I had a phone call with the woman I dated. And this phone call was way better than the first. We talked about meeting at her home the next time to watch an episode of a show. It will be the first time we meet at one of our homes.
I crave so fucking much for a relationship. I am extremely touch depraved. And hugging my friends is simply not the same. We had our third date 3 weeks ago. Since then I am pretty manic. Imaging how we both get intimate with each other makes me so fucking manic. However, I thought I am still in control of the situation.
Today I had my first appointment for systemic therapy. She told me I might should go somewhere else. I seem to be a difficult case I need someone experienced. Moreover, she thinks behavioral therapy is the better choice because there are more appointments possible. Damn, it will take a long time to find someone. I think therapy is useless anyway. Financials are my main issue. The therapist told me she perceives me as very manic. Many people told me I speak very very fast. I also do this when I am depressed. But the therapist was pretty scared she wanted to inform my psychiatrist.
Honestly, if this is a new manic episode the last one was 2017 this might be the final nail in my coffin. The manic episode was by far the best time of my life but I won't survive another crash. I think if the extreme psychosomatic pain returns I am pretty sure I gonna commit suicide. But there is another scenario. Maybe it will be only a mixed manic depressive episode. They are also hell on earth. However, I am rather surviving in this state. It is extreme agony but in the past I wasn't that suicidal during them. It depends whether it ruins my possible relationship.
Something that usually helps against mania for me is browsing SaSu. I will take more often addictive sleeping pills. It is scary how manic I am. I don't think it is an episode yet. I feel too bad for that. Thinking about suicide and depression actually helps against mania for me. We have not held hands yet. My best friend said it is not unlikely it gets sexual when we are at her home. I am not sure. I want a relationship so fucking much. I might even die for it in exchange. Currently, it is pretty slow between us because she is on vacation. And she has a smaller need for social interactions. Still it blows my head off.
I consider to enjoy our time together and then to face the consequences afterwards. Which will mean death. It was so fucking unlikely with my love delusions to find a gf I won't throw that away. I rather die.
One thing to make me depressed is swiping on a dating app. Which I did today because I am so fucking used to it. And I could not believe who I saw. The trans woman I had an extreme crush on 1-2 years ago. I almost forgot her. I made screenshots of her profiles to send it to my friends because I could not believe it. I ruminated and swiped her left which means no. I think I want to forget that chapter. I was really paranoid when I had a crush on her. Further, I want to focus on the woman I am currently dating.
I hope it is not too late to stop a new manic episode. There are many warning signs but before this conversation today I thought I have not crossed the line yet. I have to sleep more.
I crave so fucking much for a relationship. I am extremely touch depraved. And hugging my friends is simply not the same. We had our third date 3 weeks ago. Since then I am pretty manic. Imaging how we both get intimate with each other makes me so fucking manic. However, I thought I am still in control of the situation.
Today I had my first appointment for systemic therapy. She told me I might should go somewhere else. I seem to be a difficult case I need someone experienced. Moreover, she thinks behavioral therapy is the better choice because there are more appointments possible. Damn, it will take a long time to find someone. I think therapy is useless anyway. Financials are my main issue. The therapist told me she perceives me as very manic. Many people told me I speak very very fast. I also do this when I am depressed. But the therapist was pretty scared she wanted to inform my psychiatrist.
Honestly, if this is a new manic episode the last one was 2017 this might be the final nail in my coffin. The manic episode was by far the best time of my life but I won't survive another crash. I think if the extreme psychosomatic pain returns I am pretty sure I gonna commit suicide. But there is another scenario. Maybe it will be only a mixed manic depressive episode. They are also hell on earth. However, I am rather surviving in this state. It is extreme agony but in the past I wasn't that suicidal during them. It depends whether it ruins my possible relationship.
Something that usually helps against mania for me is browsing SaSu. I will take more often addictive sleeping pills. It is scary how manic I am. I don't think it is an episode yet. I feel too bad for that. Thinking about suicide and depression actually helps against mania for me. We have not held hands yet. My best friend said it is not unlikely it gets sexual when we are at her home. I am not sure. I want a relationship so fucking much. I might even die for it in exchange. Currently, it is pretty slow between us because she is on vacation. And she has a smaller need for social interactions. Still it blows my head off.
I consider to enjoy our time together and then to face the consequences afterwards. Which will mean death. It was so fucking unlikely with my love delusions to find a gf I won't throw that away. I rather die.
One thing to make me depressed is swiping on a dating app. Which I did today because I am so fucking used to it. And I could not believe who I saw. The trans woman I had an extreme crush on 1-2 years ago. I almost forgot her. I made screenshots of her profiles to send it to my friends because I could not believe it. I ruminated and swiped her left which means no. I think I want to forget that chapter. I was really paranoid when I had a crush on her. Further, I want to focus on the woman I am currently dating.
I hope it is not too late to stop a new manic episode. There are many warning signs but before this conversation today I thought I have not crossed the line yet. I have to sleep more.
