Venting I live the paradox of loving deeply and unwillingly being a bad person.

[amor.dor]

I love the people I at least consider friends.

I've always been a saboteur — not because I hold any hatred toward people, or act from ego — but quite the opposite. I know my worldview is different, and corrosive to others. I love my loved ones, but I know I am like a radioactive person: I will corrode their alien sanity.

Yet I cannot ignore what I know. I cannot betray myself for the sake of something else, even for those I care about. I don't see life as something good, but as a curse — almost a kind of forced labor.

But deep down, I crave connection. I live torn inside myself: one part wants to be like everyone else; the other tells me: Go to hell alone, and go with a clear conscience, knowing you dragged no one into this torment.

Sometimes I feel I shouldn't even be on this site — I should just throw myself in front of a train. But then I freeze, thinking: What if a child sees my mutilated body on the tracks and is traumatized for life? So I start thinking of a thousand ways to minimize the impact.

God, I hate my mind — seeing every possibility at once. It's as if my own mind sabotages me just to keep me alive.

It's an enormous dilemma.
Should I write what I think? For whom?
Maybe I should relegate it to some corner of the internet, to be published only after I'm gone. It might help someone. Or not. But I don't want to ruin anyone's life. If, for example, a father of a family comes to see suicide as something good, he condemns his whole family. If a single mother kills herself, she only traumatizes her now-orphaned child.

If I had died in that car accident when I was 12, I would have been just a tragedy.
But it's impossible to exist without causing some harm to another — no matter how good your intentions.
As a saying from my country goes: Hell is full of good intentions.

 

[Karrikin]

I spent a good amount of time trying to come up with something meaningful to say to your post, because this would be my first time really doing so in this capacity. I even had to write my own response down on paper and revise it, anyway. I suppose what you are going through is entirely human and it seems you've chosen to adopt a rather draconian view on it. Now, I don't know your situation so there's a reason for that —probably— that I am not understanding. I had a similar experience with how I chose to handle people that I knew, I guess I still do. It might be somewhat difficult to completely remove that feeling of "I am inherently too different, too diametrically opposed to others to ever consider myself a person worth being around" because if that's who you are it might become difficult to change yourself to such a radical extent –at least quickly, or you might not know how to which is the thing which locks you into believing that it's an unsalvageable matter.

I guess what I want you to consider is what exactly these things are which make you believe you're unfit to be around, undeserving of connection which all of us deserve and something which I implore you seek out to experience before you consider anything with finality in mind or that it should be something for you --even if it was previous events as you mentioned. If it is to be a character trait of you which you consider unchanging and static, then would it be possible to look in any other direction for people who might find you to be more agreeable? Maybe even those who share the same situation? If it is something which can be worked on, and if you know it can be, do you think you can find it in you to try to work on it? Again, this might seem formulaic as advice, I suppose I'm still a novice, but your writing was really captivating and I felt I had to say something. I will say you have a commendable amount of foresight into your own actions though, at least, when you spoke about the aftermath of your attempts and how it might affect others. That alone is a good sign into who you are, that matters and I'd find it a regrettable thing to lose. You matter and keep that in mind.

Sorry for the lengthy response, it did really have me thinking for a long time. I do apologize if I missed something though.

 

[amor.dor]

I spent a good amount of time trying to come up with something meaningful to say to your post, because this would be my first time really doing so in this capacity. I even had to write my own response down on paper and revise it, anyway. I suppose what you are going through is entirely human and it seems you've chosen to adopt a rather draconian view on it. Now, I don't know your situation so there's a reason for that —probably— that I am not understanding. I had a similar experience with how I chose to handle people that I knew, I guess I still do. It might be somewhat difficult to completely remove that feeling of "I am inherently too different, too diametrically opposed to others to ever consider myself a person worth being around" because if that's who you are it might become difficult to change yourself to such a radical extent –at least quickly, or you might not know how to which is the thing which locks you into believing that it's an unsalvageable matter.

I guess what I want you to consider is what exactly these things are which make you believe you're unfit to be around, undeserving of connection which all of us deserve and something which I implore you seek out to experience before you consider anything with finality in mind or that it should be something for you --even if it was previous events as you mentioned. If it is to be a character trait of you which you consider unchanging and static, then would it be possible to look in any other direction for people who might find you to be more agreeable? Maybe even those who share the same situation? If it is something which can be worked on, and if you know it can be, do you think you can find it in you to try to work on it? Again, this might seem formulaic as advice, I suppose I'm still a novice, but your writing was really captivating and I felt I had to say something. I will say you have a commendable amount of foresight into your own actions though, at least, when you spoke about the aftermath of your attempts and how it might affect others. That alone is a good sign into who you are, that matters and I'd find it a regrettable thing to lose. You matter and keep that in mind.

Sorry for the lengthy response, it did really have me thinking for a long time. I do apologize if I missed something though.

It's rare for anyone to respond to my posts, which only proves what I think. But you know, I believe it's better to no longer exist, for the good of others and myself. I've tried so many times to connect with others, but my way of seeing the world always corrodes them. Even though I can endure a lot of misery, I think I was born broken.

Thank you for your response. If what I wrote has made you adopt a better stance on life, I'm happy about that.