Venting I like being a bad person

[HappySisyphus]

I'm feeling empty so I figured I would write here a bit, I ackonowledge this account on my suicide note so it might help explain my behaviour.
I don't get enjoyment in the concept of being a bad person, I do of course in the actions I do because I am a bad person, I'm not just bad for the sake of it, the reason why I like the concept of me being a bad person is simple, when something bad happens to me it feels deserved, I don't feel like the world is being unfair to me like I did before, now it feels like I earned that happening to me, and that is a slight relief, doesn't help that much, but it is something at least, I would prefer of course nothing bad happening to me but since that is not possible this is a nice alternative.
I'm not guilty or responsible in any way of my depression, yet it still feels somewhat deserved given my lack of morals.
I don't really show it to anyone and try to ack like the opposite but I truly think very highly of myself and don't really care about most people so I would really prefer anyone else other than me to feel like this, but it happening to me at least seems fair, because it happened to me, not someone who didn't deserve it.
Despite this, I'm uncomfortable with me being a bad person so I try to convince myself and other I am not, I have written this so it can be thought that I'm desperately finding excuses to justify what it is happening to me, so I choose to blame myself so people can feel pity for me, but I can assure you that is not the case, maybe in the past, but not anymore.

 

[snowcloud9]

Oh I'm the same. I would love to hurt other people, but my main motivation for not doing so is because it's illegal, so I do it to myself instead to fulfill the need. Nobody in real life knows about this. Maybe many people in the world are secretly the same as us. This is well-documented, something about a child who doesn't feel warmth from his village burns it down in order to feel its warmth.

 

[DeadlineDialer]

It's such a strangely cathartic feeling, doing what's bad. We can finally let go and do what we want, we can get even, and no matter what happens, it's a preferable outcome. We end up getting what we deserve, but at the same time, we've been wronged too, so we deserve to fight back. It's kind of a perpetuating cycle, we want to get back at the world, and when we push back so does the world, and so on, and the cycle continues.

Bad things will happen to us regardless, so it's a natural mindset to want to do something before it's done to you. People can do horrible things, and the worst part is, some may never even get punished for doing it. Morality is subjective, and in fact, life often rewards those who act selfishly. It's written into the code, things have to be to survive, we naturally want to. There's no right or wrong in the world, and that's a hard fact to live with, why shouldn't we be the ones to do it first?

That being said, to question that instinct shows a lot in one self, no matter your reasoning. I wouldn't consider you a bad person for feeling the way you do, truly. There are many out there who act on their terrible thoughts without thinking twice like you have. The fact you think about this, I'd say, shows your better character. If anything, you may be trying to instead convince yourself that you're a bad person. I won't try to dictate what it is you're really thinking for you, just something to consider.

Having no morals just means you're in tune with the equally indifferent universe, you understand reality, and that it's a harsh thing that will hurt you. You shouldn't consider yourself bad, just another person trying to push through another day. Love forever, take it easy out there.

 

[Notwinnernotawin]

I'm not a bad person, but ppl and circumstances have lead me to it. I'm not proud, but I don't give a fuck. I scream at everyone, I slap my mom, I tried to kill my cat which I love, I tried to jump out of the window many many times. I confronted the chief of the traffic whom swore to kill me the idiot even said he didn't do that. I slapped this stupid neighbor, I said if I had a penis I would rape these bitches who are always bugging me, I'm into satanism and goetia. I'm a hurricane. That asshole made me a hurricane.