Things have improved since I left an abuser and had to find somewhere to go. I still want to die badly but I put in effort to improve my situation and get a job. I've also done things I'm not proud of. Life is unrelenting. I don't consider myself a body or the body a body. I've lost the ability to love.
I'm not proud of myself and I hate being here as life dangles possibilities in front of me and maybe a chance to not be so miserable. I'm around positive people now. I couldn't have asked for better, but I'm still extremely sad and have to enter work at a level that demands a higher level of me I no longer know.
I don't know what I'll do once I live alone. I can't think straight most days. Outwardly I smile and laugh like others but inside I feel dead or in agony. The constant agony doesn't stop. I really want to die and be at peace. I feel defeated and threatened by life. Too much has happened and the mountains and chains I've endured are frightening.
The future looms in the distance like a siren. Again I'm supposed to try living like a normal person. Looking like them. Acting like I have my shit together and get it back together. I hate this world. I hate having to act and expectations. These people encourage me to keep going, but they're normal.
How many more years of trying to live? It's futile. Things lined up after much effort. Over a year of effort. I'm tired. I have to CTB, but I've done so much for what's coming soon. I should've CTB a year ago. A decade ago. I'm being dragged into the future now! It hurts. I can't even tell anyone. They're happy for me and I'm in pain.
On top of that, lol, my hands are weak. I'll have to hide that. I don't know how I'll rebuild my life and want to live it. Anyways, good luck to everyone. Thank you to the people here. I'm glad this place exists.
I'm not proud of myself and I hate being here as life dangles possibilities in front of me and maybe a chance to not be so miserable. I'm around positive people now. I couldn't have asked for better, but I'm still extremely sad and have to enter work at a level that demands a higher level of me I no longer know.
I don't know what I'll do once I live alone. I can't think straight most days. Outwardly I smile and laugh like others but inside I feel dead or in agony. The constant agony doesn't stop. I really want to die and be at peace. I feel defeated and threatened by life. Too much has happened and the mountains and chains I've endured are frightening.
The future looms in the distance like a siren. Again I'm supposed to try living like a normal person. Looking like them. Acting like I have my shit together and get it back together. I hate this world. I hate having to act and expectations. These people encourage me to keep going, but they're normal.
How many more years of trying to live? It's futile. Things lined up after much effort. Over a year of effort. I'm tired. I have to CTB, but I've done so much for what's coming soon. I should've CTB a year ago. A decade ago. I'm being dragged into the future now! It hurts. I can't even tell anyone. They're happy for me and I'm in pain.
On top of that, lol, my hands are weak. I'll have to hide that. I don't know how I'll rebuild my life and want to live it. Anyways, good luck to everyone. Thank you to the people here. I'm glad this place exists.
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