Eternity
Member
- Apr 24, 2020
- 48
A couple months ago I lost my boyfriend. He took his own life with N, so it was planned.
I never saw it coming, despite the fact we both struggled with mental health issues (depression, bpd).
I met him last summer when we both joined a group therapy for bpd issues.
He never told me he had N in his house. With the information I know now, how hard it is to purchase N, I wonder if he was also a member of this community.
It looked like he had it al together in his last months. He started a new job, had his own house & attented college. But I guess it never made him happy or even feeling a bit better.
The last time I saw him, I was struggling (again) with depression. He wanted to help me, but I was convinced I wasn't good enough so I kind of broke up with him (telling him that i couldn't make him happy and needed time). First he denied it and cried, but accepted it and told me how much he loved me, that I was the most beautiful woman he ever met. We cuddled and kissed. At that time, I didn't think it was suspicious. I just felt loved and flattered.
Now I know this was his goodbye. A day after our talk he took his life.
They say it will get better over time. Well, it doesn't. It only gets worse. I feel numb, guilty, sad, depressed all day. I can't even find the right words anymore.
I struggle with bpd and depression half of my life (and I'm just in my mid 20's). The day he died, that last piece of hope and joy inside of me died with him too.
After years of therapy, struggles and trauma's I am just done. So that's what brought me here, to get informed well. I don't want to do anything impulsive.
I guess I'll go for partial, since I don't have the energy anymore for big preparations.
The only and one thing that keeps me going, are my parents. I don't want them to endure the pain I feel & worse.
But I can't keep going just for them.
Sorry for this sad story. It helped a bit to write it down and to be here. In a weird way, this community gives me support just by reading other people's experiences.
I never saw it coming, despite the fact we both struggled with mental health issues (depression, bpd).
I met him last summer when we both joined a group therapy for bpd issues.
He never told me he had N in his house. With the information I know now, how hard it is to purchase N, I wonder if he was also a member of this community.
It looked like he had it al together in his last months. He started a new job, had his own house & attented college. But I guess it never made him happy or even feeling a bit better.
The last time I saw him, I was struggling (again) with depression. He wanted to help me, but I was convinced I wasn't good enough so I kind of broke up with him (telling him that i couldn't make him happy and needed time). First he denied it and cried, but accepted it and told me how much he loved me, that I was the most beautiful woman he ever met. We cuddled and kissed. At that time, I didn't think it was suspicious. I just felt loved and flattered.
Now I know this was his goodbye. A day after our talk he took his life.
They say it will get better over time. Well, it doesn't. It only gets worse. I feel numb, guilty, sad, depressed all day. I can't even find the right words anymore.
I struggle with bpd and depression half of my life (and I'm just in my mid 20's). The day he died, that last piece of hope and joy inside of me died with him too.
After years of therapy, struggles and trauma's I am just done. So that's what brought me here, to get informed well. I don't want to do anything impulsive.
I guess I'll go for partial, since I don't have the energy anymore for big preparations.
The only and one thing that keeps me going, are my parents. I don't want them to endure the pain I feel & worse.
But I can't keep going just for them.
Sorry for this sad story. It helped a bit to write it down and to be here. In a weird way, this community gives me support just by reading other people's experiences.
