Ameya
A nobody
- Mar 22, 2021
- 130
Dramatic title to catch some attention. My bad
I am going to start my vent now.
I have failed my last attempts and I really want to die now, but I made one fatal mistake. I talked about me feeling suicidal. Somehow I miraculously got a partner (I don't want to bost I'm sorry if it sounds like that). I opened up to him about being suicidal. He's also well..depressed AND suicidal. And I told him I don't think I can hold on any longer. He said he'll follow me into my footsteps when I die. I don't want him to kill himself bc of me. I don't want to be the reason. Before you think he's very evil. He wouldn't kill himself if we broke up. Just knowing the fact that I will be gone would trigget that. I might have created a toxic codpandecy without my intention. I love him very much, but I don't want to live. Now instead of dragging myself to death I would drag him there too.
THIS MAKES ME SUPER GUILTY. This is the only rule I have for myself: Not dragging anyone to death with me or minimising the trauma of someone finding me. Hence why a lot of methods are out of the question for me. My partner doesn't know that. I never told him. But whenever he tells me he loves me I feel incredibly guilty.
A similar scenario happned with another friend of mine too. I was just at rock bottem and I told him I'd end myself one day. He said basically the same as my partner. "If you die I die". I can't do this anymore. Why are they keeping me alive with my own guilt. I never ment to open up about my suicidal ideations, but I did bc I felt desperate. Now I don't know what to do.
I know I sound super spoiled bc I have people around me and some on this forum don't. I'm super sorry for that. But I am in pain with just living no matter who is around me. I am my biggest enemy
I am going to start my vent now.
I have failed my last attempts and I really want to die now, but I made one fatal mistake. I talked about me feeling suicidal. Somehow I miraculously got a partner (I don't want to bost I'm sorry if it sounds like that). I opened up to him about being suicidal. He's also well..depressed AND suicidal. And I told him I don't think I can hold on any longer. He said he'll follow me into my footsteps when I die. I don't want him to kill himself bc of me. I don't want to be the reason. Before you think he's very evil. He wouldn't kill himself if we broke up. Just knowing the fact that I will be gone would trigget that. I might have created a toxic codpandecy without my intention. I love him very much, but I don't want to live. Now instead of dragging myself to death I would drag him there too.
THIS MAKES ME SUPER GUILTY. This is the only rule I have for myself: Not dragging anyone to death with me or minimising the trauma of someone finding me. Hence why a lot of methods are out of the question for me. My partner doesn't know that. I never told him. But whenever he tells me he loves me I feel incredibly guilty.
A similar scenario happned with another friend of mine too. I was just at rock bottem and I told him I'd end myself one day. He said basically the same as my partner. "If you die I die". I can't do this anymore. Why are they keeping me alive with my own guilt. I never ment to open up about my suicidal ideations, but I did bc I felt desperate. Now I don't know what to do.