Venting I love this website and community, but at time i feel like i'm also not ready for it in a way

[maru.]

I don't know about you guys, but even though i'm here, even though i'm sure i'll ctb, i feel like my mindset is still kind of stuck in a "normal person" mindset, you know?

Like, when i decide to ctb, i would love to be treated the way i see most people here being.
Having their decision respected, and mostly just messages of love and care, that's what i would want, it seems like it's gonna to give me one last good feeling before leaving.
Goodbye threads are some of the most beautiful and heart warming things i've ever read, just so much love and care, i've never seen anything like it.

Still, when it comes to other people here, i can't bring myself to treat anyone like that, i'm always kind of a "pro-lifer" i guess, i feel like if i don't try to convince the person to change their mind, if i say the things i'd like to hear if i were in their place (you know, things like "hope you feel peace", "have a safe trip", etc), i'd feel like an "accomplice" almost, like, like i have blood in my hands, because i didn't try to stop it, because i had the "audacity" to respect their decision.
I can't bring myself to post anything in goodbye threads, not even messages to try and comfort the person doing it, nothing, i feel guilty, like i'm doing something wrong.
I'm such a fucking hypocrite, i want to be left alone and respected when i ctb, but when i see other people, i wish there was another way, that everyone here could stay alive and be happy, but i know that's not really a possibility unfortunately.
I'm pro-choice when it comes to my decision, but i'm 100% pro-life when it comes to others, it's a stupid double standard, but i can't help it, and i feel horrible, like i can't respect a fellow member's decision even though i wish they'd respect mine if the roles were switched, i must be annoying to talk to in pms i guess, always pushing ideas that i don't apply for myself or my own life, i don't know.

Anyone else ever struggled with this?

 

[WillOxyWork]

I don't know about you guys, but even though i'm here, even though i'm sure i'll ctb, i feel like my mindset is still kind of stuck in a "normal person" mindset, you know?

Like, when i decide to ctb, i would love to be treated the way i see most people here being.
Having their decision respected, and mostly just messages of love and care, that's what i would want, it seems like it's gonna to give me one last good feeling before leaving.
Goodbye threads are some of the most beautiful and heart warming things i've ever read, just so much love and care, i've never seen anything like it.

Still, when it comes to other people here, i can't bring myself to treat anyone like that, i'm always kind of a "pro-lifer" i guess, i feel like if i don't try to convince the person to change their mind, if i say the things i'd like to hear if i were in their place (you know, things like "hope you feel peace", "have a safe trip", etc), i'd feel like an "accomplice" almost, like, like i have blood in my hands, because i didn't try to stop it, because i had the "audacity" to respect their decision.
I can't bring myself to post anything in goodbye threads, not even messages to try and comfort the person doing it, nothing, i feel guilty, like i'm doing something wrong.
I'm such a fucking hypocrite, i want to be left alone and respected when i ctb, but when i see other people, i wish there was another way, that everyone here could stay alive and be happy, but i know that's not really a possibility unfortunately.
I'm pro-choice when it comes to my decision, but i'm 100% pro-life when it comes to others, it's a stupid double standard, but i can't help it, and i feel horrible, like i can't respect a fellow member's decision even though i wish they'd respect mine if the roles were switched, i must be annoying to talk to in pms i guess, always pushing ideas that i don't apply for myself or my own life, i don't know.

Anyone else ever struggled with this?

I feel very similar to how you feel. I could not live with myself if I made someone else more comfortable with ctb, but at the same time I'm here to feel more comfortable with my potential ctb. I just try to offer empathy to other members on the forum. It does feel hypocritical, but I think it's understandable.

I as well, do not comment in goodbye threads, and I'm not sure if I'll even make a goodbye thread for myself when I decide to go.

 

[Life_and_Death]

i use to feel like you feel. its normal to feel that way. especially when you still have a little bit of hope for yourself, you subconsciously believe that other should too.

 

[Heart Shards]

IRL, I'm the same. I want to kill myself most of the time, but I don't wan't others to do it. I know it's hypocritical, but I care for others. It's easier on SS. I don't know people's faces, backgrounds, any of that jazz. It's easier for me to offer support and respect for people's decisions, and hopefully it's vise versa.

