I make all victims of abuse look bad

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

There are resources for people to escape abusive households. Places where people can stay and create a better independent life from there abusers. But what do I do?

I stay

I stay because I am scared of what a better life could be.
I am scared of anything that threatens my desire to die
I am content of currently having my own room and money from my father
I am content gong to school
Yet I also feel suicidal when my brother hurts me or when he and my dad fight
I wish I was like other 22 year olds living their lives independently
don't be like me
I am a failure

 

[Lilacmoon]

There are resources for people to escape abusive households. Places where people can stay and create a better independent life from there abusers. But what do I do?

I stay

I stay because I am scared of what a better life could be.
I am scared of anything that threatens my desire to die
I am content of currently having my own room and money from my father
I am content gong to school
Yet I also feel suicidal when my brother hurts me or when he and my dad fight
I wish I was like other 22 year olds living their lives independently
don't be like me
I am a failure

Hey. I was abused for a while too. I also stayed for a while, so the emotions make sense, at least to me. The idea that the push could help drive us to the brink and free us. The fear of the unknown, not knowing what it could mean to escape the abuse. At least we know what the abuse is, so we know what to expect.
You are not a failure. You are you, and are allowed to feel however you want. And you're free to vent any time. Sorry if none of this helps, these are just my silly thoughts.

 

[Ghost2211]

There is no right of wrong way to handle abuse and trauma. There is no strength of weakness either. You blame yourself, but the ones who deserve blame are the ones that hurt a child.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I just feel I should have my life on track by now. A nice job, my own apartment, independence and freedom, etc. But I dont

 

[Ghost2211]

Easier said than done nowadays even without abuse.

 

[L I F E T O L O S E]

I just feel I should have my life on track by now. A nice job, my own apartment, independence and freedom, etc. But I dont

this is not so easy nowadays.I also wanted the same.but I think my family kind of pulls me towards what is real and probably if I live like that I would lose my sanity

why don't you try to live with a friend of yours? or you don't have friends?

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

No friends I trust to live with

 

[Lilacmoon]

Don't feel bad. Independence costs money, and not everyone has that luxury. I don't have it yet, either.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

In my opinion, only the abusers look bad here. You are showing us what kind of affect it has on a person to be treated like shit (which you have) and awareness is a very good thing. Everyone deals with these things in their own way and sometimes it can be very difficult to escape abusive situations and you are struggling to find a good way out of that mess, but that doesn't mean that any of this is your fault.

 

[Dystopic_Momento]

There are resources for people to escape abusive households. Places where people can stay and create a better independent life from there abusers. But what do I do?

I stay

I stay because I am scared of what a better life could be.
I am scared of anything that threatens my desire to die
I am content of currently having my own room and money from my father
I am content gong to school
Yet I also feel suicidal when my brother hurts me or when he and my dad fight
I wish I was like other 22 year olds living their lives independently
don't be like me
I am a failure

You're not making anyone in abuse look bad. People already don't like the abused. Trust me on that one. ;)

It's your choice -not someone who isn't you. If you ever do decide to leave, though, make sure to make that phone call on a phone they won't get access to your phone bill on -and it's best to think hard first about telling anyone there that you're suicidal. Depending on the state/country you could end up with an even worse situation.

That you're going to school means you're working on a potential longterm way out. That's still an okay choice. And if you decide at some point it's scarier to stay than to leave, that's also yours to choose. You know better than other people what your risks are.

You don't sound like a failure to me. You do sound exhausted from stress though.