I might be too mentally ill for having a girlfriend

[noname223]

I am overthinking things on an absurd level. I thought about her the whole day. I have met a girl twice I think she might have a crush on me and I am developing a crush too. I had psychosis and I am bipolar. My brain is so fucking fucked. I am glad I shared my plan how to approach her with my neurotypical friends. As I just wrote in another thread recently it is likely I just repeat the old mistakes over and over again. Yeah I would have done that but my friends gave me some advices. I really hope they help.

I almost cried several times today because I can analyze my mistakes but I can't do anything about it. I have only one chance. The name of this hope is lorazepam (a benzo). I overthink the situation in an extreme manner. Really very very extreme. My friends tell me trying to think less about it. Yeah that is almost impossble without additional medication. There is the off-chance the benzo makes it worse. But without it I had no chance. I am pretty sure about that. I try to gamble. I have nothing to lose. Damn I will be so heartbroken when I fuck this up.

I see her next week again. I take one full pill. This is the double dosage compared to my normale dosage.

Here are the mistakes which I am repeating over and over agan. I had some bad experiences with women when my illnesses destroyed everything. My main problem is a recursive thought loop. In other words: I am overthinking things so much that my brain melts.

Here is the mistake which I have analyzed thankfully to my friends: I show the woman that I think she has an interest in me. I am way way too obvious about that. This is a huge problem. I have said really stupid shit in the past because of that. If I try not to show that it feels like I was only acting (like an actor). I think there are some semi-psychotic thinking patterns which influence that. My anti-psychotic medication is not enough to stop that. I think only a benzo could save me. When you take a benzo you have less anxiety and it slows down this recursive thought loop (at least this is what I am hoping). I hope this so much. But obviously they are pretty dangerous because they are highly addictive. I don't give a fuck let's become benzo addict if I get a gf in exchange of that. I am only joking but I am also not close to a benzo addiction. It is important to avoid too big mistakes in this phase. We barely know each other and I am overthinking things on an absurd level.

Another problem but this is specific to the current case. I have lied to her that I would study like a normal student with all the normal courses. I study way less courses. I need to correct that lie. I am not fully sure how to do that. I probably listen to the advices of my experienced/successful friends. I almost would have done a huge mistake with my plan how to address that. The advices of my friends were pretty good. But the implementation will be difficult.

Another problem: I am talking too much about politics. Not sure how much this really is a problem. I can say during a manic episode I was obsessed by talking about that and the other woman gave me that feedback. I hope it is less when the mania is eased. I am taking additional medication (mood stabilizer) to ease mania. Fuck the side effects. I don't care. I think when I am less manic I am less obsessed of talking about politics. I know this sounds so ridiculous but I can't do anything. She seems to like politics btw in contrast to the woman who gave me the negative feedback.


Just fuck my brain. I pray to lorazepam. I will pray the next days for my benzo to save me. I don't know anything else which could help. For admitting that I am mentally ill is it WAY too early. I am just so fucking mentally ill. I think I will get very strong suicidal thoughts when my brain fucks it up.

I mean I had no problem when she rejected me because she thinks that I was ugly. I really would not care too much about that. There are less superficial women on this planet. Or women who like my style.

I had no problem if she thinks I was a loser because I don't attend all courses. There are women with more understanding concerning performance pressure.

HOWEVER being again rejected because I am insane I just can't handle that. Not again and again (xD)
Damn my brain is so fucked up. This is all so cyncial. This is all so fucking cyncial. I a lot of strong suicidal thoughts when she rejects me. I just despise my brain. I just despise myself. Nothing can save the situation except a benzo. I absoulety don't know another approach. Damn I will be so fucking heartbroken. This will hurt me so fucking much.

Pray for me. Pray for lorazepam.

This thread is not meant to be a belittlement of the dangers of benozs. But I just don't fucking care. I always sworn to be never become an addict. But damn for getting a gf I might break that rule. It would probably kill me in the end though. Rationally I rather try not to become an addict the withdrawal must be extreme hell. I think it might trigger multiple psychosis.

U quote me before I delete? Very fast. So I have to reply, then. I think you should be fine, basically. Can't read all of that, but no sarcasm for reals. I think you should be good enough for gf, since you have friends and college, seem normie enough, etc. Anyway, shouldn't acutally post rn. Hope your genetic interexts ate fulfilled!

I still doubt a lot that you are serious. This all sounds so fucking insane. I know that. I am very-well aware about that fact. At least I am self-aware that I am insane. I think the benzo really might help. I have way less of these problem when I came closer to a woman. I never had a relationship though. But I know the problems get less the closer the woman knows me. I try to bypass that critical time period with benzos. If this does not help I probably give it up.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I think there are phases in life when we have to concentrate on yourselfs and bring no one into our problems.

 

[BrokenHill]

I will keep your benzos in my thoughts and prayers, good luck

 

[Pluto]

Anything is possible, as I had a friend who was always talking about politics, quite autistic and in a pretty bad life situation in general, and yet he managed to attract a woman who was quite attractive, though had an atrocious past with being a victim of sexual abuse and was not very emotionally stable. They are still together years later. She must have gotten sick of attracting the same types of ultra-toxic men. But to be honest, it still doesn't make sense because the situation seems to break all the rules as I understand them.

Normally, the most important thing is genuinely not giving a damn what the outcome is, and just being fun to be around in terms of humour and intimacy. An attitude of not taking things too seriously too soon is imperative. Neediness is the worst quality to have, and I wish I didn't have it to a pathological extent due to past sibling/parent/school abuse.

Recently, I've been hanging around a guy who is not very serious about finding a serious relationship, and he has been chased by really attractive women like crazy, to the extent of bringing out the same insane obsessiveness that we normally associate with lonely men. It's kind of triggering hearing about him having to block these women. The whole situation strikes me as pretty sad, as people rarely seem to be attracted to people who are actually what they need. We all seem to want what we can't have.