 

[Deleted member 19276]

My gosh, this post is honestly so well thought out...
This community, it made me feel normal as well.
For a long time, I felt... Alone, scared that I have to CTB, scared that I have to die...
Maru, this was very well thought out, like seriously, thank you for writing this!
The whole SS community, I think I even had a dream about it last night, it was something important... However, the memory of the dream vanished when I woke up. Gone. :(
I did have like another dream experience before that, one that was a bit like a nightmare.
But back to the topic, nah man, you don't sound like a pro lifer at all! You sound like a person with a big heart that cares about those that are suffering and in need.
This double standart, who knows, it may be something worth living with, after all, what else is there?
In the end, here we are all like a family, while on the outside world... We are little to probably nothing with how society treats us. :(
Hugs for you my friend!
To be honest, if I ever end up finally doing it, CTB, I won't really post about it here. I don't wanna worry anyone.
If you ever do so though, I will end up feeling bad, yes, being a bit pro lifer perhaps, but I will visit the said thread you might or may not make to at least express that you were a kind spirit. We don't see many people like this out there in the wilds. :)

 

[Heart Shards]

My gosh, this post is honestly so well thought out...
This community, it made me feel normal as well.
For a long time, I felt... Alone, scared that I have to CTB, scared that I have to die...
Maru, this was very well thought out, like seriously, thank you for writing this!
The whole SS community, I think I even had a dream about it last night, it was something important... However, the memory of the dream vanished when I woke up. Gone. :(
I did have like another dream experience before that, one that was a bit like a nightmare.
But back to the topic, nah man, you don't sound like a pro lifer at all! You sound like a person with a big heart that cares about those that are suffering and in need.
This double standart, who knows, it may be something worth living with, after all, what else is there?
In the end, here we are all like a family, while on the outside world... We are little to probably nothing with how society treats us. :(
Hugs for you my friend!
To be honest, if I ever end up finally doing it, CTB, I won't really post about it here. I don't wanna worry anyone.
If you ever do so though, I will end up feeling bad, yes, being a bit pro lifer perhaps, but I will visit the said thread you might or may not make to at least express that you were a kind spirit. We don't see many people like this out there in the wilds. :)

The only time I feel human is when I'm surfing SS. I'm not bombarded with "Life is a gift." all the time. That shit is my pet peeve.

 

[Deleted member 19276]

The only time I feel human is when I'm surfing SS. I'm not bombarded with "Life is a gift." all the time. That shit is my pet peeve.

God, tell me about it! All those do gooders, hero syndromes and pro lifers... They will force feed you with their agenda and ethics all the time. Life is a gift that, it will get better this, think of the children starving in Africa... I've had enough of that crud myself. :(

 

[Heart Shards]

@Vorty27 What you said is true. To society, we are trash. But on SS we're all brothers and sisters. When the mentally ill treat others better, it says a lot about society.

 

[Deleted member 19276]

@Vorty27 What you said is true. To society, we are trash. But on SS we're all brothers and sisters. When the mentally ill treat others better, it says a lot about society.

The part where you said brothers and sisters... I think I am slowly starting to cry. Not because it's anything bad, but because it's a form of appreciation and it brings a sense of light and hope. One that some of us may not have seen in a very long time. Thank you for that!

As for society, they can go screw themselves. The self fuck chamber awaits them. I don't care what they want and never will anymore.
We are like ants to them, well guess what? They are like monsters to us.
Life is a gift... They can shove that quote right up their... Ugh!

 

[Oyoy]

I got schooled for replying to posts by asking the member to not hurt themself cus that is what I would want to hear. It terrifies me to think of young people reading about methods and processing the info as it being cool. Its scary to be in an echo chamber of self degradation.

 

[Eren]

I don't know about you guys, but even though i'm here, even though i'm sure i'll ctb, i feel like my mindset is still kind of stuck in a "normal person" mindset, you know?

Like, when i decide to ctb, i would love to be treated the way i see most people here being.
Having their decision respected, and mostly just messages of love and care, that's what i would want, it seems like it's gonna to give me one last good feeling before leaving.
Goodbye threads are some of the most beautiful and heart warming things i've ever read, just so much love and care, i've never seen anything like it.

Still, when it comes to other people here, i can't bring myself to treat anyone like that, i'm always kind of a "pro-lifer" i guess, i feel like if i don't try to convince the person to change their mind, if i say the things i'd like to hear if i were in their place (you know, things like "hope you feel peace", "have a safe trip", etc), i'd feel like an "accomplice" almost, like, like i have blood in my hands, because i didn't try to stop it, because i had the "audacity" to respect their decision.
I can't bring myself to post anything in goodbye threads, not even messages to try and comfort the person doing it, nothing, i feel guilty, like i'm doing something wrong.
I'm such a fucking hypocrite, i want to be left alone and respected when i ctb, but when i see other people, i wish there was another way, that everyone here could stay alive and be happy, but i know that's not really a possibility unfortunately.
I'm pro-choice when it comes to my decision, but i'm 100% pro-life when it comes to others, it's a stupid double standard, but i can't help it, and i feel horrible, like i can't respect a fellow member's decision even though i wish they'd respect mine if the roles were switched, i must be annoying to talk to in pms i guess, always pushing ideas that i don't apply for myself or my own life, i don't know.

