I made a plan, but it’s hard to wait

[burninghill]

I made a plan to kill myself at the end of April. Do my big birthday trip and be done with myself, but every day gets harder. I don't want to do any of this bullshit.

Everything feels so pointless. I'm going to an art exhibition next week but.. why? Usually when I go to exhibitions it's to fuel my own practice but it all just feels so meaningless. Why waste my time

I'm just tired. I want to die. I tried counselling last week but he was an asshole. Spoke about how my alternative style probably means that my self-destructive behaviour is a means of creating some kind of… edgy persona. A performance. I don't even know why I went. I felt embarrassed and misunderstood

 

[hurb]

what method are u going to try? if its smthg like hanging u can always try how its going to feel. usually that would scare the shit out of u and will allow u to wait a bit longer

 

[burninghill]

what method are u going to try? if its smthg like hanging u can always try how its going to feel. usually that would scare the shit out of u and will allow u to wait a bit longer

I'm going by train, my last attempt was November 1st, I used to go to the tracks every week before and for a few weeks after. That might be a good idea, see how I feel.

 

[Abyss Dweller]

I'm really sorry the counselling went like that. It should be a place where you can be honest without any judgement.

I hope you reconsider your plan and not do it. May I ask what drove you to this point? It seems you have a passion for art, isn't that something worth sticking around?

 

[burninghill]

I'm really sorry the counselling went like that. It should be a place where you can be honest without any judgement.

I hope you reconsider your plan and not do it. May I ask what drove you to this point? It seems you have a passion for art, isn't that something worth sticking around?

I used to have a passion for art, but not really anymore. I do it for university but that's it. I'm not too sure where my love for it went, it's all just become about suicide.

I've been suicidal for 10 years, lots of intrusive thoughts, anxiety, self destructive habits. I don't have a good reason, my brain just tells me this is right, you know?

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

I used to have a passion for art, but not really anymore. I do it for university but that's it. I'm not too sure where my love for it went, it's all just become about suicide.

I've been suicidal for 10 years, lots of intrusive thoughts, anxiety, self destructive habits. I don't have a good reason, my brain just tells me this is right, you know?

Absolutely relatable! I have become totally consumed with the thought of killing myself and I really can't pinpoint a "why". My brain says, "Just do it, you and others would be better off".

 

[burninghill]

Absolutely relatable! I have become totally consumed with the thought of killing myself and I really can't pinpoint a "why". My brain says, "Just do it, you and others would be better off".

It sucks so bad. I have a really great home life and my future looks really promising, I just can't shake it. It really does just feel right, I just think there's something wrong with my brain honestly

 

[Abyss Dweller]

I used to have a passion for art, but not really anymore. I do it for university but that's it. I'm not too sure where my love for it went, it's all just become about suicide.

I've been suicidal for 10 years, lots of intrusive thoughts, anxiety, self destructive habits. I don't have a good reason, my brain just tells me this is right, you know?

In a similar boat for about 16~18 years as well though I think I could list a few things as to why.

I know this counselling wasn't a pleasant experience but maybe you could give it another shot with someone different?
I'm at my 3rd psychiatrist and while she didn't prescribe me any miracle drug (if such a thing even exists) I clearly feel like she is a lot-lot better than the other two were.

So as bad as it sounds mental health can be such a trial and error.

Sorry I wish I had someone more clever to say. Again I hope you reconsider and I wish you all the best trully. :(

 

[burninghill]

In a similar boat for about 16~18 years as well though I think I could list a few things as to why.

I know this counselling wasn't a pleasant experience but maybe you could give it another shot with someone different?
I'm at my 3rd psychiatrist and while she didn't prescribe me any miracle drug (if such a thing even exists) I clearly feel like she is a lot-lot better than the other two were.

So as bad as it sounds mental health can be such a trial and error.

Sorry I wish I had someone more clever to say. Again I hope you reconsider and I wish you all the best trully. :(

Yeah, I wish I actually wanted to get better that badly. All of my attempts at reaching out for help are subconsciously just ways to prove that it won't work, so I don't let them, it really sucks.

Please don't worry about saying something clever. I really just like talking to people here. I'm glad you pushed through and found a psychiatrist that's, at the very least, better than your previous two

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

It sucks so bad. I have a really great home life and my future looks really promising, I just can't shake it. It really does just feel right, I just think there's something wrong with my brain honestly

Yup. Like a nagging feeling, as if it's something you're destined to do? I totally get it. I tell myself all the reasons why I shouldn't do it, and then I just feel intense guilt for feeling this way, and then I feel like I'm this awful person that deserve to kill myself, and the loop continues.

 

[Abyss Dweller]

Please don't worry about saying something clever. I really just like talking to people here.

Then stick around to continue to be able to talk to people here :D

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

Yeah, I wish I actually wanted to get better that badly. All of my attempts at reaching out for help are subconsciously just ways to prove that it won't work, so I don't let them, it really sucks.

Yeah, I tell myself all the time, "What is the point in trying any more?". I honestly don't even care if I feel better. I just want to work up a nerve to get this over with.

 

[_wishforwings]

Can definitely relate, also planning on CTBing in about late april after my birthday. And I relate to having a huge passion for art for so long to not really feel the same about it anymore :-( I hate how the mental health system is (idk if you're from the US too but) it's so awful in the US and i've only ever constantly felt misunderstood. Sending you so much hugs stranger