Story i lived, bitch

[self.destractive]

this is going to be a short entry, just an update.

on december 17th 2020, i had an emotional breakdown in my therapist's office. i told him everything.
two days later in the adolescent ward, i wanted to go back in time to shut myself up. a perfectly good plan out the window! i would've died, no doubt about it.

i felt as though i wasn't real. scratch that, i KNEW i wasn't real. i genuinely believed that my existence in this universe was some sort of deranged fluke. like some sort of sick joke. the only way to resolve such a distressing cosmic abnormality was to remove the source (the source being me).
the harsh lighting on the hospital room's tiles confirmed this.

seven months later and i'm still reclaiming my sense of being. turns out i wasn't some sort of existential "whoopsie" like i had thought, i just had severe gender dysphoria, internalized transphobia, and an untreated case of BPD, PTSD, and ADHD.
i debated coming back to this forum for a while after i left residential treatment. when i found this forum, i knew it was going to cause me to spiral further. but i went into anyways. the act of joining this forum was probably my big turning point. that's the moment i made the official decision to die. i had urges and vague plans beforehand, but the action of being here is what sealed the deal, ya know. i was going to get shit done.
id be lying if i said i didn't resent this place because of that, ( although i am WELL aware that it was my decision to spiral. this is just an emotion i cannot help ).

i was so sure of myself. i was so sure of my autonomy. i was so certain i was making the right decision. the logical one.
but looking back, i just- i dont know what the fuck was going through my head. i was sleep deprived and disassociative, i was high a lot and i sure as hell wasn't thinking clearly. i was unrecognizable. i was shambling about like a zombie. i was delusional, and completely unhinged from reality. and it took months to get out of that. it took so many pills and doctors visits and a change of season.

let me be clear that this isn't a "blAAHHHhh blahhhhhhh!!! suicide forum BAD! BAD AWFUL! ICKY!!!!" post. i made the decision to be here. with the weak lucidity i had left, i knew it wasn't good for me but i did it anyways. i was still autonomous by most definitions. i came back out of morbid curiosity, i wanted to see my posts before the hospitalization. i dont remember typing a whole lot of them.
even though i had a negative experience here back in december, doesn't mean i think this place is terrible. i value the exchange of information, even if it is dangerous. knowledge is knowledge and the internet is reservoir for it, although i hate the fact that circles like this exist, i don't hate the circle, i hate the circumstances. i hate the lack of mental health services. i hate that people are hurting. i hate the fact that i made the decision to die. i hate the fact other people come to that conclusion.

i was afraid that just being here would trigger me to spiral again, but im pleased to say that i'm still lacking in ideation. i feel at peace.
i might make more recovery posts down the road and share some neat tips or some positiveness, but i wont be spending any time on the suicide threads for my own health
anyways just wanted to pop in to say hi and tell a little bit of my story! thank you for reading <3
hang in there comrades

 

[Midgardsorm]

You're Schrodinger-human ! You lived AND you died ^^

Sorry. Jokes aside. I don't think that any one here wishes bad things for someone. A thread like this is comforting to read. To know that someone got better.
That's the whole point of the Recovery section. Recovery =)

Good to know that you're okay. Keep on shining !

 

[self.destractive]

You're Schrodinger-human ! You lived AND you died ^^

Sorry. Jokes aside. I don't think that any one here wishes bad things for someone. A thread like this is comforting to read. To know that someone got better.
That's the whole point of the Recovery section. Recovery =)

Good to know that you're okay. Keep on shining !

yeah, i dont think anyone on here has any ill-intent (i mean i guess theres always like. 2 or 3 people idk. theres always going to be some asshole)

and thank you! its been quite the rollercoaster

 

[suisuiforum]

Love the "I lived bitch" meme reference
Anyway, I'm glad you made it out of the maelstrom, and I hope this forum won't be too much of a detriment to your mental well-being in the future. I also don't want to appear too encouraging of people who are actively carrying out their plans, as I don't know the circumstances that led them here and whether it's possible for them to be helped in some other way before they resort to suicide. However, most people here have been very understanding and empathetic, and ultimately I'm still glad that this place exists so that we're able to have discussions without the threat of censorship.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you have been through a lot, but I am pleased that things are better for you now. I wish you the best.

 

[the_phoenix_project]

i hate the fact that circles like this exist, i don't hate the circle, i hate the circumstances. i hate the lack of mental health services. i hate that people are hurting. i hate the fact that i made the decision to die. i hate the fact other people come to that conclusion.

Same, comrade.