Anyone else ever struggled with this?

Exactly the same thing happens to me, I respect the decision of others to decide about their life, but when someone goes to CTB in this forum, even if they don't know him, I feel bad.

I do not say anything in the farewell threads for the same as you, I feel guilty. I also feel hypocritical, but I prefer to feel hypocritical than guilty, I think it is normal, you are just a good person and would like to see others happy instead of having to do ctb.

 

[autumnal]

I don't know about you guys, but even though i'm here, even though i'm sure i'll ctb, i feel like my mindset is still kind of stuck in a "normal person" mindset, you know?

Like, when i decide to ctb, i would love to be treated the way i see most people here being.
Having their decision respected, and mostly just messages of love and care, that's what i would want, it seems like it's gonna to give me one last good feeling before leaving.
Goodbye threads are some of the most beautiful and heart warming things i've ever read, just so much love and care, i've never seen anything like it.

Still, when it comes to other people here, i can't bring myself to treat anyone like that, i'm always kind of a "pro-lifer" i guess, i feel like if i don't try to convince the person to change their mind, if i say the things i'd like to hear if i were in their place (you know, things like "hope you feel peace", "have a safe trip", etc), i'd feel like an "accomplice" almost, like, like i have blood in my hands, because i didn't try to stop it, because i had the "audacity" to respect their decision.
I can't bring myself to post anything in goodbye threads, not even messages to try and comfort the person doing it, nothing, i feel guilty, like i'm doing something wrong.
I'm such a fucking hypocrite, i want to be left alone and respected when i ctb, but when i see other people, i wish there was another way, that everyone here could stay alive and be happy, but i know that's not really a possibility unfortunately.
I'm pro-choice when it comes to my decision, but i'm 100% pro-life when it comes to others, it's a stupid double standard, but i can't help it, and i feel horrible, like i can't respect a fellow member's decision even though i wish they'd respect mine if the roles were switched, i must be annoying to talk to in pms i guess, always pushing ideas that i don't apply for myself or my own life, i don't know.

Anyone else ever struggled with this?

Yes, the paradoxical situation you find yourself in is very common among members here I would say, especially newer members. It's a perfectly natural and understandable mindset, indeed it is human nature to care about others even when we don't show the same care to ourselves. It's not a matter of hypocrisy in the usual sense. Don't place any pressure on yourself to quickly (or indeed ever) switch into being able to fully endorse the suicide of others with the same casualness as you treat your own suicide. There is no reason why you cannot post responses and/or PM's asking members whether they have considered non-suicide options, as long as these are done respectfully and reflective at least somewhat on their own words or situation (rather than using the same generic anti-suicide template for everyone, for example). I would say as long as you don't go out of your way to discourage others (or do something extreme like trying to identify them and notifying their local authorities), you are still within the broad range of opinions than can be considered as 'pro-choice'.

 

[Heart Shards]

I meant it. I feel loved here; i receive more of it than I do IRL. And I love you guys and gals too!

The part where you said brothers and sisters... I think I am slowly starting to cry. Not because it's anything bad, but because it's a form of appreciation and it brings a sense of light and hope. One that some of us may not have seen in a very long time. Thank you for that!

As for society, they can go screw themselves. The self fuck chamber awaits them. I don't care what they want and never will anymore.
We are like ants to them, well guess what? They are like monsters to us.
Life is a gift... They can shove that quote right up their... Ugh!

 

[Arrow]

i also find replying to goodbye threads to be pretty difficult, sometimes feels like there's no right thing to say.

 

[maru.]

"Life is a gift."

Honestly, i still think life is a gift tbh.
As in, it fits the definition, " a thing given willingly to someone without payment; a present. ".
Life to me is like that one time on christmas, where you're hoping for a PlayStation, and you get a nice new pair of socks instead!
Like, it's a gift, i can't argue with that, but it's a very dissapointing one, and i wish it wasn't given to me at all in the first place.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I can't bring myself to post anything in goodbye threads, not even messages to try and comfort the person doing it, nothing, i feel guilty, like i'm doing something wrong.

Your entire post was so wonderful to me. It was vulnerable and honest. I have much respect and appreciation for it, and for you just as you are.

