Junkie
Jun 2, 2024
1,164
Please try to stick to a routine if you can during this time and please get as much rest as you're able to. We will be here for you no matter the outcome.
 
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noname223

Archangel
Aug 18, 2020
5,172
Today I was in my self-help group and a bipolar fellow said to me he thinks I am in a manic episode. Well the one thing I always desired love might will kill me. That's kind of poetic I think I played the cards I have been dealt with as good as possible. I am content with how I went. I could imagine I am very close to a new manic episode. Maybe it will be a mixed episode. I still feel massively depressed. This wonders me. In my memories my hypomanic manic episode was amazing the best time in my life by far. Currently, I am suffering. I am still in a lot of pain.

If my manic episode ruins my potential relationship. I am going to commit suicide especially when I crash. I have SN stored under my bed with all I need. I also told it to my two closest friends that my end might be near.

I always thought college would make me fully happy and really manic. It made me a little bit manic but more depressed in the longrun. Tbh college made me massively depressive which I would never have predicted. I always thought after my next big crash I gonna kill myself. Especially, when the strong psychosomatic pain returns. I am pretty sure I won't survive that. Since September 2020 I left major depression. One year I had job interviews which was horrible I am autistic and can't lie. Then I went to college 3 years straight. Tbh it was torture. But it showed me my naive thought in college I would have a perfect life was just very delusional.

If the psychosomatic pain returns I gonna kill myself. After a big crash it is over. I am very determined. However, when it is a mixed episode I am not sure what will happen. I survived a benzo withdrawal. It was similar to a mixed episode. In mixed episodes I am in extreme pain but not that suicidal. I am not really sure why. I think I cannot concentrate on the method if I am that agitated.

I think if I get intimate with my potential gf this break the camal's back and this will start a manic episode. But I have such a strong desire for it. If I have to kill myself for it in a couple of months I am fine with it. Tbh the manic episode is a really good excuse not to return to this college torture chamber. I cannot work anyway. Who cares? I developed so many problems because college broke me further. Really even many somatic symptoms emerged. The clinic staff was shocked in what a shape I was.

Tbh a part of me likes it might be over. I am extremely anxious and maybe this is why I feel so depressed despite of the manic symptoms. I know which consequences this will have. At the same time I am extremely tired. So tired of fighting. I lost. The game was always rigged against me. If love the thing I craved the most for kills me. Well. I could not win. If I crash big time I even think the pressure to decide will be gone. If the pain gets that overwhelming there won't be a choice. There simply won't be one. The pain lasted the last time 1,5 years. Lmao. I won't endure that again.

I will take a half and maybe another half of my addictive sleeping pill this night.