Venting I might attempt again tonight

[neverwashere]

I haven't been able to meet up with my therapist in over a month, and even at our last meeting I talked about superficial things like school, not about how I feel. I really need to vent and be honest about my feelings.
I'm so tired. I'm so tired of always being so alone and numb, despite being surrounded by friends. I always act like im okay, despite making the occasional dark joke, but its honestly getting to be too much to bear.

I thought I was getting better. Its been 8 days since my first real attempt at taking my life, and I ven found the motivation to clean my apartment today! But then I relapsed on SH. I dont know why- but I guess I realized how numb I felt again, and didn't want to let it get to the point where I'm constantly dissasociating. But even a relapse didn't do anything. I still feel alone and numb. I got on a call with my best friend but that didn't help.

I look for possible ways to CTB at every opportunity. Its become a problem. I haven't acted out on anything, but I live in a city and sometimes I'll catch myself staring at a building and wondering how long it would take me to hit the ground if I were to jump and what it would feel like.

I'm considering getting drunk and attempting again via full suspension hanging, since partial didn't work out last week. Its not like anybody would miss me anyways. If I did it in my apartment, which I most likely will, I don't think my body would be found for at least a week if not longer because my roommate went to go visit her family in another state. I pity whoever will find it, but I hope they won't be too upset.

I wish there was an easy way to commit that wouldn't leave a body behind, but alas there isn't.

I'm not planning on leaving behind a will or anything, since I know my family wouldn't care about it. Tbh, I don't think I'll even write a note- if anything, this is my note. If for whatever reason someone I know irl is reading this after I die, I would apologize but I'm not sorry for taking matters into my own hands. If you had to live with the shit that goes on my head, you'd kill yourself too.
so yeah. This is it I suppose.

I might come back to update if I failed, but I hope not. We'll see. In case I don't return, goodbye everyone? Take care of yourselves! I'll catch you on the flip side :)

 

[TheHuman]

Well I hope that your attempt will work this time, and I hope for you to find peace.

 

[picklemick]

I completely get how difficult hanging can be. And just ctb in general. Attempted several partial hangs, have been too scared to do full. Mostly because I don't trust my setup. What you're feeling is the same as a lot of us on here. Despair. I hope you can end the pain however you choose

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry that you have to endure so much suffering and life brought you to this point. It's so incredibly difficult to leave this world. I hope you find freedom and peace! I wish you all the best!

 

[neverwashere]

I haven't been able to meet up with my therapist in over a month, and even at our last meeting I talked about superficial things like school, not about how I feel. I really need to vent and be honest about my feelings.
I'm so tired. I'm so tired of always being so alone and numb, despite being surrounded by friends. I always act like im okay, despite making the occasional dark joke, but its honestly getting to be too much to bear.

I thought I was getting better. Its been 8 days since my first real attempt at taking my life, and I ven found the motivation to clean my apartment today! But then I relapsed on SH. I dont know why- but I guess I realized how numb I felt again, and didn't want to let it get to the point where I'm constantly dissasociating. But even a relapse didn't do anything. I still feel alone and numb. I got on a call with my best friend but that didn't help.

I look for possible ways to CTB at every opportunity. Its become a problem. I haven't acted out on anything, but I live in a city and sometimes I'll catch myself staring at a building and wondering how long it would take me to hit the ground if I were to jump and what it would feel like.

I'm considering getting drunk and attempting again via full suspension hanging, since partial didn't work out last week. Its not like anybody would miss me anyways. If I did it in my apartment, which I most likely will, I don't think my body would be found for at least a week if not longer because my roommate went to go visit her family in another state. I pity whoever will find it, but I hope they won't be too upset.

I wish there was an easy way to commit that wouldn't leave a body behind, but alas there isn't.

I'm not planning on leaving behind a will or anything, since I know my family wouldn't care about it. Tbh, I don't think I'll even write a note- if anything, this is my note. If for whatever reason someone I know irl is reading this after I die, I would apologize but I'm not sorry for taking matters into my own hands. If you had to live with the shit that goes on my head, you'd kill yourself too.
so yeah. This is it I suppose.

I might come back to update if I failed, but I hope not. We'll see. In case I don't return, goodbye everyone? Take care of yourselves! I'll catch you on the flip side :)

update: I decided to take a shower so that I'm at least clean before I die. now I dont want to die? like I am fully fine and feel at peace???? will be postponing ctb to another day lol

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward, I also wish that there was an easy way to leave, I hate how in this world it's so difficult to finally cease existing.