I particularly respect your action in the part that I quoted. It seems like from your perspective that you view it as inaction. To me, it is an active effort, a gift, that you refrain from posting what you desire for the person, which you identify as pro-life, and do not say what you do not authentically feel. You do not interfere, you do not fake. You make the effort to not engage when you are aware that you do not have a sincere, heartfelt desire to give what you admire and would value receiving for yourself, nor do you do that which you know is about your own desires and not their autonomous, self-determined choice, and would potentially harm.

I have compassion for your struggle, and I admire that you deal with it in a way that does no harm to others, because it reflects my values, reinforces them, and reminds me to continue to work on my own efforts toward safe, healthy, and respectful, compassionate boundaries. To refrain is active. To give without the other person knowing you gave is okay, they are able to move more freely and comfortably, free of oppression and attempts to control them, because you stay on your side of the fence. Those who know how to and want to enter the space within the fence do so, and all is well for everyone, and the community is more at peace and content, in spite of the challenging reality of the need for the community, which I neither judge as sad or happy, negative or positive. It simply is, and can only be accepted or denied, but even if it is denied it still is. I think you are demonstrating acceptance, and actively holding back your desire to deny. To me, that shows some of your inner power.

Maybe one day you'll cross the fence and join the events, when and if it is appropriate and truly from your heart. Perhaps you never will. Either is okay, and does not merit a value judgment. I value that you do just as you do. Thank you for vulnerably sharing that you give such a gift. I would never have known, and I gained from the awareness.

 

[Heart Shards]

Honestly, i still think life is a gift tbh.
As in, it fits the definition, " a thing given willingly to someone without payment; a present. ".
Life to me is like that one time on christmas, where you're hoping for a PlayStation, and you get a nice new pair of socks instead!
Like, it's a gift, i can't argue with that, but it's a very dissapointing one, and i wish it wasn't given to me at all in the first place.

Beautifully put, made me become phillosophical for a moment.

 

[Saed]

i also find replying to goodbye threads to be pretty difficult, sometimes feels like there's no right thing to say.

Definitely truth in that.

I used to be very hesitant in replying to "Goodbye" threads,for much the same reasons.
I think it's only natural to wish that someone had not reached a point where they had to make the decision to take their own life.

Sometimes,people will state why they're doing it,and your head and heart are screaming "Oh,my darling,that can be fixed!"...

There's a human being behind that text,undertaking a very stressful procedure,in the case of SN,especially,which is what many Goodbye threads entail.
They may be frightened and in need of comfort.
Plenty of messages of the "safe journey" type will be sent.
What I feel is important is the person does not feel totally alone. Listen to them,talk to them,try to make what maybe their last hours less bleak and desolate,in whatever way you feel.

I also think it's a good thing that there are members here who will speak up when someone is about to do something ill-advised,or if the person is uncertain,reassure them there's no shame in not going ahead.

Of course,they must make the ultimate decision for themselves,and though it saddens us,we accept it.

It's also possible to be blinkered by distress to the point you can't think straight,and ctb seems like the only thing you can do.
Sometimes,it does make a difference when a third party gives you another perspective.

I don't think that makes anyone automatically a pro-lifer. More a case of having sensitivity and perception of each individual's plight.

Personally,I must bring my life to an end. There's no way through this,and I accept that applies to others,too.
When I go,hey,fill my goodbye thread with memes. It will lift my heart that someone took the bother.

 

[Isittimetogonola]

For me, there are times I am not sure to CTB. That is how I know I am not ready. However, those that are saying goodbye I so want them to rethink but it is not my choice or need. So in lieu of going prolife, I at least want a peaceful journey..Everyone here deserves that.

 

[Sinai Silence]

It is a great community on this site everyone on here is so supportive and empathetic; more than anyone I've had the misfortune of opening up to irl.

Although I've never met the people who have ctb and may not even know their name I think about them everyday, they've left a mark on me in this life. I look forward to meeting them in whatever circumstance comes after this.

Its hard to say goodbye to people, but I know when its my time to ctb the last thing I want is for people to spout the BS I hear from disingenuous folks outside of this site. Love and support is all anyone could ask for when leaving this plain of existence.

 

[Eren]

Lately I feel more guilty and sad for people who plan ctb in this forum than normally.

I respect the decision of others, but I can not help feeling bad, I know it is hypocritical

 

[so tired or manic]

you can always come hang out in the recovery section, it doesn't have to mean you're truly looking to recover. I know the suicidal thoughts won't go away, but I'm trying to learn to live with them and stop acting towards them, but ctb will still be most likely how I go.